Dogs are tired

I just finished doing rounds in the ten buildings that compromise "Old" RCA:
Barton, Lyon, Freeman, Birch, Welch, Roberts, Oak, Elm, Linden, and Buchanon... JEZZZ...

At least I brought a book along... for the last few floors of Buchanon... I was reading and walking... checkign with my peripheral vision for anything wrong or any doors open... nuthin...

My Thanksgiving is looking interesting... tried to get ahold of my friend but she didn't answer... so it's looking like Turkey day will be a day of solitude and work... everything works out for a reason right?

And now... I have to work on a paper... PRAISE GOD!

Things that make you go Hmm...

So today I got my Shorter Christian Prayer book (abbreviated Liturgy of the Hours)... and I begin with the first antiphon... "You cannot serve both God and Mammon" and it continues to talk about the emptiness of wealth.. Psalm 49... and I'm thinking... lately I've been struggling with some decisions... which I've been asking for some sign of His providence. Some decisions I'd rather go one way... which may be the way He's leading me away from...

Thought

Lord, consume me,
more that I have just
consumed Thee.

I REJOICED when they said to me...

I was thinking while I was praying the chaplet how far I stray sometimes, just to feel the gentle hand of the Father slowly guiding me back...

It's truly amazing how wonderful Confession is! Stronger than an exorcism... or so I understand from exorcists I've read, and met... and I'd attest to that! For which can bring about conversion? Certainly NOT excorcisms! they're for deliverance, Confession is for conversion (via repentance)

It's AMAZING! God's love for each of us! It's amazing that He loves me so much... humbling, yet more inspiring than any story ever told.

HARRY POTTER!!

The movie was AWESOME!!!

I loved it... very very funny, and then very very depressing...
I really enjoy that it incorporates and promotes an emphasis on near-heroic morals!

It's heartening to see a good guy who is actually innocent and good!

Great movie!

Anxious prayer

O, Lord!
Where must I go from here,
from this place where I know not your direct call
this time where you ask me to wait?

I'm so used to you speaking when
your plan for me is near,
yet, now! Now!

you let me sit wondering
if this path is mine?
if I'm on this path for my sake
or for yours.

I desire to know,
and I beg to hear
you're sweet reassuring voice.

Speak Lord, your Servant is listening!

you're preparing me for something,
somethign I can't quite place,
but something nonetheless.

and I feel uneasy knowing this,
queasy and fearful of what it is...
the longer you wait, the deeper my fear...

though I will embrace it when it comes,
I need you to know what I'm feeling...
I'm scared.

I want to be your servant,
to be the slavish being that I am.
but I like it better when you keep me
doing something, so that the path ahead is not so ominous
so mysterious,
so far.

I know you want me to be patient, to rest, to prepare,
but that's what I'm afraid of!
FOR WHAT!

I bless You for the gifts You've given me,
the wondrous gifts of late,
I love them so much!

Bless and protect me,
release my anxiety,
and prepare me...

I'll wait. I promise.
And I'll let you decide
when I am ready.

Gah! But why!?

Servum Domini

One thing I realised today as I was talking with a friend about charismatism, was how foolish and hard-headed I had to be, that God had to act so directly in my life as to give me a profound gift of faith. That gift being knowledge of the true presence.

What a fool I must be, and how lowly, that I can not believe without seeing.

and how great a God that He let this low, low, worthless servant see.

crazies everywhere

so two days ago it was still fall... and yesterday it abruptly changed to winter... snow, slush, ice and all! All I have to say is NORTHERNERS ARE CRAZY! They like this stuff! The wind bites your face, making your whole head a popsicle and the slush freezes your toes... it's crazy.

anyhow... today I heard the same scripture for the third time... each time while I was praying for God's discernment... crazy. I'm not sure what it is that He's asking me to do, but it surely is Him... The only thing I think he wants me to do is something I feel like I'm doing, not Him. So I'm trying to figure that one out.

Lord make your ways known to me... wipe the scales from my eyes that I can see! PLEASE! Lord! I need You!

sadness...

so I'm sad... cause I just realised I can't go to adoration tonight, tomorrow or friday night as I have duty :-(

I'm thinking about hidding away in a storage room and praying... where no one can find me unless they call the pager... :-)

Praise GOD! May it all work out tonight!

I've been reading John of the Cross' Assent of Mt. Carmel... and it is REALLY REALLY GOOD!

Test...

Whew... so I got my test back today and I was one point away from a B! I got a C... then while he was reviewing it in the class, I noticed that he marked one of my questions wrong!

so I got TWO points! yay! I now have a B!

Now got to go study for major test tomorrow (that I got postponed from last week) in a class I have another test in Friday! GAH!

Ecce servum Domni! (I think I got that right... Behold, a slave of the Lord!)

So last night I took a "night away" from the dorm, permitting me to break my otherwise normal 3am curfew. (I only get 12 nights away a semester) so in doing so I got to go to ADORATION for FOUR HOURS!!! YAY!!!!

I love Jesus in the Eucharist... I can't say why other than He draws me there.

I read something recently about how without adoration we can not live... so Adoration (capital A) is a worthy place to start!

I also got to go to Mass at noon, so that was really really nice!

Recently a few friends have asked me to start a Charismatic Prayer Group... I'm praying about it, and I'm currently unsuer of what my role should be in regards to bringing about God's will... am I to direct them to others or am I to lead? I don't know if I have the time to lead... so I'm praying for God's will to be EVIDENT! And I've challenged Him to place His will before my eyes.

I think I'm going to start midnight adoration runs everynight :-)
YAY! Late nights with JESUS! I miss them so!
then twelve hours later!
MASS!!

so weird... so weird.

kat and I are done.
done period.
no might bes or maybes or trying to figure outs...
its over...

and it hurts, as I really want her beside me, comforting, loving me.

I want her... but it can't any longer be.

this past week I got gen 24 as a scripture... and for the first time I felt God was telling me I could let go of Kat... that he'd be okay with it.

So I feel I've run the race, and ran it hard, doing as he's asked all along the way... and now I'm left with the "you can quit the race, you're too hurt" option that I felt I had to take.

Its so odd to put your whole heart into something expecting that it'll take you somewhere great... only to end up sitting on the sideline with a gaping wound. One that will heal, but one you hoped would go away and let you finish the race.

He also told me awhile back that the reason I was to pursue her at the time was to love him more... maybe I have... maybe I do.

Perhaps this was one of those obedience moments where he tells you to go one way, giving you a beautiful, sweet goal, just to ask you to be obedient and turn away when he asks, and to go in a different direction.

I can't imagine how weirder it will be when every night I don't talk to my balcherdove... when every day doesn't end with a prayer with the woman I love... with the sweet gentle darling I care for. I can't imagine not seeing her for a month or perhaps more... its so weird.

I love you Jesus, guide us. Guide me.

the end?

332
11.5
is this the end?
is this the last moment? the moment I broke? I gave, I'm done?
it hurts, it sucks it hurts...
I wish it didn'nt have to be...
I wish it otherwise.
i wish I was not fighting what I feel I shoudl do, just to do what I feel I must.
why is she the way she is?
335

I'M PUBLISHED!!!!

So this is a prayer of mine that is now published!!! I can now be officially CITED! YAY!!!! (Citation follows the prayer... OF COURSE!!!)
:-D

My hands, my feet, and my breath: words and body,

my very life,

my soul, my heart, and my love,

these I surrender.

Should my path grow dark, the night long, the terrors close,

should my heart be shattered, my mind lost, my very body torn,

I vow, I choose, I know,

I will follow

you, my glorious Lord, God and King.

To your invitation, I cry out, YES!

And I live

for you.

Alonzo, E. (2005) "Prayer of Hope" Teen Prayers by Teens. Boston, Pauline Press.

good/bad times

So... I won an award for
"CA of the Month" (resident assistant of the month)

And my academic project "Study Sundays" also won an award.
"for best Academic intiative"

Both awards were campus wide for september.

Then last night I won bingo five times (three in a row, two separately) I won four DVDs, a shirt and a blanket. I gave away one of the DVDs for a cupcake (since I didnt want it and people kept getting mad that I was winning so much).

Then I slept through my classes today (I took a sleeping pill that was supposed to make me sleep 8 hours... it lasted 12-13 hours.) So that SUCKs.

Connexion?

I was just thinking... that this is the way I felt as a Youth Minister...

could it be that God is calling me to do something else, to devote myself to something else? or simply to be more balanced?

I've had odd offers in my recent years, to lead this or lead that... be part of this big thing... impact peoples lives greatly over here... no come over here!

it's confusing... cause all I want is to BE RESPONSIBLE SOLELY for myself... but he pushes me elsewhere...

Why can't I be a hermit God?

Why must I be force somewhere uncomfortable for me... where I feel so much a failure... why must you place me where I feel this?

I like simplicity... yet you make my life so complex!

Is it worth it?

For the first time in 2.5 years I'm not going to be on the honors list this semester... wow... it feels so bad... yet partially relieving that I don't have to push... I just have to get by this semester... but I feel so much a failure, if I don't do my best...

and I'm not...

I wonder if its from being a CA or if its being a person without willpower to drive myself to do more than one thing at a time...

if it is being a CA is it worth it? or should I quit next semester to bring my grades back up? or should I risk failing again and possibly messing my grad school application up seriously?

it'd be easier to give up being a CA if I was in texas... I'd not be in such debt... :-
but here... I need it to survive and not be in extraordinary debt when I graduate... so its not so easy to sacrifice for my grades.

SCHNIGLE-FRITZ!

GRRRR....

so life is a bit weird now... busy with house activites, and with school... I have a test tomorrow, but I'm not feeling good... I just want to curl up and cry.

Kat and I are still weird... sometimes I get such a strong interior knowledge that we're supposed to get back together... at others, I hear Kat wanting to run far away, at the same time as her wanting me not to date anyone else.

It's really stressful... wanting to love someone so much, who at times seems to want to return it, but mostly doesn't want to show it or acknowledge it, and at other times wants to run far away.

She loves me at one moment, only to freak out the next because of some small mistake that makes her no longer perfect, that she cant deal with.

Why are relationships (even former ones) so difficult on the heart?

On top of that, my GPA is taking a nose dive this semester... as I'm expecting to get all B's... not exactly exciting or desirable.

Gar... on top of that I'm not perfect, though even I would like to be.

AMAZING!

This day has been schweet!!!

people left and right telling me happy birthday, making a point to say it! (Even people I've had to document!)

One guy said I was the coolest CA (aka. RA) ever...

I'm really surprised how many people care!

YAY!


(other than that, I did amazingly poor on my test today... gah... this is gonna suck to bring back up!)

Oh Happy DAY or: How I Learned to Stop Studying and Love the Residents

So I've gotten alot of people telling me Happy Birthday today(and it's only 430am!) its AMAZING! So many people made a point of stopping by and saying it around midnight! I LOVE RESIDENTS!

Some even posted it on their blog or on facebook!

And I especially love two amazing women on the third floor!
who surprised me with an amazing gift!


So I walk out of my room around 3 or 4 am and find baloons on my door and a sign :-)
And I'm so happy that the girls did this!



































Then I wander to the restroom (my reason for leaving my room) and find another poster!





















Then after leaving the restroom, I see one on the fire door at the end of the hall










So I decide to grab my camera and go on a hunt!










I found one on the exit towards Oak/Elm!























One on the restroom downstairs























And one on the door towards Barton...






















THEN! I notice one in the stairwell going up to the third floor!





















And find one on the Girls restroom upstairs






















On the fourth floor white board...







In the north stair well between 3rd and 2nd






















(yes this is a picture of me with straightened hair)






And finally I discovered that I missed one on my own floor! On the intramurals board!
















THANK YOU GIRLS FOR MAKING MY BIRTHDAY START OFF SO AWESOME!!!

YOU GIRLS ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!