Readings

A Calcutta street at night

Tomorrow is a reading holiday! (well its our day off, so I'm going to read.)

Right now I'm working on two books... Story of a Soul (autobiography of st. therese of liseux) and a doctor at calvary. Both are books that I recommend, though Story of a Soul is a MUST (i've only read the first half of the first chapter and I LOVE IT). Doctor at Calvary is at first a bit scientific, but it rapidly evokes great beauty that even brought pope Benedict XV (or Pius something or other) to tears after reading one paragraph.

Howra bridge

My knee is doing well... a bit pained, but Sister gave me some chemical cold packs to use... and hopefully it will get me back to work on friday, or maybe God will provide another secret mission, like He did today. :-) I do like how He finds ways for even those of us who aren't fully functional to serve Him. (He actually gave me two missions, both of which no one else will know until heaven. So don't try to figure them out. ;-) )

God is Good! (And He makes me smile ;-) )

silent trembling: Lead on.

I really like this poem from:
silent trembling: Lead on.

Lead on.

Looking in your eyes
I know I've done something wrong.
But I won't let on.
I won't let on.

I've hurt you, and you don't know
you can't imagine
You're darling to my heart
and I've done something wrong.
so I won't let on,
I won't let on.

I don't know yet how to fix this
I don't know yet what I'll do
I don't know yet what to tell you.
but I've done something wrong.
So I won't let on,
I won't let on.

Let me sit here, beneath your cross
beneath the blood stains that purify
let me sit here and understand
all that I did,
let me understand.
Let me sit.
because I've done something wrong
and I won't let on,
I won't let on.

So I was helping...

One of my assignments at the motherhouse yesterday was to set up a type of written book checkout system for the volunteers... while going through the books and writting down their titles and their number, I came across "E 64 St. Maximilian Kolbe: Saint of Auschwitz", and though the Sister had already suggested I read Story of a Soul, I also picked up this one.

The book is amazing and many times I felt completely overcome by Christ's love and Mary's love... I read the first half in my room under a nice fan (after taking a shower) and the second half I read at JoJo's a restaurant/juice shop right near my house that has fans and moderate A/C.

During the second half I found myself with my head down often hiding the overwhelming tears that come from seeing something beautiful.

St. Maximilian Kolbe offered to take the place of another inmate who had been chosen to die of starvation (10 had been chosen to die of starvation and dehydration in retalliation for the escape of another inmate). The inmate whom St. Maximilian Kolbe replaced, had a family.

Though suffering from TB and other maladies, St. Maximilian Kolbe was one of the last four alive after two weeks of starvation, and the only one concious and sitting up. On August 14th, 1941, the cell had to be prepared for another group set to die the same fate. A doctor entered and delivered a leathal dose of carbolic acid to the four inmates.

Faustina and Fortuna

I was listening to Fr. Stan's website... and I heard this...
"Where there is pride, I am not there." ~God to Faustina (#1563)

"My daughter, your struggle will last until death. Your last breath will mark its end. You shall conquer by meekness." #1597

"Entrust everything to me, and do nothing on your own, and you will always have great freedom. This is the fruit of the surrender, because then He will exalt you in due time. No circumstances or events will be able to upset you. Set little store on what people say. Let everyone judge you as they like. Let your spirit rise above all that. Set free from everything, rest close to my heart."#1685

"learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves." Mt 11:29

"To live is to annoy, to live is to be annoyed. " #82 of Fr. Stan's notes. CFR 06 LR (Annual CFR retreat 2006)

"Good people shinning their light are sickening. Humility: Good people getting better let their light shine." #49

Choice of Service

If you had no choice but to serve would you?

It's odd, but I feel like I'm in that place, though it's not as restricted as it sounds, I actually feel freer than I've ever felt.

I have no choice but to serve my God. He's been gracious to me and shown His faithfulness countless times each day. My options are simple. His life or my death.

And to me there seems no choice. His life is so much more amazing than my death. The death that comes from the inward darkness that spoils all goodness (concupiscence).

So every morning I wake to my alarm at 430, and though I do snooze a few times, I pick myself up out of bed and prepare myself for the day. Knowing that if I don't serve, there will be two hands and feet less to care for these people, to care for Christ. And that's not something I'm willing to be responsible for.

And every night I walk for about an hour just to spend an hour in Adoration and thanksgiving of His greatness... it's a selfish time, where I get to spend a quite space with my Love. Just staring at Him, sitting with Him, listening to His breath. Its the time I draw nearer my love and He draws nearer to me... a time not spoilt by doing, but enhanced by being. (I like to run to Him sometimes, and steal a few extra minutes in His embrace). If only I was called to be a hermit.

two humbling experiences...

Being called prayerful by someone you consider prayerful.
Being told you did good when you know it was only God and that you did nothing.

Vocare (Latin for "to call")

Why does the Lord choose us?
What have we to offer infinite goodness?
When I think of His mercy and desire for me, I'm unable to speak. I just have to sit and write.
I can't express with words or unexpressible groanings what I feel. The closest would be overwhelming tears welling up inside from joy and sorrow.
But even that doesn't convey it. But I imagine that everyone knows this feeling even if we can't express it. The feeling of being overwhelmed by God (even if we don't know that's what it is).

I'm selfish, weak, poor and greedy.
What have I to offer infinite goodness?

Song

I really like this song Vincible from Sonar (a group that plays at Stuebenville youth conferences)
It's so amazing and powerful. And the last line is so overwhelming in the song.

"Hurry up and place your bets and jokey for your position
this race has begun in the journey of life"
I said "please mister auctioneer give me a minute
To figure out just what it is that I want to buy

But if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

I swear I think I've tried all the gimmicks
And each one of them kept working to no avail
And even this ladder I've built
has been crushed by the weight of my ambition

And I'll build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing
I stumble on my own feet
With out you I am nothing
and I don't have the air to breath
With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing

cause if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing

Without you. I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing.

Tedium

I feel the tedium setting in, the daily grind, the struggle to embrace the call when it's no longer fantastic and new, but when it's become familiar. This is the struggle that everyone has, where ever you are. But daily I'm renewed in Christ, and all I can do is offer my desire to relax and remember that my vocation is to serve my Lord... and such a wonderful Lord deserves gratitude from His servants. He deserves my willingness to embrace the dying, to feed, clothe, massage Him in them and they in Him.

But its so hard when I catch a breather to find a pace that will sustain my enthusiasm and also that leads me daily to sacrifice myself more and more.

Lord Jesus Christ, Guide me in serving your people. Help me to overcome myself and embrace you in thanksgiving. Amen.

Cleanliness

Removed and Reposted on Faith or Bust

Oh...

oh and I might be helping out with some retreats... more information to follow... one will be for youth and another I can't really talk about yet... but it's pretty cool if I do get to work with them! (sister asked me to help...).

Kat's in India...

So yesterday on a day I wasn't supposed to go to orientation (supposed to be this past monday but got stuck in howra across the river) in a month I wasn't supposed to be in Calcutta (supposed to be in Darmasala or elsewhere) . I bumped into Kat.

I was early and talking with one of the lead guys when I heard some girls sign in. I turned and looked saw some americans and then was about to turn back when I thought I recognised one... I said Kat? and without turning she said Yup. or something like that... the rest of the time she pretty much ignored me and her friend kim pretty much tried politely to direct questions to others but not to me. So It's odd... but c'est la vie. I'll still say hi when I see her. It was good to see her.

Jury duty

Got called up for Jury duty... I'm in India... and also in school... funny...

also just checked my grades and... I got two A-, 1 B, and 1 C- (I didn't turn a paper in due to time constraints and my last few hell weeks at school). So now my GPA dropped to 3.52 but that's still good... and still qualifies me for graduating with honors I believe.