Saturday, December 31, 2005

Brave

Brave
(Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)
For Charlie, who rearranged my fearful heart.

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now, it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I’m spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say your name
Just your name and I’m ready to jump
Even ready to fall…
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I’ve never known a fire that didn’t begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me, that changes everything

©2005 Birdwing Music / Birdboy Songs (ASCAP), admin. by EMI CMG Publishing / Sony/ATV Songs LLC / JohnnyO Music (BMI)
From: http://www.nicholenordeman.com/members/lyrics.aspx

There is no woman for me

I've been thinking... I don't think my "wife" exists now. The woman I've loved for so long seems to fail what I need... she's neither radical in her faith, nor wanting to... she wants only comfort, ease. She's unwilling to step out and trust that God will provide... unwilling to accept that that's the way everyone should be. Unwilling to have the metanoia, the radical shift, the leap of faith required to be a holy one. I want to be a holy one, and I can't get there if I compromise...

She's the closest and most promising candidate, yet she fails and doesn't care. (if she does, she's never cared enough about me to share it.)

God's given me this desire for a beautiful woman who wants to be a saint... why? when even he knows that no woman would ever satisfy that? There's only one I know... and she bore the saviour. She didn't say to God "I don't think you could provide for a family" she said "I trust in you, let Your will be done."

She lived radically... she loved radically... everything I'm doubting anywoman can do, when the very example God sent me and told be with doesn't care, doesn't ...

Lord, you've given me this desire, you've told me what you want... why are you putting me through this? Why are you letting my heart be torn so much? How could I be so foolish as to give her my heart. Why did I even bother? Why do I obey you when it causes me so much pain?

If cursing her or you would help, I would curse, at least then I could release this pain... but cursing would only curse myself, and greater pain would follow.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. She doesn't care. So talking doesn't help... she doesn't hurt.
She must never have loved me the way I love her.

And that hurts even more. Wondering when her heart went cold... how long ago?

Its funny, cause just when her family is more open to me, she closes off.

I have little doubt its from her friends... she values them much more than me... she has, since I encouraged her to meet them. It feels like she's turned them into idols... trusting their thoughts over God. But I don't know, because she has never opened up to me and told me her thoughts, told me what motivates her, she's never had a relationship with me since they came into the picture. She never put forth the effort she said she would... she's never made true on her promises, on the compromises we made. She'd ask me to a concert and then uninvite me because its now a girl thing. She did that for several things. She treats me like an expendable fringe friend, even when we dated. And she's the one YOU told me to pursue.

She wonders why I get so frustrated with her... when all I've wanted was to get to know her, she hasn't let me in.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'm tired of compromise.

A search for excellence is an inadequate approach to God, leaving us vulnerable to snare after snare. Our only hope is obedience.
Fred Stoeker


Most people see excellence as something to be attained, a goal in itself, the comfortable place where they've gone beyond what others do, and feel that's enough.

The I'm a good person syndrome that permits them to not seek perfection, that permits them not to be RADICAL.

My faith has always been radical, I've always wanted perfection, but I've surrounded myself with people that compromise, and slowly that's become what I've desired, as I've desired their friendship. But enough is enough! My Lord was radical, and so must I be. Perfection is my goal, and nothing must stand in the way.

No compromise, for the sake of someone else's "happiness" is worth my soul, or theirs, regardless of what they think...

I'm done being an agent of Satan... I'm done with the compromise of excellence... I want the radical perfection of Christ, and obedience to His will.

lately

I've been realising that the reason I've met so many women is not just because I want to find what I want in a wife, but because I have a void that I want filled, a void I'm afraid to look at, or bear. A void that was created by me emptying myself out to Kat, by having a relationship that I expected to go much further.

I need to be careful that I don't fill it with something I don't want, and I need to ensure it is not what drives me to meet others. And I need to bring my heart back to the place where it's a peace, back to where a woman can not hurt me as easily as she can... back to the place that provides the best view of choosing a wife. Back to the place where I can choose which woman I will give my heart, the power to hurt me, and know that she will guard that possession with all her life, willing to go beyond herself to avoid hurting me, willing to love me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

How does one speak

to a person so hard hearted so illogical that the person has complete faith in their own reason? that no one can show how blind he is even to things as simple as philosophy? to things as simple as the idea that the world can not solely be explained by science... a person so deranged that to him science is all there is in the world, and science can explain everything? a blindness that refutes all argumentation as trash that doesnt matter? a blindness that accepts a metaphysical stance, but denies metaphysics? God knows I'm blind, God knows I'm a sinner... and I know that I have weakness beyond belief, but how does one speak to a person so full of themselves that they are right, and you are talking nonsense?

I don't know what to say

one of my friends is the leader of a group called "Atheist Agenda" which would be best described as a militant and evangelical student group.

Aparently his group has held a "smut for smut" which exchanges porn for bibles...

and he plans to do something horrendous at the same time as the pro-life group will be holding their display at UTSA, though I disagree with the cut up fetuses that the group will display photos of, and think that's itself a violence to humanity, I am even more horrified and troubled by what his group will do... please pray that his plans fall through... and pray for his conversion... it saddens my heart greatly... and its so offensive that I will not write specifics about it. It's most likely legal, but still absolutely horrid, distasteful, and painful to bear.

Christmas Game night

so we have this tradition in my family that we play games every christmas night with guys vs girls...

and many many times the girls have lost... horribly... and the guys have yet to lose

until this one...
well sorta

In one game, the guys were halfway to the end when the girls got to the final phase, but the guys caught up to only lose by one turn... (one of the guys forgot that pistachio starts with a P...) (it was cranium turbo edition)

so we lost one game
then we dominated the second...
Mad gab

so the guys have still yet to lose a game night
and our complete domination is now slightly compromised.

Gah... it was all because they had a smart girl this time... one of my cousin's friends. Yah, thats it... ;-)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

so I get this alot...

you're not stable enough for the future, you'd not be a good husband because you're not ambitious enough, I don't think you could provide for a family.

and my constant reply has been, but I trust God, and will be faithful to his call...

yet they don't believe me. they don't trust God enough or at least trust that I trust God enough to be faithful... and it frustrates me to no end... a holy woman telling me that being faithful and trusting in God is not enough... its painful to me, as I frankly love this woman very much, and that she is unwilling to see that all you need is faith in God, and cooperate with His will and everything will be perfectly okay... she just doesnt trust enough. She still thinks she has to be in control, she has to ensure her happiness, regardless of what God wants, she knows what's best. (and by extension anyone who is worth anything must always be in control of their life... must always ensure their own happiness, regardless of God's will, because as the argument goes, God wants us to be happy... my reply being yes, yes He does, but only He knows what will make us happy, we don't always see clearly, so we must trust and be faithful.)

She I doubt would recognise this in herself, but that's part of the pain... she's unwilling to be introspective about her motivations... unwilling to care... getting caught up in the social groups that she's part of, either her family or friends. and incorporating their views into hers without much criticism or discernment.

The other day I was reading and I fell across this quote, by one of her favourite Saints (to be).

"I do not have to be successful, I have to be faithful." ~Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

Perhaps Theresa C can work a miracle for me...

I'm not fully in control of my life, and I'm happier that way... much less to worry about, but its also led to much more heartache... heartache I wish could have been avoided, pain I wish I never had experienced, as it seemed like the pain of banging my head repeatedly against a wall of thorns... seemingly going nowhere. BUT I know it was God's will that I continued and gave every chance, gave my whole, though I wish/wished so much that she would have given everything as well, instead of being so fearful of trusting God, so fearful of letting go of her "happiness" in favour of His happiness... who knows if it would have ended any later or earlier, but I'm sure it would have ended better and the pain and frustration would have been much less.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Break!

So I'm finally heading home! And break sweet break is here!
I took me forever to get done with classes (finished a paper at like 4am saturday)
so now I get to go to the airport and wait for 5 hours :-/
good thing I have a few books I wanted to read.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Leaving on a jet plane...?

The following is from sunday after/during mass
----------
Thoughts in mass:

"I have given my best and it has destroyed me.

Kat and I are over, my grades in shambles, (is) my lord Calling (?)

Is the prophecy being complete,
Are you aiding my discernment?
I cry in mass wondering if this is my last?
Relieved that my heart is free."

Lord, I believe you are talking to me right now... speak more clearly, if you want me to leave, I've given you a path I will abide by. Make it happen if you want me to leave. Otherwise, I will stay, though I will also resign.
1047am 12.11.5
-----
brief explanation:
I came back up to iowa to complete what God had called me to, and now it might be completed.
And perhaps God is calling me back to Lousiana.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Scanner

So I bought a scanner the other day and I'm very happy :-) Its really nice to have so I can scan my drawings in.
This is my first scan!I'm going to do all of my sketch books and put them online on my website (http://www.public.iastate.edu/~sirhair)
So friends can flip through them :-)

Friday, December 02, 2005

Praise God almighty!

Lyon Hall

So I can't help but walk around outside with a huge grin on my face...
His creation is so amazing, and His plan for me so reassuring, how can I not walk as a child confident in my Father?

Oh so wonderful!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

At once they left their nets and followed him. Mt 4:20

What nets have I left lately?
I'm not sure, but I know I have so many more to drop.
So many obstacles that I've yet to give up.

John of the Cross talks about all desires as stumbling blocks, especially the desire for prayer and holy things. They grab you and entice you in ways that other much emptier things can't. In the end, these Idols tear you from the very thing you wish to attain, the prescence of God.

Yet they are Amazing things, though its not IN themselves that they have worth, it is through and FOR God that they do.

I've left some of my nets lately and I feel so much freer, to have burdens from my shoulders I thought I could never bear. I can't wait to get rid of the other nets, whose burdens must be so much greater, as they are so much more enticing... how much more freedom the Father has waiting!

"He set me free in the open; he rescued me because he loves me." Psalm 18:20
"O LORD, our Lord, how awesome is your name through all the earth!" Psalm 8:10

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Give us Joy to balance our Affliction. Psalm 90:15

Today has been a very weird day, one where I've had such anxiety, worked through it despite my fears, and everything turned out quite nicely. :-)

In fact, at one point (right after finishing a paper I thought I would not complete or complete well) I was so joyous that I just had to play a Triumphal Alleluia chorale, to which I was really really excited and smiling so gleefully.

Another point I was so distracted by something that I thought was turning out quite poorly, only to find out that it in fact was turning out quite well... a relief and a sublime joy followed.

When will I ever learn to just trust Christ? and let him take over my anxiety... or is it something that I actually can't let him take, because he won't? because it's my cross to bear?

Friday, November 25, 2005

NEW KIND OF PAIN


I wrote this friday morning after I had biked to adoration around 130 am and had just got back. (explanation of the earlier writting is in brackets '[]')

713am

if I ever get asked the question of how I would rather die (burn or freeze) I'm now offically changing my answer to burn... it took me over 1hr to go what normally takes 12 mins on a bike [I just got back]... had to stop off twice, tried a third time couldnt [because my hands were so frozen I couldn't tell if I was grasping my brakes or not... I simply couldn't feel them, the brakes or my hands]... then had the sensation for the first time in my life of having completely immobile fingers... really really sucked... thank God for knuckles [because I was only able to get into my building because of my teeth and the knuckles of my right hand... my left hand was unable to grasp at all by that point]...
so My bike is getting put up and I'm now hating Iowa's weather much much more...
so I just worked out how cold it was on my bike... figuring about 15mph (at times with a wind of 9mph hitting me) and less than 20 degrees outside... I was experiencing at a high [of] 6 degree weather... and most of the time about 2 degrees due to the wind! http://www.nws.noaa.gov/om/windchill/index.shtml NO WONDER WHY IT HURT SO MUCH!!
716

I still haven't recovered full sensation in the tips of my fingers (they tingle), but they are getting gradually better. I had to take off my gloves with my teeth...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

THANKSGIVING!!!


So today I had an amazing time! It was great! I got to meet one of my friend's families, the whole loving bunch and just have a family thanksgiving. I felt truly blessed to be there, and I was so welcomed and loved that I was quite astonished... she has a great family!

So welcomed that I was sent home with more than a pie box full of stuff! (It was like seeing a family based on St. Benedict's hospitality!)

All of her family was interesting, and fun and very very sweet.

And what was greatest was that her family doesn't think of God as a four letter word! They talk about Him without thinking it taboo.

WOW! I had a great time.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Credo, sed adiuva increduliatem meam (I do believe; help my unbelief) Mk 9:24


21 Then he questioned his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" He replied, "Since childhood.
22 It has often thrown him into fire and into water to kill him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us."
23 Jesus said to him, " 'If you can!' Everything is possible to one who has faith."
24 Then the boy's father cried out, "I do believe, help my unbelief!"

I'm amazed by this passage... desperation and asking God "if you can"... a man powerless to help his son, comes to a preacher who he's heard about... and gives it one more shot... not knowingly asking GOD if He can do something. A divided soul, split by belief and unbelief.

I feel like this so often, believing and yet unbelieving... knowing that God exists, and thinking Him powerless. I'm divided, and I crave to be whole.

Lord, you promised to give us power (acts 1), pour it out upon me and help my unbelief. Heal me of this unbelief which has thrown me into fire and water trying to kill me, have compassion on me, and cure me Divine Physician.

Dogs are tired

I just finished doing rounds in the ten buildings that compromise "Old" RCA:
Barton, Lyon, Freeman, Birch, Welch, Roberts, Oak, Elm, Linden, and Buchanon... JEZZZ...

At least I brought a book along... for the last few floors of Buchanon... I was reading and walking... checkign with my peripheral vision for anything wrong or any doors open... nuthin...

My Thanksgiving is looking interesting... tried to get ahold of my friend but she didn't answer... so it's looking like Turkey day will be a day of solitude and work... everything works out for a reason right?

And now... I have to work on a paper... PRAISE GOD!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Things that make you go Hmm...

So today I got my Shorter Christian Prayer book (abbreviated Liturgy of the Hours)... and I begin with the first antiphon... "You cannot serve both God and Mammon" and it continues to talk about the emptiness of wealth.. Psalm 49... and I'm thinking... lately I've been struggling with some decisions... which I've been asking for some sign of His providence. Some decisions I'd rather go one way... which may be the way He's leading me away from...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Thought

Lord, consume me,
more that I have just
consumed Thee.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I REJOICED when they said to me...

I was thinking while I was praying the chaplet how far I stray sometimes, just to feel the gentle hand of the Father slowly guiding me back...

It's truly amazing how wonderful Confession is! Stronger than an exorcism... or so I understand from exorcists I've read, and met... and I'd attest to that! For which can bring about conversion? Certainly NOT excorcisms! they're for deliverance, Confession is for conversion (via repentance)

It's AMAZING! God's love for each of us! It's amazing that He loves me so much... humbling, yet more inspiring than any story ever told.

HARRY POTTER!!

The movie was AWESOME!!!

I loved it... very very funny, and then very very depressing...
I really enjoy that it incorporates and promotes an emphasis on near-heroic morals!

It's heartening to see a good guy who is actually innocent and good!

Great movie!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Anxious prayer

O, Lord!
Where must I go from here,
from this place where I know not your direct call
this time where you ask me to wait?

I'm so used to you speaking when
your plan for me is near,
yet, now! Now!

you let me sit wondering
if this path is mine?
if I'm on this path for my sake
or for yours.

I desire to know,
and I beg to hear
you're sweet reassuring voice.

Speak Lord, your Servant is listening!

you're preparing me for something,
somethign I can't quite place,
but something nonetheless.

and I feel uneasy knowing this,
queasy and fearful of what it is...
the longer you wait, the deeper my fear...

though I will embrace it when it comes,
I need you to know what I'm feeling...
I'm scared.

I want to be your servant,
to be the slavish being that I am.
but I like it better when you keep me
doing something, so that the path ahead is not so ominous
so mysterious,
so far.

I know you want me to be patient, to rest, to prepare,
but that's what I'm afraid of!
FOR WHAT!

I bless You for the gifts You've given me,
the wondrous gifts of late,
I love them so much!

Bless and protect me,
release my anxiety,
and prepare me...

I'll wait. I promise.
And I'll let you decide
when I am ready.

Gah! But why!?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Servum Domini

One thing I realised today as I was talking with a friend about charismatism, was how foolish and hard-headed I had to be, that God had to act so directly in my life as to give me a profound gift of faith. That gift being knowledge of the true presence.

What a fool I must be, and how lowly, that I can not believe without seeing.

and how great a God that He let this low, low, worthless servant see.

crazies everywhere

so two days ago it was still fall... and yesterday it abruptly changed to winter... snow, slush, ice and all! All I have to say is NORTHERNERS ARE CRAZY! They like this stuff! The wind bites your face, making your whole head a popsicle and the slush freezes your toes... it's crazy.

anyhow... today I heard the same scripture for the third time... each time while I was praying for God's discernment... crazy. I'm not sure what it is that He's asking me to do, but it surely is Him... The only thing I think he wants me to do is something I feel like I'm doing, not Him. So I'm trying to figure that one out.

Lord make your ways known to me... wipe the scales from my eyes that I can see! PLEASE! Lord! I need You!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

sadness...

so I'm sad... cause I just realised I can't go to adoration tonight, tomorrow or friday night as I have duty :-(

I'm thinking about hidding away in a storage room and praying... where no one can find me unless they call the pager... :-)

Praise GOD! May it all work out tonight!

I've been reading John of the Cross' Assent of Mt. Carmel... and it is REALLY REALLY GOOD!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Test...

Whew... so I got my test back today and I was one point away from a B! I got a C... then while he was reviewing it in the class, I noticed that he marked one of my questions wrong!

so I got TWO points! yay! I now have a B!

Now got to go study for major test tomorrow (that I got postponed from last week) in a class I have another test in Friday! GAH!

Ecce servum Domni! (I think I got that right... Behold, a slave of the Lord!)

So last night I took a "night away" from the dorm, permitting me to break my otherwise normal 3am curfew. (I only get 12 nights away a semester) so in doing so I got to go to ADORATION for FOUR HOURS!!! YAY!!!!

I love Jesus in the Eucharist... I can't say why other than He draws me there.

I read something recently about how without adoration we can not live... so Adoration (capital A) is a worthy place to start!

I also got to go to Mass at noon, so that was really really nice!

Recently a few friends have asked me to start a Charismatic Prayer Group... I'm praying about it, and I'm currently unsuer of what my role should be in regards to bringing about God's will... am I to direct them to others or am I to lead? I don't know if I have the time to lead... so I'm praying for God's will to be EVIDENT! And I've challenged Him to place His will before my eyes.

I think I'm going to start midnight adoration runs everynight :-)
YAY! Late nights with JESUS! I miss them so!
then twelve hours later!
MASS!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

so weird... so weird.

kat and I are done.
done period.
no might bes or maybes or trying to figure outs...
its over...

and it hurts, as I really want her beside me, comforting, loving me.

I want her... but it can't any longer be.

this past week I got gen 24 as a scripture... and for the first time I felt God was telling me I could let go of Kat... that he'd be okay with it.

So I feel I've run the race, and ran it hard, doing as he's asked all along the way... and now I'm left with the "you can quit the race, you're too hurt" option that I felt I had to take.

Its so odd to put your whole heart into something expecting that it'll take you somewhere great... only to end up sitting on the sideline with a gaping wound. One that will heal, but one you hoped would go away and let you finish the race.

He also told me awhile back that the reason I was to pursue her at the time was to love him more... maybe I have... maybe I do.

Perhaps this was one of those obedience moments where he tells you to go one way, giving you a beautiful, sweet goal, just to ask you to be obedient and turn away when he asks, and to go in a different direction.

I can't imagine how weirder it will be when every night I don't talk to my balcherdove... when every day doesn't end with a prayer with the woman I love... with the sweet gentle darling I care for. I can't imagine not seeing her for a month or perhaps more... its so weird.

I love you Jesus, guide us. Guide me.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

the end?

332
11.5
is this the end?
is this the last moment? the moment I broke? I gave, I'm done?
it hurts, it sucks it hurts...
I wish it didn'nt have to be...
I wish it otherwise.
i wish I was not fighting what I feel I shoudl do, just to do what I feel I must.
why is she the way she is?
335

Sunday, October 30, 2005

I'M PUBLISHED!!!!

So this is a prayer of mine that is now published!!! I can now be officially CITED! YAY!!!! (Citation follows the prayer... OF COURSE!!!)
:-D



My hands, my feet, and my breath: words and body,

my very life,

my soul, my heart, and my love,

these I surrender.

Should my path grow dark, the night long, the terrors close,

should my heart be shattered, my mind lost, my very body torn,

I vow, I choose, I know,

I will follow

you, my glorious Lord, God and King.

To your invitation, I cry out, YES!

And I live

for you.

Alonzo, E. (2005) "Prayer of Hope" Teen Prayers by Teens. Boston, Pauline Press.

Friday, October 28, 2005

good/bad times

So... I won an award for
"CA of the Month" (resident assistant of the month)

And my academic project "Study Sundays" also won an award.
"for best Academic intiative"

Both awards were campus wide for september.

Then last night I won bingo five times (three in a row, two separately) I won four DVDs, a shirt and a blanket. I gave away one of the DVDs for a cupcake (since I didnt want it and people kept getting mad that I was winning so much).

Then I slept through my classes today (I took a sleeping pill that was supposed to make me sleep 8 hours... it lasted 12-13 hours.) So that SUCKs.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Connexion?

I was just thinking... that this is the way I felt as a Youth Minister...

could it be that God is calling me to do something else, to devote myself to something else? or simply to be more balanced?

I've had odd offers in my recent years, to lead this or lead that... be part of this big thing... impact peoples lives greatly over here... no come over here!

it's confusing... cause all I want is to BE RESPONSIBLE SOLELY for myself... but he pushes me elsewhere...

Why can't I be a hermit God?

Why must I be force somewhere uncomfortable for me... where I feel so much a failure... why must you place me where I feel this?

I like simplicity... yet you make my life so complex!

Is it worth it?

For the first time in 2.5 years I'm not going to be on the honors list this semester... wow... it feels so bad... yet partially relieving that I don't have to push... I just have to get by this semester... but I feel so much a failure, if I don't do my best...

and I'm not...

I wonder if its from being a CA or if its being a person without willpower to drive myself to do more than one thing at a time...

if it is being a CA is it worth it? or should I quit next semester to bring my grades back up? or should I risk failing again and possibly messing my grad school application up seriously?

it'd be easier to give up being a CA if I was in texas... I'd not be in such debt... :-
but here... I need it to survive and not be in extraordinary debt when I graduate... so its not so easy to sacrifice for my grades.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

SCHNIGLE-FRITZ!

GRRRR....

so life is a bit weird now... busy with house activites, and with school... I have a test tomorrow, but I'm not feeling good... I just want to curl up and cry.

Kat and I are still weird... sometimes I get such a strong interior knowledge that we're supposed to get back together... at others, I hear Kat wanting to run far away, at the same time as her wanting me not to date anyone else.

It's really stressful... wanting to love someone so much, who at times seems to want to return it, but mostly doesn't want to show it or acknowledge it, and at other times wants to run far away.

She loves me at one moment, only to freak out the next because of some small mistake that makes her no longer perfect, that she cant deal with.

Why are relationships (even former ones) so difficult on the heart?

On top of that, my GPA is taking a nose dive this semester... as I'm expecting to get all B's... not exactly exciting or desirable.

Gar... on top of that I'm not perfect, though even I would like to be.

Friday, October 07, 2005

AMAZING!

This day has been schweet!!!

people left and right telling me happy birthday, making a point to say it! (Even people I've had to document!)

One guy said I was the coolest CA (aka. RA) ever...

I'm really surprised how many people care!

YAY!


(other than that, I did amazingly poor on my test today... gah... this is gonna suck to bring back up!)

Oh Happy DAY or: How I Learned to Stop Studying and Love the Residents

So I've gotten alot of people telling me Happy Birthday today(and it's only 430am!) its AMAZING! So many people made a point of stopping by and saying it around midnight! I LOVE RESIDENTS!

Some even posted it on their blog or on facebook!

And I especially love two amazing women on the third floor!
who surprised me with an amazing gift!


So I walk out of my room around 3 or 4 am and find baloons on my door and a sign :-)
And I'm so happy that the girls did this!



































Then I wander to the restroom (my reason for leaving my room) and find another poster!





















Then after leaving the restroom, I see one on the fire door at the end of the hall










So I decide to grab my camera and go on a hunt!










I found one on the exit towards Oak/Elm!























One on the restroom downstairs























And one on the door towards Barton...






















THEN! I notice one in the stairwell going up to the third floor!





















And find one on the Girls restroom upstairs






















On the fourth floor white board...







In the north stair well between 3rd and 2nd






















(yes this is a picture of me with straightened hair)






And finally I discovered that I missed one on my own floor! On the intramurals board!
















THANK YOU GIRLS FOR MAKING MY BIRTHDAY START OFF SO AWESOME!!!

YOU GIRLS ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!

Friday, September 30, 2005

Packages

so I've been getting cds and packages for a few days, but i've been waiting for this one... Jennifer Knapp Kansas!! finally came in today... one of my all time favourites... its awesome... and I love the simple music complemented by powerful vocals... its amazing... I love it...

I also love all the bike stuff I got two days ago... got a truing stand, a seat, a multi tool, a spoke wrench, a computer and a cadence adapter, a hydrapak and various other goodies... all in all 200$... but ti came in such a small box for that cost... :-( but I guess its all really really really worth it!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Humility

Referring to the certified miracle which is required for sainthood, Dziwisz said: "The Holy Father didn't want to hear talk of such things. He would say `If by chance something should happen, God makes miracles, not me. I pray. These are mysteries. Let's not talk of these things.'

"But there were so many miracles which happened during his life," his longtime secretary said, without elaborating.

(http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,167205,00.html)

oh God, bless us with humility... love... and desire for You and Your will.

How much am I ready to claim the good things that happen through me? even if I know it can't possibly be me... and how often do I justify the bad, the dark, the sinful, as okay, something I might as well succumb to?

Johannes, ora pro Nobis!

If only I had a fraction of his Love...

John Paul's eyes were practically closed during a Mass celebrated at the foot of his bed in the late afternoon of March 31, the account said.

"But at the moment of the consecration, he weakly raised his right hand two times, that is, on the (raising up) of the bread and wine. He made a gesture indicating he was trying to strike his chest during the recitation" of the Lamb of God prayer, the Vatican said.
(http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,169713,00.html)

this weekend

I'm really excited for this weekend! I get to go out of town to DSM... for a few days... to catch up on class reading and hang out with some friends... it'll be a nice escape... and I get to go out with Kat, Emily and Christina for a bit friday...

otherwise, things are going well... busy busy busy... but I just got a few cds in the mail!!!

Bob Dylan's greatest hits #3
Caedmon's Call Chronicles
and Raze...

Tomorrow I'm expecting
one of my favourite CDS of all time:
Jennifer Knapp Kansas...!

So excited!

Friday, September 16, 2005

test

just took a test in my ethical theory class...
I think it went well... the essay was half about Aquinas.

still feeling sickish... can't figure out why, the docs did blood work and xrayed my lungs yesterday, and no infection... so the assumption that I pulled out of the doc (they apparently don't like to diagnose) was that it was my asthma (and I added in my mind, and Allergies)... just really bad asthma and allergies.

had a lot of sleep last night and my body still feels sick... maybe it's AAA, Asthma allergies, anxiety... ;-)

c'est la vie... going back to class...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

BUSY

So lately I've been really busy, working on an forming an academic program for the six local houses (and all the suprising politics that comes with that) and being sick... (in addition to school, the rest of my work and friends... who've been dying to see me...

Got my old webpage partially up (not fully functional, but mostly)... http://www.public.iastate.edu/~sirhair/

and otha stuff


:-)
Edward

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Good times good times

played midnight ultimate frisbee today... a pick up game that Becky and Bridget called, but ended up being like 10 of my house guys... it was fun... we played with a disc with lights... Ive never seen one but it was fun... playing DG tomorrow wiht some guys... I have FREE TIME now! the last two days I've been stuck in my room... 8a-9p yesterday, and 8a-6p today with lunch brought to us... yay! I'm Free! Got a date with confession tomorrow PRAISE GOD!!!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Devout catholic of the orthodox variety

Devout catholic of the orthodox variety
I neither classify as a “conservative” or “liberal” in the American senses of the words, though many might label me conservative, I thoroughly believe conservativism and liberalism are both perversions of the virtue of justice. One withholds justice due to some idea that “old” ways are right by virtue of being “old” and the other the same, though in regards to “new” ways. I believe that there is a thing such as truth, and one of humanity’s duties is to discover it. Likewise, I believe that once truth is verified, denial of it is cowardice; rejection, insanity; and change of it impossible (though it may be clarified to a greater extent). I believe we all are sinners and fall short of perfection, and because of that we cannot devalue others for a sin different than ours, but we must all the more embrace them in love, and in love recognize when we are obliged to confront their sin and when it is most prudent to not, and offer just your presence. I have many friends who know my beliefs are in union with the Church’s (and most had large misunderstandings about what the Church teaches) and they know I disagree with, and am sorrowed by, their choices when they sin. But most of all they know, despite this disagreement I love and care for them as friends that I would sacrifice much, if not everything for. I am imperfect. I am a sinner. And how ungrateful would I be if I, who have been forgiven so much and had the chasm that separated me from God cast so quickly aside, enforced a chasm between myself and others or withheld forgiveness or belittled someone for their sin.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Back

I'm Back!

At school and ready for the year... I'm a CA this year (community advisor, other schools call it RA, Resident assistant), so I've been moved in... Originally they gave me the keys/room assignment for a girls floor... but they move me to my floor when I was confused by it...

My flight here went well... I choose to get bumped to a later flight, in exchange for some food money and a 300$ voucher (I was considering the free round trip ticket, so I could go visit alaska, but I figured the 300$ ticket would be more useful in the medium run... since it's 100$ to reschedule canceled flights, and I have two canceled right now).

I stayed at Rachels house tuesday night, with her family which was nice and fun... it's always interesting to be with large families, and rather cool too. Then yesterday Becky brought me up to Ames, and we had dinner at Hickory Park(?) which was surpisingly good. After she left I went to walmart to buy some stuff... and found a 5$ beard trimmer! which is cool! because it's 5$!!!

Now I await a beautiful woman to arrive back in Des Moines Saturday!

YAY GOD!

Friday, May 27, 2005

stations in louisisana

Hello everyone! This is Kat. I know, I know..."Um...Yes?" is not my blog, but my dear friend Edward asked me to update it for him as I have more access to the internet than he does.

So you are probably wondering how he is and what he is doing...

He is at a retreat house called Maryhill living with a community of men, including his best friend from college, Ben. He's working there (or working for his boarding) doing odd jobs, including designing two grottos to Mary: one at the retreat house and one for Steubenville South. But the best part, in my opinion anyway, is that his room is right next to Jesus' room! As well as I could understand, there is a chapel with the Eucharist in the center of the house and his room is neighboring the chapel. It was super fun when I talked to him after he'd gotten there and he said "If I have MY window open and HE has HIS window open, I can see Him from my room!" (Apparently if he opens the tabernacle doors, he can have adoration anytime he wants because there's a permenant monstrance set up in there.) Well it's pretty stinkin' cool to be neighbors to Jesus anyways. :)

Here is something he sent to me today. [Yeah...he likes being holy. :)]

hey just got out of my divine mercy/adoration hour and thought you'd
like to see what I came up with:
Stations of the cross:
1st- condemned
How often have we: Failed to be just or accept rightful authority?
2nd- carries cross
How often have we: Thought we could do it without Christ's help?
failed to carry ours? been prideful?
3rd- falls
How often have we: feared to follow for fear of falling in the esteem
of others? feared to follow because of who it might make us?
4th greets mary
How often have we: forgotten our pain and comforted others? spoken to
others about Christ?
5th simon helps
How often have we: felt as if we are burdened by our family or
friend's crosses? not offered to help others?
6th veronica wipes face
How often have we: done all we can even the smallest action, to those
dying or in pain? Forgotten to show others our love for them, through
small acts of love?
7th falls 2nd time
How often have we: fallen again and decided to stay down and enjoy the
mud? not persevered? not focused on God but on things of the World?
8th greets women
How often have we: Failed to bring others to Christ? Failed to belong
to Christ centered groups or made Him the center of other groups, even
if its just in our hearts?
9th stripped
How often have we: failed to maintain the dignity of other people's or
our own bodies? Stripped them or ourselves?
10th nailed to cross
How often have we: Been willing to accept piercing criticism and pain
that sends shudders to our very core?
11th dies
How often have we: been willing to die for our faith? Made it that important?
12th placed in arms of mary
How often have we: not given comfort to those in pain or been late in
giving when we could have been quicker?
13th placed in tomb
How often have we: enjoyed the darkness? Hidden from our
responsibilities? permited ourselves to remain in depression by
nursing it and not seeking help? not reached out to those in
depression or darkness?

Well there's some of the things that were running through my head as
we mediated on the stations today. I think it's a good examination of
conscience

...So that's all (this is Kat again). Have a wonderful day!

God bless you!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Over... sorrta

finals are over! YAY!... but now I feel like something is ended... some time of my life... and it feels something greater than just this semester has ended... as if I'm endeavouring into a new part of my life... :-/ I wonder what that means... the last time I had this feeling, my life changed drastically... though this time I doubt drastic changes will occur... I wonder and wait for what subtle changes the Lord has in store for me this summer... perhaps I will learn where I'm to be in life? perhaps I will see things in ways I've forgotten or never seen? It'll be nice to be living at the retreat site in Louisiana... (maryhill in alexandria/pineville)

and BEING NEXT DOOR TO 24 HOUR JESUS!!! YAY!!! And being with my little brother (Lambda Omega Alpha, Catholic Fraternity at UT austin.) who I've grown so much spiritually with at various points in my life!

Friday, April 29, 2005

FINALS

havent posted in a bit... and probably wont for a few days due to finals, and final papers... have fun!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

A key to the doctrine of the Eucharist by Abbot Vonier

So I'm reading this book, and so far I've found some very interesting things:

"Anyone who has faith is in the supernatural state, and therefore is directly in touch with Christ's life, even though he be actually in the state of mortal sin." p4


This is a bit convicting, and true... regardless of what we desire, once we've received the Gift of Faith, we can never truly turn our backs on the Truth... until the moment we make a sin of "formal infidelity"... the only one of which I know is that sin that witches embrace when they write and sign a statement declaring that Christ is not their master, and that Christ is a lie.

"If we really believe that the Church possesses enough power to wipe away sin, we assume, as well, that sin is compatible with membership in Christ's mystical Body." p4-5


Wow... sin doesn't kick you out of the Church, only out of the ability to receive grace... this line has never been shown to me... but it makes much more sense! This also calls me to humility and love of our brethren, and brings comfort to me when I sin, that I am still part of the Body.

"To every one that hath shall be given, and he shall abound, but from him that hath not, that also which he seemeth to have shall be taken away" p8 mt 25:29

I've never seen MT 25 written this way with "seemeth to have"... and this makes more sense and is seemingly more compatible with God's love... he doesn't take that which you have, but in his love he takes the blindness from our eyes, and shows us that we don't possess those things we THINK we have. He shows us how empty our "possessions" are with out receiving them truly from the only One who can really give anything.


"Is not the Son of God made Man, the Sacrament par excellence the magnum sacramentum, the invisible made visible." p9

:-) YAY JESUS!!!
Magnum Saramentum! The Great Sacrament! Something only Catholics and Orthodox really understand! That GOD so loved the world that HE BECAME FLESH! Not to tell us He hates our FLESH but to show us that He LOVES our FLESH! Just as much as our SPIRIT! He wanted to show us that he loves and respects us how he created us, an inseparable body and spirit mix.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Greetings to the Holy Father!

the vatican has posted a link from their site to email greetings to our Holy Father!
Go here and select "Greetings to the Holy Father"
http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/elezione/index_en.htm
If that doesn't work for you, his email is: benedictxvi@vatican.va
use "Greetings" as the subject

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, SHOUT TO THE WORLD OUR LOVE FOR BENEDICT!!
(oh, and email him your love too! ;-) )

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Papam Magnum

The more I think of Benedict, the more beautiful and great I think the man is!
I am so EXCITED!!!! I didn't think he had a chance at being pope, so I expected someone else... during noon mass today when the priest said "and our holy father, Benedict" I was taken aback that we had a pope so soon! Yet I was also horrified that it was a liberal cardinal, but excited and wondering whom it would be... was it the secret cardinal? was it some one from africa? was it someone from latin america? was it *gasp* ratzinger? It couldnt be! God bless the pope whomever he is!

After mass, I asked my friend hurriedly who was it? she didn't know... so I asked was it ratzinger? still she didnt know... she asked the first name, and said he was from Germany... I questioned joseph? She said she thought so... I then asked the front desk: "Who is Benedict?" after a pause, and some confusion, she said "oh, Ratzinger."

I've been excited since! He's the man! He's our Father!
YAY!!!!

Papal Family!

Can you imagine being brother to the pope!
You would so know that God has a favourite!
:-D
(and I would venture to say it was you!)


​​​​

German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (right, top) with his family in
1951, after he and his brother were ordinained into the priesthood.
Photo: Reuters


--- from Pontiff's brother 'stunned'
In Regensburg, Germany, the older brother of the new pope, who said only weeks ago that German cardinal Joseph Ratzinger "has not got a chance" of becoming the next pontiff, was stunned by the choice today.

"He sank before the television and isn't saying a word," said the housekeeper of the 81-year-old prelate, Georg Ratzinger, Agnes Heindl.
"I've never seen him like this," she said.

Heindl said that Georg Ratzinger was now concerned he would see his 78-year-old brother even less often than before.

He told the Abendzeitung newspaper earlier this month that his brother would never succeed John Paul II as pontiff.

His age would count against him, he said, adding "I cannot imagine that a German would be elected pope."

YAY!

I'm excited... someone shown to truly be a prophet has become our pope!
May we bless the holy father, as he blesses us with his ministry!
Viva il papa!

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger



HABEMVS PAPAM
BENEDICTVM XVI

Monday, April 18, 2005

Emptiness

our emptiness is proclaimed:



This image, the official seal of the sede vacante... vacant seat, is supposed to be used on all official documents during the times of no pope... from stamps to the flag...

I went to the vatican website today to do some research and being greeted by this image was painful... saddening and emptying.

May God bless the cardinals as they participate in the choosing of His vicar.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

computers

As I'm procrastinating my paper, I realised that computers have come an extraordinarially long way in recent years... from server based power, to personal power the size of a text book... I'm amazed! If you told me a few years ago that laptops would be as common and so small, I'd laugh and point to the server I was working on... and say, yeah right... servers are the way things are going! Bigger and faster!

"I have no Idea where I am going"

I miss Kat... she's a holy woman and one I never honored enough... something that saddens my heart daily now, because I can't honor her the way I want, due to our current confusion.

I know God has a plan in store, and though I think I know it, it doesnt mean that I do. I pray that God works through me in this time, to guide Kat to Him further, and to give me the strength to love her enough to know that I may not be His path for her, and to care for her enough that I want His path above the path I want.

May God bless us both in this time... and may His face shine upon us.

Thomas Merton's Prayer
----------------------
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

quick update

So I won the game (killing 5 out of the 7 other people) and now I have to catch up on work... got a paper due in less than two weeks (8-10 pgs) and lots of reading to get done... hmm... well at least it's really interesting stuff! (philosophy of physics, metaphysics and such)

Friday, April 08, 2005

Game ON!!

So my friends and I are playing assassins... 8 of us drew names and then drew weapons... we're playing from friday 1201 am until the last man standing... it'll be great!

DEADLY ASSASSINS

Start - 12:01 Friday April 8
-If you are killed give all names to your killer. ( tell that person who is next on your list)
-If you get your own name, then you become freelance and can kill anyone....
NO KILL ZONES - bathroom, class, and the library.
-Weapons - Yogurt, water baloon, sock, tennis ball, whip cream, flipflops (thong), sillystring
-freelance weapon - a loaf of bread
-must carry name/weapon card at all times. (cross name off on card if killed)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Semester Ending

so I've got 2 papers in 4 weeks to write and research... not so bad considering that some of my friends have on the order of 14!

Other than that, I'm good... been busy studying trying to catch up and get a bit of progress in the paper dept... I'll post them on "ad satisfactionem" at some point in the future...

Well I should really go study and read!
YAY! I'm only down to 50 pages behind!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Meditation on Faith.

Behold the terrible majesty of God, that He was so humble to come as an infant.

Friday, April 01, 2005

april fools fun

today's been great
we've pranked a friend by switching her toothpaste with a mix of toothpaste and hand lotion... she didn't know until after someone told her after brushing her teeth.

I went disc golfing at an amazingly beautiful course right near my dorm...
We played softball and catch... dunked water on friends, T.P.'ed their rooms, some of my friends put happy post-its with messages about how why they like another friend on her door, with photos (who didn't want to be pranked, so they did a nice thing)... I got my door duck-taped and shaving cream covering my handle and key hole... and other fun things...

and I had a person chase after me just to meet me!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Sequentia (Dies Irae)

Quaerens me, sedisti lassus:

Seeking me, Thou didst sink down wearily,

Redemisti crucem passus:

Thou hast saved me by enduring the cross,

Tantus labor non sit cassus.

such travail must not be in vain.

from http://requiemonline.tripod.com/lyrics/latinlyrics.htm

How profound just three lines...


Thanks Penitens for the quotes on your site that led me to this!




NOTICE OF NEW BLOG

due to the ever increasing lenghth of my philosophical and theological postings, I've decided to create a new blog.
"Ad Satisfactionem Omni Poscenti Vos" at VobisEstSpe.blogspot.com

So for those who want a quick and basic translation of the title of my new Blog:
Ad Satisfactionem Omni Poscenti Vos
"To the satisfaction of all asking you"
And here is a translation of the site name (VobisEstSpe.blogspot.com)
Vobis Est Spe
"To you that of the hope"

Both of which are from 1 Pt 3:15...
ad satisfactionem omni poscenti vos rationem de ea quae in vobis est spe (Latin Vulgate)
"But sanctify the Lord Christ in your hearts, being ready always to satisfy every one that asketh you a reason of that hope which is in you." (Douay-Rheims)
"but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope" (NAB, New American Bible)

The purpose of this blog is simple... this is where I will post my philosophical and theological thoughts and musings... though I am learning, and I will fail, I will seek always to find the Orthodox Catholic path in this undertaking...

St. Thomas Aquinas, patron of Scholars, Philosophers, and Theologians, Pray for us!

Monday, March 28, 2005

Gedankenexperiments (thought experiments)

This is a proto-thought, so I don't intend it to be well fleshed out...

It seems that part of the problem that occurs between the Theologian (theist) and the Atheologian (atheist) is due to differing ideas of the utility of Gendankenexperiments...

I maintain that we should work from a system without contradiction. If there is such a thing, there should be no discussion that we presently exist in one (if there is not such a thing, then the premises of logic seem pointless).

In such a case, if we are to discuss the existence of God, would it not be most pertinent to question that hypothesis within the system, and determine if it is consistent in the system? Though one might claim that discussion of hypothetical world systems where God created so-and-so or everyone perfect (such that free will never lead to any choice of evil or the complete lack of any evil), is pertinent to such a discussion, I would say that one can not admit relevance of such a hypothetical, without establishing prior that one can do so without logical contradiction.

If we already have a system we imagine is non-contradictory. then should we not start in that system. Even if we are not fully aware of every aspect of this system, we assume this system is non-contradictory, and thus by basing our information off of this system, we minimize the amount of variability when we are questioning a hypothesis, such as the existence of God.

Starting from intellectual scratch seems prone to contradictions, obvious or implied. As I hold the Atheologian's position on Theodicy has.

This is why I propose that for the clarity, Plantinga's method of showing the impossibility of any world but ours seems promising for future theologians. (A concise and approximate summary of Plantinga's method is: There is a person Bob who makes the free will decision to dance because he's happy right now. Now if we analyze every other "possible world" we find that it is impossible for Bob to NOT dance right now, given that he's happy, has free will and that Bob would dance right now if he is happy. God could make Bob dance, but then Bob would not have free will. If Bob does NOT HAVE free will in this world, where he HAS free will, then this is a contradiction, and this world can not exist. On the other hand, Bob could make the free will decision not to dance, but we have already stated that if he is happy he will dance, and we know that he is happy, so that this possibility is also IMPOSSIBLE, as it creates another contradiction, namely that he decides with his free will NOT TO dance, even though he will decide with his free will TO dance.)

This is by no means a support of Plantinga... I think his idea is heading in the right direction, but I believe his premises are rife with problems... mostly due to his discontinuity with traditional Theology.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

lacrimae rerum

Kat and I have ended our relationship...
and though pain I feel,
it must be laid down,
that like Christ it might be crucified,
and my pain resurrected.

Sadness...

I am so horrified by what I just read that my stomach and mouth are ready to vomit... my very soul is sad, my mind is begging for an answer... my heart weeps... only a few times in my life has something other than sickness brought me this close to both tears and vomit.


LEADER EXCLUSIVE: Mother arrested for attempting to intervene in her 14-year old's decision to have abortion
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
For legal reasons, the names of the family and the 14-year old girl that are the subject of this story have been withheld at this time.
GRANITE CITY - A Sothern Illinois woman was arrested last week (March 17) after trying to intervene on behalf of her 14-year old daughter's effort to have an abortion. The girl was allegedly taken to an abortion clinic by the mother of the man allegedly to have impregnated the 14-year old.
According to the girl's mother, her 14-year old daughter was called off from school in Madison County by a woman posing as the girl's “grandmother.” The woman took the girl from her home only minutes before the girl’s mother returned home from work.
It was later determined that the woman who had posed as the "grandmother" to the school authorities was the mother of the male who had fathered the unborn child the 14-year old girl was carrying. The age of the male has not been released.
When the parents were notified their pregnant daughter was not at school, they suspected she had been taken to the Hope Abortion Clinic in Granite City. The parents and grandfather were the only persons authorized to request school absence for the fourteen year old female.
“My husband and I rushed to the abortion clinic where we saw our daughter’s name on the roster and the time she had checked in,” the mother said. She then went into the clinic and searched a room filled with young women awaiting abortions but did not see her daughter.
She took a seat near the main desk and said, “I was told I could not prove my daughter was there so I began calling her name. A medical tech at the clinic told me , ‘It’s your daughter’s rights, it’s her body. You have no rights.’”
After continuing to call out her daughter’s name and telling her “don’t do it,” authorities were called and the mother was arrested.
The 14-year old told her mother she could hear her but when she asked employees to give her mother a message, they came back to the room and told her that her mother had left.
Angela Michaels, of Small Victories Ministry, was tipped off as to what was happending at the Hope clinic. According to Michaels, she witnessed police placing the mother’s hands behind her back, taking her into custody. As the police were putting the mother in the squad car, she was crying out, “Please, please, help me...my daughter is in there.”
Michaels said, “Exactly one hour later at 10:35 a.m., the 14-year old emerged from the clinic looking disheveled. The 14-year old told us that employees kept her in a quiet room until the procedure was performed and she was told that her mother had left.”
Employees assured this girl on her departure, “No-one will ever know you were here, we’ll bury your records.”
In the meantime, the woman who had taken the girl for the abortion was slipped out the back door of the clinic.
The police in the community in which the family lives allegedly told the girl's mom that they couldn't intervene despite her making a charge that her daughter had been raped (by statute) because the charge was stale--7 weeks after the incident. They did tell the girl's mom that, while she had no right to stop the abortion, she did have a right to go into the clinic and speak to her daughter.
The parents are expected to file charges.
© 2005 IllinoisLeader.com -- all rights reserved
______
What are your thoughts concerning the issues raised in this story? Write a letter to the editor at letters@illinoisleader.com and include your name and town.

Circular reasoning?

A few things I've been pondering about the argument against God in Theodicy...

First it seems the arguments for Theodicy are CIRCULAR!
The underlying assumptions of Theodicy seem to assume NO GOD... which is unfair to the theist, and since as Hume (an atheist) implores we must start on even ground. (Though I think the atheist can only ever get false even ground, as I know the "hypothesis" of God is in fact so true that everything depends upon Him.)

The Theodicy arguments that I've seen so far consider evil as something akin to "pain and suffering". The nature of pain and suffering seems to cause the assumption that there is no God. Pain and suffering are generally considered as opposing Happiness and Comfort, they are not the opposite of God. In fact, it seems that if Pain and Suffering are "Evil" then the argument seems to imply utilitarian assumptions which include the non-existence of God. In the assumption of Happiness and Comfort as Good, it seems intrinsically to place only physical/emotional things into the equation, and denying the possibility of a Spiritual “Good” which includes God. Thus either the atheist is creating a Straw man argument between God and Evil, by devolving the argument into “moral and natural” good versus “moral and natural” evil, or if not, and they state in some way that they assume a God, then they are creating a False Dichotomy between Good and Evil, though this seems a unique False Dichotomy, by instead of failing to including the middle terms, it includes the middle terms at the failure to include the proper opposites or Dichotomy.

It seems that for the Atheist and the Theist to be on the “same ground” one must admit the possibility of God… though this possibility would by necessity be abstract and variable enough to be able to both include and exclude the possibility of God. The seeming best formation of a proper dichotomy would be “Good” and “not-Good” as they are explicitly contradictory and mutually exhaustive. And as a well formed Christian theist would deny the equality of God and evil, the best formulation of the dichotomy does not reduce not-Good to “evil”, but instead to “the privation or deprivation of Good”. This permits the atheist a place for his pain and suffering versus happiness and comfort, as well as permitting the theist a place for his God versus the privation of God, premise.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Theodicy stuff

This is from a daily writting for my class, based off of the problem of evil, specifically as outlined by J.L. Mackie in Evil and Omnipotence
His argument is of the form:
1. God is omnipotent
2. God is wholly good
3. Evil exists
4. Any two of the above leads to a contradiction with the third.
5. Therefore one must deny one of the three.
6. The believer claims all three are true.
7. Therefore, the believer is not logical in these beliefs.

He uses what he calls "quasi-logical rules" to connect good, evil and omnipotence to show that the contradiction in line (4) occurs. They are:
a.) "good is opposed to evil, in such a way that a good thing always eliminates evil as far as it can"
b.) "that there are no limits to what an omnipotent thing can do."
c.)from these two principles, "it follows that a good omnipotent thing eliminates evil completely and then the propositions that a good omnipotent thing exists [lines 1 and 2] and the evil exists are incompatible [line 3]"

------------------

I don’t know how coherent this is, and I know it probably needs some editorial work, but I think it clear enough to get my point across.

I deny the premise that "a good thing always eliminates evil as far as it can." Evil “is always and only the deprivation of what is Good” (West, Theology of the Body p.63), it is a non-entity; it is the lack of what should exist. In this sense it is nonsensical to say that a good thing always eliminates a no-thing. Perhaps what is meant by Mackie’s phrase is that a good thing must fulfill what lacks in good (or some similar concept). Or perhaps he means that a good thing immediately fulfills what lacks in good. The second of which I would claim nonsensical as well, as God (who in my understanding exists outside of time but still sustaining it) exists at every time via the essence of being “eternally now”. So a thing that lacks good could have been fulfilled previously or in the future and still be considered fulfilled “immediately”.

If by immediate, it is meant in the next human instant in time or some other such thing, then I would say that nothing could ever change or exist. Whereas, perfection is always constant and any change implies imperfection. If an object that is perfectly good exists, and a good thing (e.g., God) would not allow that object to be deprived of good, then God would not allow the object to change, as change implies imperfection, and a change from perfection is a deprivation, i.e., evil. Thus it seems to follow that if God created a perfect world, then it would be unchanging or nonexistent. But there is change and existence; therefore it is not the case that “a good thing always eliminates evil as far as it can.”

Similar logic shows that an object can not be perfect if it is not whole, so that the world would have to be homogenous, and one thing; for it to be good. But this is also not the case, so the premise again is not the case (in the specific meanings).

I would suspect that any variation of “a good thing must fulfill what lacks in good” is a non-tenable position, as that would ultimately imply that a perfectly good thing (e.g., God) would make everything perfectly good (e.g., God), but this reaches an infinite regress or the creation of nothing (i.e., only the perfectly good thing exists). And neither of these are the case, such that it seems it is not the case that “a good thing must fulfill what lacks in good”. It seems that there are two primary possible problems with the statement, either a good thing cannot exist, or if it does it has no obligation to fulfill what lacks in good.

And though I take the later view, I don’t know that a defense of it would be succinct enough to write before I fall asleep.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Spring Break?

So I've been on spring break for the last four-five days, and now I'm starting to get back into school mode... I have two large philosophical essays due in the next two months so I've been starting research on one and procrastination on the other... I also have two tests next week... which I'm not terribly concerned over... but I probably should be... tomorrow I plan to start studying for my Buddhism class... and monday (because thats when we get our review sheet) I'll start on my Philosophy of Physics class...

I'm in Des Moines right now with Kat... taking a break from Ames (ISU) and enjoying the peace and quiet... its nice...

School has been good so far... in metaphysics I got two 100's on the same test, something my teacher said he hasn't done in a very long time... in Logic I had a 100, and in Buddhism I had a 93% which was still one of the highest... Philosophy of Physics has yet to have a test so I'm unsure of my standing, though I've done pretty well on the quizes...

Two weeks ago Kat and I went to a weekend conference with Christopher West, discussing the Theology of the Body, nad I really enjoyed that... it was a nice break from the bleak philosophies that I read in class.

Anyhow... off to play games :-D it is spring break after all!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

metaphysics

Today in class we finally got to the theodicy section... our teacher told the story of invisible people in iceland (he's from iceland), and asked what makes Christian's story about God any better?

and... well...

Faith...
What is faith but belief in nothing?
Okay,
Miracles?
What are miracles, if they break natural laws, they can't occur... unless you're delusional?
(those were arguments in my head, and this was the basic jist of a conversation between the teacher and another atheist)
Experience?
What ground is that to convince others?

So I've been thinking... what is it that makes belief in God so rational to believers?
Though I still think experience is the most important thing... but how do you speak of miracles in ways others can understand? How can you speak of the Eucharist and it's power so that even a protestant doesn't think you're crazy? How can you speak of God's grace and love, and not be laughed out of class? And then how can you do it and salvage an A in the class?

I know at some point my teacher will point me out... and confront my belief... what do I say?

while walking back to my dorm, in the cold and silent street, I was thinking... and wondering... and I think the answer came...

Hope...
I don't know what else... just Hope...

Faith hope and love? no just Hope...

I think Hope is what divides those who have faith and those who dont... those who love for their own sake and those who love for things bigger than themselves... Hope... Hope seems to be what Christ brought us at the cross... hope...

Is it a good argument... NO... can I make a good argument? to open hearts... yes... to others... the judgment has been made, and no change will occur now... but perhaps, God will plant the seed of their own undoing, of their opening...

I don't know, but if anyone has ideas... I'm all ears.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Fun

Today Kat and I went around town dropping off 4340 entries into a contest (at 30 different sites) I still have like 6 sites left, but most of them went off pretty well...

Most people who saw me stuff my entries into their boxes were confused, but thought it was fun, and wished me luck, one of them (*at a jewlry store*) cheered loudly! it was really fun... and Kat and I got to run around town like a race!

YAY for fun! And then after Kat left back to Des Moines, I did some drops near campus, and discovered a game store, where I bought an expansion set for Axis and allies for 5$...!!! (the real reason I bought it was for the map... 30"x50" version of the map) so for 5$ I couldnt pass it up!

Now I need to study.. study study!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Pope...

So I was reading in book about the buddhist catholic dialogue... and kept getting references to the pope's book Crossing the Threshold of Hope... so I opened it up and started reading some page I had marked off at one time...

The page was surprisingly interesting, not for its help with my Buddhism project, but for its possible help with my Metaphysics class... it addressed the problem of evil... in a way I had not really connected before... it seems to make the bold, yet elegant claim that evil can not be understood aside from one small insignificant event in a desert... the way of the Cross... "The scandal of the Cross remains the key to the interpretation of the great mystery of suffering."

I normally think of the scandal of the Cross as simply the scandal of killing the incarnate God, or the scandal of people following a man who died on a cross... but I never considered that part of the scandal is that of "God's solidarity with man in his suffering"... the scandal of people saying "that's silly you think your God cares about YOU? You think your God cares about your suffering? Why would God answer the mystery of suffering that way??"

The scandal is:

Therefore, its value is for you who have faith, but for those without faith: "The stone which the builders rejected has become the cornerstone,"and "A stone that will make people stumble, and a rock that will make them fall." 1 peter 2:8
For Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who are called, Jews and Greeks alike, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.1 cor 1:22-25
The scandal is God entering human history, becoming one of us, embracing one of us as Emmanuel... and that God dying for us... but its not just that... its that IT MATTERS! It matters that he did this... despite disbelief... its the leap from "Okay, so what?" to "OH MY GOD, YOU CARE!" Its from the rationalism of the world, that leaves everything with out meaning, that leaves everything empty, that leaves everything dead and powerless... to this majestic understanding, that NOTHING is empty, nothing is dead, nothing is powerless or without meaning, because of CHRIST! Because of the incarnate God who died in his Desire to Justify himself to US...

US!


God did not have to die... He did not have to care, and if He did care, He most certainly did not have to die the death of a thief and murderer... but he DID... because of our strongheadedness, our egocentric love, our desire to strip everything of power... He did it, not for himself, but out of sheer OVERWHELMING AND GRATUITOUS LOVE... for us!...

us.






No one can ever deny the viscerally repugnant reaction to a whipped, nailed, bloodied and broken body...
hanging,
suffocating,
dying
on a cross.

No one can hear of this and not be haunted by God's Love.

No one.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Philosophers...

This is an exerpt from a comment paper on value theories:
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Initially I was going to say that it seems that philosophers could solve the issue of value very easily... with the premis that a Christian God exists. It seems to me a bit egotistical of philosophers to refuse to address such an issue... Tending to want to simplify the system, philosophers reject the premis on the assumption that 1. God does exist, and we cant know, or 2. God doesn't exist, and thus why complicate the system with the premis of a God? But this decision seems to bite the philosophers in the rear, leading to a tonne of other complications... i.e., value outside of Humanity's perception, Justice and other universals... it seems to me more evident each time I read the book that the premis of a God is much more elegant and seemingly more sensible... as it seems that philosophers like O'Neill are trying to clarify things so much so that things get even more confusing.
-----

I'm coming to a greater appreciation of how knowing a God exists unifies so much knowledge, and without a God, how much more difficult it is to know anything... it reminds me of Zeno's paradox about the Runner... (the runner to get to the end must first be able to get to the half point, but to get the half point, he must get to the half of the half point... eventually saying that for the runner to reach the end he mus cross an infinite amount of points, but that's impossible and thus running{or moving} is impossible.) The way I see it is the divisions are different knowledges... if you try to build a whole (reach the end) from all the divisions, it's not possible, because you have an infinite distance to cover... but say you have already reached the end of the distance, by not worrying about the divisions, just about the Goal (God). Once you've gotten to the Goal, you can look back and divide your path however you choose, and it will make sense, as to how it got you to your Goal.

I don't know if the analogy is well formed, but I'm typing fast, as It's dinner time... and I've got to go eat. I'll try to clear it up later.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Class

I looked a bit a head in my metaphysics book... and found that the Author (aka., my professor) comes to the conclusion in the section about God and Evil (theodicy?) that "therefore, there is no God"... so I'm going to need to rediscover refutations of this as the only solution... if anyone has any leads on ways of defending God and Evil, please send them...

One of my tactics will be to deny that the exisitence of evil is contradictory with the concept of an All-loving God...

Another I'm going to look into, is to state that if the view of evil is that it is only a finite thing, and God is infinite, then evil is not contrary to the all-powerful God.

But I'm far from even seriously starting into inquiry about how to defend it... so any help will be of great use.

Christian radio

Just had a thought earlier today about the radio spot that says that on the last day there will be people who tell jesus about all of their christian works... but he will say to them that he did not know them... (then it goes on talking about faith...)


If you have works, but no faith, then you are not saved. (as the above argument states)
If you have faith, but no works, then you are not saved. (as "faith without works is dead")
Lets say that it is only the case that you can have faith, but no works, or works, but no faith.
If these are your premises, then you are not saved OR you are not saved. Which is redundant, so we can reduce this to say: you are not saved (i.e., there is no possible way to be saved, if faith and works are mutually exclusive).

The problem with the argument is that faith and works are not mutually exclusive, but they are compatible. And it seems that it is only through both that we can be saved.

I thought of it this way today... if faith can be likened to God knowing us, then works seems able to be likened to us knowing God (knowing God calls us to action). And it seems the case that a relationship only occurs when both know each other.

So, a relationship with God requires Him to know us (give us the gift of faith) and for us to know Him (serve him through action), and not solely one or the other.

Friday, January 14, 2005

COLD

So I woke up early this morning to get some work done on the computers at the lab (I don't own one)... and enjoyed the nice iowa morning... and by nice I mean... downright evil... 6 BELOW! what DID THEY DO TO THE WEATHER! Okay... calm down... Anyhow... this weather is insane... but I got to the bus stop right when the bus came and joined the sardines... got to school and the lab was down... as were the other labs in the building I was in... as I was heading to another building I remembered I could check out a laptop, which I promptly did, and am now on... My classes are interesting... Philosophy of Physics, Logic, Buddhism, and Metaphysics... Phil Phys is interesting as I used to be a physics major, and it seems promising, as the teacher is affable. Logic... well yes... I took it last semester in san antonio, but it didn't transfer right, and though I could go and protest, I discovered that the class it did transfer in as, counts to my degree, and that it would be a good idea to start off my Iowa state career with a good GPA... also I still have several things I need to learn in logic, and I don't mind reinforcement of the teaching. Buddhism is interesting... it seems to have a very interesting teacher... and the subject matter is quite interesting... in fact for an oral report I'm going to work on the Catholic-Buddhist dialogue (so if any of you have info on that, please email me sirhair@gmail.com ), and Metaphysics is interesting... I think my teacher is pro-abortion and is an atheist... and so far my class seems to be hostile to faith... which will make this class an interesting cross... having to stand up amongst lions and defend the truth... already I know I'm going to have to decrease that He may increase... anyhow... I hope soon to post some pics but... as of now I don't have a permanent computer... so that may be a bit... also my classes are all intensive reading classes... (except logic) which is much different from my last few classes... which were only read the text book type classes... anyhow... I think its a bit odd that the best and brightest of the nation (or at least Iowa) are all so vehemenently opposed to truth and tradition... they want so much to be unique and novel that they accept any garbage that presents itself as gold... may the youth of our nation stop being such... such teenagers.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Iowa

Well... I am actually very okay, I've just been busy... I'm in the process of moving up to Iowa State university on the 6th. I'm currently in Des Moines... I've got a new red Parka with a comfy and detachable Fleece lining... I've got gloves, a hat and cold weather... but I miss the 81 degree weather of San antonio today! :-( it's 22 or something here... and it "feels like 11" according to weather.com... other than that I'm just getting administrative things done before school starts next week... and looking for a job Thanks for the concern Penitens!
I'll hopefully be posting more in the weeks to come...
God bless!