Day four... no time to edit...

Day four
1046
Never forget your knife at home it is always important.
If you buy something you want, don't worry if it was a good price.
1047
12/28/06
1110
Spent about 8 euro on a charger and 8 euro on food that should last me several days at least as supplemental food. Currently waiting in line for train tickets... Hopefully I can catch a cheap one to split or somewhere like that.
I don't know when next i'll be able to post on my blog (or when i'll get a warm shower and nice bed).
1115
1152 got my ticket to ancona hope everything works out... Mary guide me.
1153
Doesn't matter which country you are in there are scams and americans... The scams here are mostly the same aside from the theatrical and dramatically posed mother holding a child she wants money to feed. " solo lacte"... Crazy perhaps I'm attributing dramatics to reality, but its the same modus operandi as every other scam... Busy area, dramatic effect for quick recognition/emotive appeal, clean shoes/good clothes (that's part of the tell).
1203pm

Tombs~ 1hr
Mass ~.75
Lunch ~.5
Photo ~.25
To/from vatican ~.75
Webpost~1
Xfer $ ~.25
To/from hostel~.5

Total:5hrs perfect!
Too bad masstimes aren't flexible!
120pm

135
Lust is the perversion of our desire for beauty. We try to "have someone", and we only know how to have if we posess... And the only way we know how to posess something of someone is with a memory. The knolwedge that I had her by kissing her and by "having" her I had her beauty. I was able to get the beauty I desired, which means I can get it again from wherever I find beauty. We build our confidence upon posession, "I'm okay because I can get what I want when I want. I can get beauty, compassion and love." but we build this confidence on perveted ideas of the very things we crave. Beauty can not be taken from someone, we have a memory and thus we've subtituted what we desire with something attached to someone that has that which we desire. That`s all. But we're so good at fooling ourselves, that we think we're getting what we want, when what we want is now a few degrees further.

All our desires cannot be posessed, only ever attained and received.
151pm
205
Just ate lunch in st. Pete's square... Crostoni (dried bread that will hopefully stay good for a few days), cherry jam and fake gnutella and sparkling water (Yay!). And desert is pastacios! I guess one thing in travelling is trying to find your cheap food... The thing you can eat and eat and eat. And not get you sick from either revulsion or sweetness.
209pm
558pm
I'm rushing to the hostel right now (going through pete's square. If I get to post it will be this compilation of notes I keep for the day... Sorry I don't have time to edit or rewrite. I'll be out of communication for a while probably. But know I'm thinking and praying for you. Tonight I go to Ancona, where I hope to catch a ferry to croatia and then a bus to bosnia. Who knows where i'll end up or how... But God is with me is my middle name. (litterally).
God bless you all! Signing out from my cell.
604pm

Oh yes one more thing... I can't send letters if I don't have your mailing addy... So you (my friends, etc.) all need to send me your info!
607pm

The early third day of Christmas...

I woke up this morning at 605 am after sleeping around 3am... I prayed to wake up with enough time to get to the Vatican and get good seats for the Audience... turns out my alarm was on silent (and set to 645)... so when I woke up refreshed at 605, i decided not to go back to sleep and instead hope for a good sunrise...

That's my "I'm too tired to make a tired face, so here's a my eyes are open wide and yes I'm a bit scary right now

So I hopped in the shower, got ready and left, taking the metro instead of walking as I was hoping for a sunrise over St. Peter's square... which turned out to not happen but mostly due to it being overcast... I think the metro this moring was the longest time I was alone today... immediately when I got off the metro, I found a cafe, grabbed a cafe latte and a chocolate filled croisant for 1,90 EURO! Dirt cheap breakfast I'd say... no wonder why they eat so much stuff like that! After I got the cafe I talked with a older man for several minutes before heading into the square.

I'm getting pretty good at setingup self portraits...

After waiting awhile in the square, I discovered that the nativity scene I wasn't impressed by, looked amazing in the quiet morning sun, with soft footsteps distant... I have pictures... but ;-) I can't post everything! (unless you beg :-P)


When we wen to the hall, we were the first to start a new section, being in the second section on the right, second row, seats one and two (I met luke near the obelisk and after a bit of run around trying to find the auditorium, we ended up in line.)

For the most part of the time we waited (about two hours once indoors) we (the americans behind us and the colombians in front of us) staged a sit-in, refusing to get up until his appearance was close... which gave us breathing room and practiced my patience... and my friends. But it was also a practical crowd measure, to prevent ourselves from getting squished for too long/hard... we only got up about 30 mins before he came and when we did, we got squished a bit, but not nearly as bad as the pack in the above photo!

This thing is gorgeous! And i'm struggling right now to find out what it is... my guess is either creation or judgement... but I wish I could find out!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PAPA B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after this photo, Papa B came over at which point I got to both hold his hand and touch his ring! I had planned to touch my rosary to him, or at least hetti, but the moment he came over everything went out of my mind except "hand" then "ring". The photos that the official photographers took of me look crazy... (I bought one and will post it when I get it tomorrow or when I return to Rome if I leave before I pick it up). It's crazy... cause once I touched the ring, everything in my body shifted from whatever mix of excitement and intrigue and anticipation I had, into this very odd trance like peace... where everything all of a sudden seemed to disappear though completely apparent. I didn't expect it at all... but it was crazy. I don't really know how to convey what happened/is still happening, but peace has been a strong strain in my day.


The audience... he read in French, English, German and a few other languages... He's crazy at languages... he also sent out a blessing to the families of everyone present, and the sick... I have a video of the precise wordings, (I actually got lots of videos today) It's not posted yet, but I think in 6 hours or 18 at most, it should be at http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/audiences/2006/index_en.htm

After the Audience we got some really good pictures of the vatican city on the way out.

Luke and I. (He's a future "Chinese American" as he puts it... he's working in Bejing.)


Sometimes this city lends itself to moments of great beauty... and unfortunately... posting them all would drive you NUTS!

This was at St. John Lateran... I went into St. Mary Major, OL perpetual help, St. John Lateran, Holy Cross, 'St. Peter and St. James', and St. Martin (ai monti)... and I may have actually been in more than that... I could be forgetting a few... it's crazy... I only wanted to go into St. John and St. Pete's today... but I kept getting pulled into churches by people I kept meeting... like I said, I may have had five minutes throughout the day I wasn't with someone... and I was with many people today (four/six main ones)
we went to the coliseum (colosseum)
and then "St. Peter's and St. James'" Which had a divine mercy painting... and was the second time we (Susana and I) came into mass halfway... (eventually we made a mass at St. Martin at 6pm)
Susana and I walked around a bit after mass and headed down to the forum area... and on the way we found the above as we looked back!
(Susana and I)

But the night ended at The Victor Emanuel monument... (I think that's what this is... I'm too tired to check!)

So the whole day I've been looking for how to get to Medjugorge... but no one seemed to know how except a Cistercian monk who knew halfway and advised against it... Cistercians have a spirituality of finding God in ordinary life. And though I tend to agree that God is not "somewhere out there" but if He's found He'll be inside, sometimes going somewhere helps refocus my internal search.

I've also gotten a lot better at buying food... I still hope to stop by a grocer's soon... cause that's ideally cheap... so far I've got a good meal down to 3-5 euro (A large slice of pizza and a 1.5 ltr fanta is about 5, and if you buy a 1.5 ltr you have it for the rest of the day! So you can eat for like 10 euro or less three small meals.)

Anyhow, I'm gonna head! Night and God bless you all!

The Second day of Christmas (Christmas is an Octave...)

So today I finally got to go to my Christmas mass as due to travelling and generally things involving finding a place to sleep prevented me from going to mass... more on that later.


But today I was kicked out of my hostel at 120pm (I was sleeping and it was lockout hours, aka cleaning time) But it was good to be forced out...

I took the opportunity to do morning prayers (yeah I consider anytime I just woke up as morning) in St. Mary Major (Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore officially).

This is the madonna on the High Altar

This is a relic of the crib that Jesus was laid in.
(Also in this crypt several saints, popes and St Jerome are burried)

The dome for ONE of the SIDE chapels

Which I found out later on in the day is the one Church I was looking for in Rome... the Church that Celebrates the first apparition of Mary (as Our Lady of the Snows). So that chalks up one of my things to do on this trip... three more left (Medjugorge, Lourdes and Fatima).

the eucharistic chapel

It's sorrta nice to have St. Mary Major as my "home" church in Rome (like I said its two blocks away).




After praying, went to the Piazza Vittorio Emanuele II. Just a few blocks down the road.


Where I ate a panino regulare and drank a soda for 4,60 euro (the comma is where in the US we'd us a '.')... which actually meant I ate for cheaper than I would in NYC... much much cheaper... aside from the soda itself costing as much as the sandwich... in NYC, It'd be about 6$ for the sandwich and 1.50$ for the soda (for about 8.50$ or 5,60 euro)



After lunch I was deciding on where to go... vatican or Coliseum... the Coliseum was my intention, but something made me turn one block and spend some euro for the metro ticket to go across the river...


Turns out it was amazing... St peter's square was goregous, and I really enjoyed it (a bit different than I remember).

The North entrance to St. Peters Square.

The nativity scene in the center of the square (I didn't think much of it... the one inside the church was much prettier I thought, but since people around the world know this one I'd figure I'd post a picture :-P )

I also bumped into an Irish plasterer/painter who noticed they were giving out tickets for something papal at the bronze gates...


So I went in line and now tomorrow, I'm going to a papal audience at 1030, but getting there at 730 (which means I should get some sleep soon) But while in line for the tickets I bumped into a Chinese Catholic young adult who was concerned over the state of faith in the west...

(a sign on the way to the entrance of St. Peters... apparently people who are falling apart can't enter... we thought it was discrimination! )

(Hetti decided to stick as close to me as possible, for fear the the kids who were playing with her behind my back would steal her away if she was ever let free... But she had fun the whole day making Italians and foreigners laugh and smile... she's great at that ministry!)

the chair of St. Peter/high altar

After we entered the basillica (Hetti and I, that is) we went to confession which was perhaps one of the places in the church that seemed almost completely quiet, despite the noise just beyond the ropes... (Granted I don't recommend everyone bringing a chicken to the confessional, but mine doesn't judge me like the rest of them do! Chickens are usually quite peckish.) I also did my evening prayer there and afterwards proceeded to Mass at the high altar. Aka, where St. Peter's chair is located. And I'd say located quite convincingly... the thing is massive, yet the art work that supports it makes it look like a feather!

This was from the nativity inside... very beautiful

This was something I noticed after I was talking to some people from California after mass, we were talking about Fatima, when I looked and noticed what people were standing on to look at the nativity! I really really wanted a full picture of it, but people kept crowding around, and I figured it was best not to disturb them.

After talking to Don and Linda, I headed around the church when I noticed that the Pieta was not crowded... It had been the first thing I had seen and had stuck me dumb by it's beauty when I entered the Basilica. So I went over and prayed a rosary before the kicked me out at closing time. I was really amazed how the Pieta was more beautiful in person than in picture (usually pictures do pretty darn good justice to art, and the real things all that much better). But I guess it's also the setting it's in that makes a huge difference.

After the basilica I bumped into a German lady, who I helped get a ticket (which was lucky because it seemed they were closed). And then wandered down the via del conciliazione where we went into another church (where mass was ending) that had another Nativity scene (these things are popular in this city! Of course it helps to have a church on every block). Afterwards I road the bus to the Termini (transit terminal), where I ate dinner for six euro (8 if you include the tip I gave) and then headed home.

(This was my six euro dinner, not pictured was an espresso)

The outside mosaics are lit up at st. Mary Major during the night... they were beautiful to behold.

So all in all, it's been a good day... lots of cool things, and lots of stuff I've done... tomorrow's agenda, pop in to see Papa B (Benedict the xvi), get a train/plane/bus ticket to Bosnia, and check out the coliseum... maybe also St. John Lateran, St. Paul outside the walls, and possibly The Sacred Cross, but I might save those for my return trip).

Keep sending those prayers... and well wishes.

Christmas Day

(in CDG airport, paris)

So today I got into europe, after my initial excitement I've become more and more scared that this isn't going to work out...

(MY Christmas tree at Charles De Gaulle Airport... Lots of people liked it, so they're sitting around it as we all wait for the boarding call)

that I'll just be wasting time in foreign lands that I could be using to do something useful back home... that what I'm searching for is not to be found here, but maybe at home or maybe not at all... I'm struggling with fear, and it doesnt help that I'm tired and my day consisted of searching for a hostel, not getting to st. peters, and getting lost and walking around the whole city (pretty much the whole city in a spiral)

So encouraging words are welcome...

Pictures of me leaving NYC

Waiting at the air train for JFK... I think I was talking to my sister Jennifer on the phone...

On the air train
At JFK
Waiting on the concourse, plugged in, for my flight to france.

I'm a fool... I know it. And I apologise to the world for having to deal with me.

414pm 12/24/06 I'm stepping out in faith. Trusting a God I struggled believing in just weeks ago. Trusting that the same man who brought me immediate peace when in pain and tears I cried out will hear my life as a confession of faith. Will hear my step as trust. I'm doing something no sane man would do... I'm crazy, but I'm crazy because I'm tired of the mediocre promises the world uses as substitutes for my dreams. I may dream, I may sound insane, but those dreams exist! Those dreams must come true! God is just that fantastic.
419pm



523pm 12/24/06
I am here. I am going. And the world is different. 524



538pm
I sit here in the concourse, excited and nervous. A tint of sadness claims my last moments. My last moments in this Chapter. I see the half blank page leading to the next chapter, numbered 57. A 57 that written in bold black denotes the end of the last and beginning of a new... to bad I can't see how thick the book remains, or imagine the plot. It's obscured by the wood fiber of my life... obscured by the moments that sustain me and the song I write on the page with my life.

Distant and yet just around the corner of a page. A new page that hangs with more excitement and sorrow than I can recall ever knowing. It's over. It's begun. It's my life, and only One knows the fulness of my poetry. I'm just the cursor, responding to creation and correction.

My life.

---
This seems the single most momentous occaision of my life, one that should be celebrated in black garments, auld lang syne, and joyous songs.

What's going to happen? How will I survive, what will change, what won't? Will I be healed? Will I still be hated? The questions like the last seem to fall off now, unimportant. What does it matter if I'm hated? I'll love them nonetheless.

My heart is turned to them for eternity, my arms ready to help in any way I can. All I can do is be myself and offer all I am. If I'm hated. Then I deserve it. I'm a horrible friend who is too ignorant to see what people need if it's different than my own. I'm self centered always looking for what will bring me Joy, me happiness, me pleasure, me hope. I'm a human who appears to my own eyes as one of the single weakest humans ever. I want to give joy, but I bring pain and sorrow. I want to bring love, but I instead bring venom. I want to do well, but I break down. I'm broken, undeserving of the gifts I've been given in college, in life. Someone else, ANYONE else could do better than I. I'm emotionally needy, unstable and desperate. Without support, I fall, hard and fast. I'm completely dependendant upon others... completely needing others to survive. And completely naive, to believe that a God would exist, and that He would care about me enough to protect, defend, provide and vivify me.

I'm naive, I'm broken, I'm weak, I'm evil.
But I trust in His promise.
I trust in His guidance.
I trust in His patience.
I trust in Him.
And I'm stupid enough to believe that He wants me.
551pm




Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne



The song seems almost a prayer to me... maybe it is.
614pm

HARLEM

Harlem
1233pm 12/23/06
There are things here you don't see anywhere else in manhattan... Drug deals occur constantly around me between guys who'd rather not kill but would if they feel threatened and the motley of addicts that need a fix. Keep your eyes down, play dumb or act as if they don't exist. A guy got his throat slashed the other day right outside the subway... Inconvienient for me as I was trying to get in as the cops and medics swarmmed. Traffic was probably tied up for an hour as a bus stopped in mid intersection in response to the congregation of emergency vehicles... I don't know, I just crossed the street and went underground. People scam businessmen trying to make a few bucks, or maybe they're right the guy ripped him off... Who knows? I just wanted to use the atm, when the yelling started and I got stuck inside a volitile room... Can't breathe, must leave... Door blocked by yelling guy... Times like these that colour matters... Well at least I'm not white.
1245

Trip

So my tentative trip is above... crazy ain't it... yeah I really have no idea of what's going to happen... but I've got to go... (I forgot to finish posting this yesterday 12/21/06 8:19 PM)