I'm a fool... I know it. And I apologise to the world for having to deal with me.

414pm 12/24/06 I'm stepping out in faith. Trusting a God I struggled believing in just weeks ago. Trusting that the same man who brought me immediate peace when in pain and tears I cried out will hear my life as a confession of faith. Will hear my step as trust. I'm doing something no sane man would do... I'm crazy, but I'm crazy because I'm tired of the mediocre promises the world uses as substitutes for my dreams. I may dream, I may sound insane, but those dreams exist! Those dreams must come true! God is just that fantastic.
419pm



523pm 12/24/06
I am here. I am going. And the world is different. 524



538pm
I sit here in the concourse, excited and nervous. A tint of sadness claims my last moments. My last moments in this Chapter. I see the half blank page leading to the next chapter, numbered 57. A 57 that written in bold black denotes the end of the last and beginning of a new... to bad I can't see how thick the book remains, or imagine the plot. It's obscured by the wood fiber of my life... obscured by the moments that sustain me and the song I write on the page with my life.

Distant and yet just around the corner of a page. A new page that hangs with more excitement and sorrow than I can recall ever knowing. It's over. It's begun. It's my life, and only One knows the fulness of my poetry. I'm just the cursor, responding to creation and correction.

My life.

---
This seems the single most momentous occaision of my life, one that should be celebrated in black garments, auld lang syne, and joyous songs.

What's going to happen? How will I survive, what will change, what won't? Will I be healed? Will I still be hated? The questions like the last seem to fall off now, unimportant. What does it matter if I'm hated? I'll love them nonetheless.

My heart is turned to them for eternity, my arms ready to help in any way I can. All I can do is be myself and offer all I am. If I'm hated. Then I deserve it. I'm a horrible friend who is too ignorant to see what people need if it's different than my own. I'm self centered always looking for what will bring me Joy, me happiness, me pleasure, me hope. I'm a human who appears to my own eyes as one of the single weakest humans ever. I want to give joy, but I bring pain and sorrow. I want to bring love, but I instead bring venom. I want to do well, but I break down. I'm broken, undeserving of the gifts I've been given in college, in life. Someone else, ANYONE else could do better than I. I'm emotionally needy, unstable and desperate. Without support, I fall, hard and fast. I'm completely dependendant upon others... completely needing others to survive. And completely naive, to believe that a God would exist, and that He would care about me enough to protect, defend, provide and vivify me.

I'm naive, I'm broken, I'm weak, I'm evil.
But I trust in His promise.
I trust in His guidance.
I trust in His patience.
I trust in Him.
And I'm stupid enough to believe that He wants me.
551pm




Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne



The song seems almost a prayer to me... maybe it is.
614pm