Tonight
So I'm really not sure why, but I'm feeling incredible peace right now, still my heart has that twang of strain, but the peace is over-ridding... it's sorrta nice. So things are looking up and up... I had a call from Christy(a new friend) today, went to prayer(where for the first time in a while I realised I was acutally "in" prayer! (and not just praying)), had a good conversation with Sisto over coffee at starbucks (yeah its crazy but it was really nice) met an amazing woman who served coffee and gave me and Sisto free seconds (she's a friend of his), and generally had a good day! Not to mention MEGAN! Who is perhaps my most faithful friend who's been listening to me whine for weeks now, but is always, ALWAYS there when I need someone to talk to. Today by far was the happiest day I've had in weeks, and though I'm still struggling with finding peace, I feel it is just around the corner, despite the grand mountains I still have yet to climb to be fully free.
A beautiful scene downtown on a street I've never been on... it's amazing how finding new places with friends can give a sense of life and hope to a city that felt so dead to me.
Sisto and I at Starbucks... we bumped into each other after each of us had attended mass at two different churches... (He happened to stumble into St. Franks, and I was at Holy innocents only a few blocks apart)... I happened to come upon him while I was chatting on the phone to Christy, and was shocked to find him. But it was a good night, a very good night of guys talking.
One of the mosaics in the subway... it's friggin cool. I love it!
I know how twisted my heart is, how hurt it is, and how I must struggle each and every day to overcome this, struggling to search out God... but today in prayer I came across this: "the Lord does not delay his promise, as some regard 'delay,' but he is patient with you, not wishing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (2 peter 3:8-10) previously I would never have known what the heck it was talking about, but in my recent desperation for God, I'm catching on... I've been crying out to God in my pain why doesn't fulfill His promises... why he refuses to answer my prayers... but I think I might understand... if He did so quickly, I'd go back to the same sins, the same struggles the same darknesses, He wants to answer, He wants to be there (and He is), but He wants me to realise how much I need Him... else my sin is for naught. It's interesting to me that the apparent delay in His promise is tied to my repentance in the verse... I've understood this previously, but never thought it was written anywhere... and it's comforting to know that it is... which gives me hope that I'm not on the wrong path.
I have a HUGE way to go, but that way is seeking Him out... He MUST exist, He must. Even if I don't feel Him right now, or think I know Him or even doubt my belief, He must be there... there's just too much peace that has been coming in the last few days with adoration for Him not to be there in the Eucharist. Business as usual would never bring that much peace that fast... I can't wait till I see Him again. Because then I'll know my heart is healed. And yet despite my hope, I still doubt, but my doubt is focused on finding Him. And tons of scriptures have been coming up in prayer about waiting on his coming and the promise of finding Him despite the apparent darkness...
I think it odd that I'm actually going through and Advent in my life during Advent... but God's timing is perfect. perfect!
EVEN IF IT HURTS SO SO SO MUCH!
