NYC... Pshaw.

so I'm all a jumble lately, with random thoughts that I thought had been put out of my mind and the queerness of moving/maybe not moving to NYC or another city.

I have until tomorrow or so to make a final decision on the whole thing... thats when I register for classes, which is something I should have been able to do earlier, but due to a switch concerning my social security number and the repeated forgetfulness of the director of the exchange at Hunter, my earlier attempts failed. Yesterday I spent getting paperwork done, and changing my ssn from some random number, that didnt even match mine in any way, to my actual. I also tried registering but had the pleasant surprise of being unable to, because of the whole deal. But tomorrow I can register. Praise God.

That is assuming that I decide it best, I'm leaning more and more into staying, though several things still seem a bit out of place. I do expect I'll stay, but I'm not going to say I'm staying until later.

yes, so its crazy.

I met some of the CFRs I may soon be working with yesterday, and I'm going to two of their events saturday, one during the day, and one at night (the Catholic Underground concert). They are really amazing men (and volunteers). And they were really happy to see me.

Crazy.

We also ate at Serendipity today, yes the place from the movie, they make an amazing drink (big enough for three people) called a frozen hot chocolate.

I'd post pictures, but alas, I am unable to get to a computer that I could connect with my camera (same reason I haven't posted on faithorbust.blogspot.com much lately).

anyhow, love you all, keep my housing in prayer.

Ciao!

The Missing picture

Its the end? What?

(there is supposed to be a picture here, but the comps aren't cooperating and my friend leaves tomorrow morning so I'm jetting... loves you all.)

So I have about a week left and it's really getting to me already.

Luckily, one of my friends will be escorting us to Delhi on the train and everything, Zoe has been here with us since we began, and she's leaving the same time (and yes I have been misprounouncing her name for the past 3 months... its not Soh-E it's Zo-e) ... so it's really nice... its a bit depressing to abruptly leave all your friends, so its nice to have a weaning of sorts.

Everything is now taking on the tint of "this maybe the last time"... that bittersweetness that makes one cherish moments that otherwise would be mundane.

Its funny how watching T.V. even has become a bittersweet thing... its one of the last times I'll be with these people...

Tearful goodbyes

I've never been one for good byes. Ask my NET team about them, and I'm sure they'll tell you how cold I was about the deal. Even from the first day we met, I told them I'd probably not expect to talk to them again, save once a year or so. Which in most cases (if not all right now) is actually the fact. I've never been one for sentimentalism or the such.

But over the last few years, I've met more and more people that I've wanted to let into my life. And many of them I've had to say good bye to. I find it hard, sorrowful, tearful, sad.

Some of them I know I'll see again (I miss Louisiana SOOOOOO much!) and some I just hope to see again. The second are the ones that I've met here. Why don't I know I'll see them again?

I'm in Kolkata, and I'm leaving here too. Few of my friends are staying, and rarer yet are those that plan to be here in two years. In Louisiana, I just have to go to one place to find all my loved ones. For Kolkata, I have to hunt them down and throw a net over them, and then hope they don't spoil while I gather everyone else.

The Kolkata summer of 2006 is something that will never be played again. My friends even if we do keep in contact with, will never all be in the same place (unless I die, then I hope they all come to my funeral).

I'm not so sure I like this new warmth in my heart. It sorrta hurts, alot.
(7:40am July 31, 2006)

I've had a lot of time to think...

(those are bed bug bites on my head)

These past few weeks, I've had an inordinate amount of time to think and pray... and I've learned about myself in ways I never knew I would. Here are a few things that I'm willing to share ;-)

The people that annoy us the most, annoy us because they are the very mirrors of the things we hate about ourselves. The very things we struggle with are incarnate in them. There is only one rare exception to this, and that's when they display characteristics that we desire to have, but lack and their virtue convicts us of our failure to be virtuous.

Its an odd situation, but a person will not annoy you UNLESS there is something about them that sheds light upon your own struggles.

Due to this insight, which was at first a seed of a thought that was then fed by my spiritual director to a budding, I realised many things about my own struggles. How I hate people who teach me things, I hate people who order others around, I hate people who always have some reply to everything I say, I hate people who bring attention to themselves, I hate people who lead without humility and care. But I really learned that I really don't hate that person, but the source of the reflection, myself. I hate that I'm not as virtuous as I had hoped I would be by now. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate that I'm not holy.

This insight has helped me to begin to see where I need to change and how I need to do that. I just pray and hope that God will bring to fruition this that I know I can't do.

Hmm ( I think I've used this title before, but I think its a good one.)

(A place setting with our water urn and hand washing sink in the background)

So I'm back and life is about the same as it was. I'm excited. I'm dulled. I'm alive. I'm dead.

Sometimes you just can't capture emotion with words, or the complexities of the movements in a soul.

Lets just say I'm blessed.

(I totally missed this shot)

I had only 145 emails when I got back from my trip to the Father's house on a "Come and See". Which was nice because it only took two hours to go through. Today I got something that I didn't really expect to read... an email with a guy I had been talking with asking me to consider working in Ireland... I had earlier discerned it, and God told me that I'm supposed to be in NYC, but on the off chance that God wants to change His mind, I'll pray about it.

But an odd sense of peace is about my soul... and I expect God is assuring me that NYC is where I need to be. Even though in a way I'm terrified. But... on the other hand, after this past week, I think a year of ministry would do me good... in fact I think it would be a crucible that would greatly purify me. A cross that when I look back I was unwilling (and unable even) to bear when I went on NET.

Its amazing the things that come about in your soul when you sit with Christ for 3+ hours a day.

Talk is cheap

Ever hear yourself talk and wonder what the heck you're saying other than "me"?

I hear myself often and wonder why I even bother opening my mouth all the time.

"The simplest of all love songs I want to bring to you,
so I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with you."

(From Let My Words Be Few by Matt and Beth Redman)

Oft-times a haircut means a change in a person...

and sometimes the saying is right.

I made a vow and I cut my hair. Go figure. Acts 18 and Numbers 6 explain a little about the haircut... though its not for the same reasons (perhaps similar, but not exactly).

My hair just after my last shower with it... (I'm wearing a garland because somebody had a birthday at the computer store, and the owner bought everyone, circa 20 people, garlands to celebrate).
The photographer for the event, Renata the Croat. (They aparently don't call themselves Croatian or Croat, but Some word with an 'H'). (She's also on shore leave from the Hospital... they wouldn't let her out because they want to make more money... so she got a day pass...)
The Butcher and Victim... ;-)
Prep work...
The first cut.
And...
The final product.
A proud Sister and Stylist.
A group in awe at the change.

A well deserved meal (it wasn't as good as the Afghani Chicken, but still better than most of the food I've been eating lately).

Oh and Hettie's a Lush.

By the way I grabed a hair band as I was leaving for dinner and had to make a conscious effort to put it down, which didn't work until I argued to myself that my hair was cut and thus didn't need it. Also, I miss the easy access to floss.