First Spring Semester Snow!

So today was the first snow of spring semester...

last year there was a ton, this year much less so far.

A year ago I ventured forth to Iowa with hopes and reservations, and still a year later I stand around wondering what brought me here. Was it really the girl? Or was it something more...? This last few weeks have seemed to suggest that it was something else that Someone else had planned... I know not what... perhaps its more training for the journey, more subtle chiselling at my soul... and perhaps its more... I have hope still, but my reservations are slowly being dropped. My soul is slowy growing back to the places it used to be, slowly healing to the man I remember, but not the same man... a man wiser, humbler, more aware, and slowly learning to listen to the passage that brought me back to Iowa last semester...

Micah 7:5
Put no trust in a friend, have no confidence in a companion;
Against her who lies in your bosom guard the portals of your mouth.

Slowly learning but hopefully learning nonetheless.

My voice revisited...

So I orginally had the following in word format, but just after I printed it the file was corrupted... luckily I have a SCANNER!!!!! so I was able to scan it... This originally started out as a rehash of the my voice project for my creative non-fiction class... but then it turned into this... this is two of the three paragraphs... the third is not yet complete (third of an anticipated 20+) not that these two paragraphs are finished, but they are basically complete...

YAY! COMPUTER!

So I am finishing up migrating my computer to two new hard drives... After break I brought up an 8GB HD to complement my 40GB HD for extra space, but then I bought a 150 GB at a great deal and then I found an amazing deal on a 250 GB HD... so I traded my 48GBs for my now whopping 400GBs! YAY!

The biggest reason I bought my main HD (the 150) is for stability... I've been having alot of problems with the old HD, so I hope that the new HD wont have the stability problems... and I bought the 250 as a storage/backup drive... cause it was an amazing 50$!

So I had to also buy Windows XP... whcih was 80$ bring up my total to 180$ for new computer parts... but if this thing finally works like a good little computer I'll be happy... and it'll be worth every penny... I used to make about 10$ an hour as a computer consultant... and last semester I put in well over 50 hours... so if this semester my purchases can avoid that work load it'll be worth its weight in gold... and cheaper than my labour!

still a couple things to move over... but most is done!

Biking

So today We went to two spinning classes to start off our training for the summer... we were also supposed to have a meeting about it, but not everyone was available, so I postponed it.

But the classes were good... I pushed myself in both, and especially in the second... Brad's shoe flew out of his clipless pedals a few times, because it was so loose, and I chuckled... only to have mine fly out when we were sprinting against each other... after the second class we did abs and I have a new found respect for women... I was trying to do some of the techniques only to have my back give out in sheer pain... so I either pushed too hard earlier or am just a wuss... I'm taking the second one to be most probable.

But our summer plans are coming along... we have a Dubuque contact as an addition to the group, so we should be able to raise even more money. We're all so excited! It's going to ROCK!

Loras

So I just got an email last night (it was sent yesterday afternoon) that if I had gotten a week and a half ago would have been enough for me to say goodbye to ISU... they guarenteed me $9.ooo minimum in scholarships. which means it would have been $9.000 less than going to ISU and I wouldn't have to be a Resident Assistant. They said I could still come for the spring, but the problem is that if I leave ISU now, I have a 25% penalty fee. Which is $1.300 Hmm...

Maybe I'll have to rethink this... plus I'd be losing my CA benefits (which I might lose anyways...)

I think I'm going to work this one out...

Maybe I will go after all.

class

ah, the beginning of class... this is sure to be interesting... I have to now figure out what classes to take and which to drop... :-)

currently I'm in architecture, physics, poli sci, philosophy, english and religious studies classes... which is basically my BLS degree (minus the english). I have to decide between taking 6, 5 or 4 classes also...

I also have to return 25lbs of books tomorrow... yay fun.

Why did I talk myself out of quitting?

I could be rested, relaxed and prepared for school! And at a retreat right now... but no.

I'm just wondering if I'll quit sometime soon, andI'm trying to assess if I really want to be CA, now that I'm back..

So I decided last night...

An email to my boss:

This has been really agonizing for me to discern, but I feel I have to resign.

What paperwork do I need to do? What do I need to do with housing?

I'll be up there the fourth still to move my stuff into the storage room and
clean out the rest of the room, if thats okay?

Sorry this took so long to figure out.

God bless and keep you!
Edward
Mortem tuam annuntiamus. Domine, et tuam resurrectionem confitemur, donec venias.

as I finished up the email, and prepared to press send, I realised how relieved I was, and how excited I was for the freedom... and decided to give my mind one more chance to change.

So I played the Axis and Allies computer game... which by the way has really really bad AI...

Afterwards, I began to wonder why I wanted to quit... and what I would need to do to replace being a CA... so I made an excel file with all my financial possibilities...
below is a part of the file...


I figured that I'd have to work 30 hours at a job that pays 8$ an hour to even out the whole situation... and if I chose to work only 20 hours as a CA... and made that comittment... I would end up better for the bargin (cause I could also work 10 hours somewhere else ;-) )

So I decided to be an average CA... no more giving it my all. I can't afford it... its too stressful and not worth it. So my house will have to figure out how to self govern or ...?

I guess I'm being taught moderation... Praise God. I'm a bit upset though, because I was invited by a few of my friends to go to Youth 2000 and I really need a retreat... but Kat was going to be there so it would have been awkward trying to evade her.

I guess I'll have to find another retreat to go on... :-\ I really wanted to go on this one though...

I'm humbled by your generosity, and saddened by my ingratitude. Thank you, Lord.

Amazing Grace

Just when I think prayers take time to be answered... God answers mine like lightning... Granting me both understanding and peace, in a time of great turmoil.

Glorious and Praiseworthy is HE!

Things my heart was previously hardened to have now been let in by His grace... things that convict me and will help me to grow for years to come... things that need fixin and things that need lovin...

Praise the Lord God Almighty!

Thank you for the friends you've given me... thank you for your wonders and for your mercy.

The pain is still there... but so is peace. :-)

Yay God!

The first lights of dawn

I think that I'm beginning to see the light of freedom... last night I realised two things, and they are already helping me to be set free.

Brave

Brave
(Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)
For Charlie, who rearranged my fearful heart.

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now, it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I’m spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say your name
Just your name and I’m ready to jump
Even ready to fall…
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I’ve never known a fire that didn’t begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me, that changes everything

©2005 Birdwing Music / Birdboy Songs (ASCAP), admin. by EMI CMG Publishing / Sony/ATV Songs LLC / JohnnyO Music (BMI)
From: http://www.nicholenordeman.com/members/lyrics.aspx

There is no woman for me

I've been thinking... I don't think my "wife" exists now. The woman I've loved for so long seems to fail what I need... she's neither radical in her faith, nor wanting to... she wants only comfort, ease. She's unwilling to step out and trust that God will provide... unwilling to accept that that's the way everyone should be. Unwilling to have the metanoia, the radical shift, the leap of faith required to be a holy one. I want to be a holy one, and I can't get there if I compromise...

She's the closest and most promising candidate, yet she fails and doesn't care. (if she does, she's never cared enough about me to share it.)

God's given me this desire for a beautiful woman who wants to be a saint... why? when even he knows that no woman would ever satisfy that? There's only one I know... and she bore the saviour. She didn't say to God "I don't think you could provide for a family" she said "I trust in you, let Your will be done."

She lived radically... she loved radically... everything I'm doubting anywoman can do, when the very example God sent me and told be with doesn't care, doesn't ...

Lord, you've given me this desire, you've told me what you want... why are you putting me through this? Why are you letting my heart be torn so much? How could I be so foolish as to give her my heart. Why did I even bother? Why do I obey you when it causes me so much pain?

If cursing her or you would help, I would curse, at least then I could release this pain... but cursing would only curse myself, and greater pain would follow.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. She doesn't care. So talking doesn't help... she doesn't hurt.
She must never have loved me the way I love her.

And that hurts even more. Wondering when her heart went cold... how long ago?

Its funny, cause just when her family is more open to me, she closes off.

I have little doubt its from her friends... she values them much more than me... she has, since I encouraged her to meet them. It feels like she's turned them into idols... trusting their thoughts over God. But I don't know, because she has never opened up to me and told me her thoughts, told me what motivates her, she's never had a relationship with me since they came into the picture. She never put forth the effort she said she would... she's never made true on her promises, on the compromises we made. She'd ask me to a concert and then uninvite me because its now a girl thing. She did that for several things. She treats me like an expendable fringe friend, even when we dated. And she's the one YOU told me to pursue.

She wonders why I get so frustrated with her... when all I've wanted was to get to know her, she hasn't let me in.

I'm tired of compromise.

A search for excellence is an inadequate approach to God, leaving us vulnerable to snare after snare. Our only hope is obedience.
Fred Stoeker

Most people see excellence as something to be attained, a goal in itself, the comfortable place where they've gone beyond what others do, and feel that's enough.

The I'm a good person syndrome that permits them to not seek perfection, that permits them not to be RADICAL.

My faith has always been radical, I've always wanted perfection, but I've surrounded myself with people that compromise, and slowly that's become what I've desired, as I've desired their friendship. But enough is enough! My Lord was radical, and so must I be. Perfection is my goal, and nothing must stand in the way.

No compromise, for the sake of someone else's "happiness" is worth my soul, or theirs, regardless of what they think...

I'm done being an agent of Satan... I'm done with the compromise of excellence... I want the radical perfection of Christ, and obedience to His will.

lately

I've been realising that the reason I've met so many women is not just because I want to find what I want in a wife, but because I have a void that I want filled, a void I'm afraid to look at, or bear. A void that was created by me emptying myself out to Kat, by having a relationship that I expected to go much further.

I need to be careful that I don't fill it with something I don't want, and I need to ensure it is not what drives me to meet others. And I need to bring my heart back to the place where it's a peace, back to where a woman can not hurt me as easily as she can... back to the place that provides the best view of choosing a wife. Back to the place where I can choose which woman I will give my heart, the power to hurt me, and know that she will guard that possession with all her life, willing to go beyond herself to avoid hurting me, willing to love me.

How does one speak

to a person so hard hearted so illogical that the person has complete faith in their own reason? that no one can show how blind he is even to things as simple as philosophy? to things as simple as the idea that the world can not solely be explained by science... a person so deranged that to him science is all there is in the world, and science can explain everything? a blindness that refutes all argumentation as trash that doesnt matter? a blindness that accepts a metaphysical stance, but denies metaphysics? God knows I'm blind, God knows I'm a sinner... and I know that I have weakness beyond belief, but how does one speak to a person so full of themselves that they are right, and you are talking nonsense?

I don't know what to say

one of my friends is the leader of a group called "Atheist Agenda" which would be best described as a militant and evangelical student group.

Aparently his group has held a "smut for smut" which exchanges porn for bibles...

and he plans to do something horrendous at the same time as the pro-life group will be holding their display at UTSA, though I disagree with the cut up fetuses that the group will display photos of, and think that's itself a violence to humanity, I am even more horrified and troubled by what his group will do... please pray that his plans fall through... and pray for his conversion... it saddens my heart greatly... and its so offensive that I will not write specifics about it. It's most likely legal, but still absolutely horrid, distasteful, and painful to bear.

Christmas Game night

so we have this tradition in my family that we play games every christmas night with guys vs girls...

and many many times the girls have lost... horribly... and the guys have yet to lose

until this one...
well sorta

In one game, the guys were halfway to the end when the girls got to the final phase, but the guys caught up to only lose by one turn... (one of the guys forgot that pistachio starts with a P...) (it was cranium turbo edition)

so we lost one game
then we dominated the second...
Mad gab

so the guys have still yet to lose a game night
and our complete domination is now slightly compromised.

Gah... it was all because they had a smart girl this time... one of my cousin's friends. Yah, thats it... ;-)

so I get this alot...

you're not stable enough for the future, you'd not be a good husband because you're not ambitious enough, I don't think you could provide for a family.

and my constant reply has been, but I trust God, and will be faithful to his call...

yet they don't believe me. they don't trust God enough or at least trust that I trust God enough to be faithful... and it frustrates me to no end... a holy woman telling me that being faithful and trusting in God is not enough... its painful to me, as I frankly love this woman very much, and that she is unwilling to see that all you need is faith in God, and cooperate with His will and everything will be perfectly okay... she just doesnt trust enough. She still thinks she has to be in control, she has to ensure her happiness, regardless of what God wants, she knows what's best. (and by extension anyone who is worth anything must always be in control of their life... must always ensure their own happiness, regardless of God's will, because as the argument goes, God wants us to be happy... my reply being yes, yes He does, but only He knows what will make us happy, we don't always see clearly, so we must trust and be faithful.)

She I doubt would recognise this in herself, but that's part of the pain... she's unwilling to be introspective about her motivations... unwilling to care... getting caught up in the social groups that she's part of, either her family or friends. and incorporating their views into hers without much criticism or discernment.

The other day I was reading and I fell across this quote, by one of her favourite Saints (to be).

"I do not have to be successful, I have to be faithful." ~Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

Perhaps Theresa C can work a miracle for me...

I'm not fully in control of my life, and I'm happier that way... much less to worry about, but its also led to much more heartache... heartache I wish could have been avoided, pain I wish I never had experienced, as it seemed like the pain of banging my head repeatedly against a wall of thorns... seemingly going nowhere. BUT I know it was God's will that I continued and gave every chance, gave my whole, though I wish/wished so much that she would have given everything as well, instead of being so fearful of trusting God, so fearful of letting go of her "happiness" in favour of His happiness... who knows if it would have ended any later or earlier, but I'm sure it would have ended better and the pain and frustration would have been much less.

Break!

So I'm finally heading home! And break sweet break is here!
I took me forever to get done with classes (finished a paper at like 4am saturday)
so now I get to go to the airport and wait for 5 hours :-/
good thing I have a few books I wanted to read.

Leaving on a jet plane...?

The following is from sunday after/during mass
----------
Thoughts in mass:

"I have given my best and it has destroyed me.

Kat and I are over, my grades in shambles, (is) my lord Calling (?)

Is the prophecy being complete,
Are you aiding my discernment?
I cry in mass wondering if this is my last?
Relieved that my heart is free."

Lord, I believe you are talking to me right now... speak more clearly, if you want me to leave, I've given you a path I will abide by. Make it happen if you want me to leave. Otherwise, I will stay, though I will also resign.
1047am 12.11.5
-----
brief explanation:
I came back up to iowa to complete what God had called me to, and now it might be completed.
And perhaps God is calling me back to Lousiana.