lately

I've been realising that the reason I've met so many women is not just because I want to find what I want in a wife, but because I have a void that I want filled, a void I'm afraid to look at, or bear. A void that was created by me emptying myself out to Kat, by having a relationship that I expected to go much further.

I need to be careful that I don't fill it with something I don't want, and I need to ensure it is not what drives me to meet others. And I need to bring my heart back to the place where it's a peace, back to where a woman can not hurt me as easily as she can... back to the place that provides the best view of choosing a wife. Back to the place where I can choose which woman I will give my heart, the power to hurt me, and know that she will guard that possession with all her life, willing to go beyond herself to avoid hurting me, willing to love me.