There is no woman for me

I've been thinking... I don't think my "wife" exists now. The woman I've loved for so long seems to fail what I need... she's neither radical in her faith, nor wanting to... she wants only comfort, ease. She's unwilling to step out and trust that God will provide... unwilling to accept that that's the way everyone should be. Unwilling to have the metanoia, the radical shift, the leap of faith required to be a holy one. I want to be a holy one, and I can't get there if I compromise...

She's the closest and most promising candidate, yet she fails and doesn't care. (if she does, she's never cared enough about me to share it.)

God's given me this desire for a beautiful woman who wants to be a saint... why? when even he knows that no woman would ever satisfy that? There's only one I know... and she bore the saviour. She didn't say to God "I don't think you could provide for a family" she said "I trust in you, let Your will be done."

She lived radically... she loved radically... everything I'm doubting anywoman can do, when the very example God sent me and told be with doesn't care, doesn't ...

Lord, you've given me this desire, you've told me what you want... why are you putting me through this? Why are you letting my heart be torn so much? How could I be so foolish as to give her my heart. Why did I even bother? Why do I obey you when it causes me so much pain?

If cursing her or you would help, I would curse, at least then I could release this pain... but cursing would only curse myself, and greater pain would follow.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. She doesn't care. So talking doesn't help... she doesn't hurt.
She must never have loved me the way I love her.

And that hurts even more. Wondering when her heart went cold... how long ago?

Its funny, cause just when her family is more open to me, she closes off.

I have little doubt its from her friends... she values them much more than me... she has, since I encouraged her to meet them. It feels like she's turned them into idols... trusting their thoughts over God. But I don't know, because she has never opened up to me and told me her thoughts, told me what motivates her, she's never had a relationship with me since they came into the picture. She never put forth the effort she said she would... she's never made true on her promises, on the compromises we made. She'd ask me to a concert and then uninvite me because its now a girl thing. She did that for several things. She treats me like an expendable fringe friend, even when we dated. And she's the one YOU told me to pursue.

She wonders why I get so frustrated with her... when all I've wanted was to get to know her, she hasn't let me in.