Whew... so I got my test back today and I was one point away from a B! I got a C... then while he was reviewing it in the class, I noticed that he marked one of my questions wrong!
so I got TWO points! yay! I now have a B!
Now got to go study for major test tomorrow (that I got postponed from last week) in a class I have another test in Friday! GAH!
So last night I took a "night away" from the dorm, permitting me to break my otherwise normal 3am curfew. (I only get 12 nights away a semester) so in doing so I got to go to ADORATION for FOUR HOURS!!! YAY!!!!
I love Jesus in the Eucharist... I can't say why other than He draws me there.
I read something recently about how without adoration we can not live... so Adoration (capital A) is a worthy place to start!
I also got to go to Mass at noon, so that was really really nice!
Recently a few friends have asked me to start a Charismatic Prayer Group... I'm praying about it, and I'm currently unsuer of what my role should be in regards to bringing about God's will... am I to direct them to others or am I to lead? I don't know if I have the time to lead... so I'm praying for God's will to be EVIDENT! And I've challenged Him to place His will before my eyes.
I think I'm going to start midnight adoration runs everynight :-)
YAY! Late nights with JESUS! I miss them so!
then twelve hours later!
MASS!!
kat and I are done.
done period.
no might bes or maybes or trying to figure outs...
its over...
and it hurts, as I really want her beside me, comforting, loving me.
I want her... but it can't any longer be.
this past week I got gen 24 as a scripture... and for the first time I felt God was telling me I could let go of Kat... that he'd be okay with it.
So I feel I've run the race, and ran it hard, doing as he's asked all along the way... and now I'm left with the "you can quit the race, you're too hurt" option that I felt I had to take.
Its so odd to put your whole heart into something expecting that it'll take you somewhere great... only to end up sitting on the sideline with a gaping wound. One that will heal, but one you hoped would go away and let you finish the race.
He also told me awhile back that the reason I was to pursue her at the time was to love him more... maybe I have... maybe I do.
Perhaps this was one of those obedience moments where he tells you to go one way, giving you a beautiful, sweet goal, just to ask you to be obedient and turn away when he asks, and to go in a different direction.
I can't imagine how weirder it will be when every night I don't talk to my balcherdove... when every day doesn't end with a prayer with the woman I love... with the sweet gentle darling I care for. I can't imagine not seeing her for a month or perhaps more... its so weird.
I love you Jesus, guide us. Guide me.
332
11.5
is this the end?
is this the last moment? the moment I broke? I gave, I'm done?
it hurts, it sucks it hurts...
I wish it didn'nt have to be...
I wish it otherwise.
i wish I was not fighting what I feel I shoudl do, just to do what I feel I must.
why is she the way she is?
335
So this is a prayer of mine that is now published!!! I can now be officially CITED! YAY!!!! (Citation follows the prayer... OF COURSE!!!)
:-D
My hands, my feet, and my breath: words and body,
my very life,
my soul, my heart, and my love,
these I surrender.
Should my path grow dark, the night long, the terrors close,
should my heart be shattered, my mind lost, my very body torn,
I vow, I choose, I know,
I will follow
you, my glorious Lord, God and King.
To your invitation, I cry out, YES!
And I live
for you.
Alonzo, E. (2005) "Prayer of Hope" Teen Prayers by Teens.
So... I won an award for
"CA of the Month" (resident assistant of the month)
And my academic project "Study Sundays" also won an award.
"for best Academic intiative"
Both awards were campus wide for september.
Then last night I won bingo five times (three in a row, two separately) I won four DVDs, a shirt and a blanket. I gave away one of the DVDs for a cupcake (since I didnt want it and people kept getting mad that I was winning so much).
Then I slept through my classes today (I took a sleeping pill that was supposed to make me sleep 8 hours... it lasted 12-13 hours.) So that SUCKs.
I was just thinking... that this is the way I felt as a Youth Minister...
could it be that God is calling me to do something else, to devote myself to something else? or simply to be more balanced?
I've had odd offers in my recent years, to lead this or lead that... be part of this big thing... impact peoples lives greatly over here... no come over here!
it's confusing... cause all I want is to BE RESPONSIBLE SOLELY for myself... but he pushes me elsewhere...
Why can't I be a hermit God?
Why must I be force somewhere uncomfortable for me... where I feel so much a failure... why must you place me where I feel this?
I like simplicity... yet you make my life so complex!
For the first time in 2.5 years I'm not going to be on the honors list this semester... wow... it feels so bad... yet partially relieving that I don't have to push... I just have to get by this semester... but I feel so much a failure, if I don't do my best...
and I'm not...
I wonder if its from being a CA or if its being a person without willpower to drive myself to do more than one thing at a time...
if it is being a CA is it worth it? or should I quit next semester to bring my grades back up? or should I risk failing again and possibly messing my grad school application up seriously?
it'd be easier to give up being a CA if I was in texas... I'd not be in such debt... :-
but here... I need it to survive and not be in extraordinary debt when I graduate... so its not so easy to sacrifice for my grades.
GRRRR....
so life is a bit weird now... busy with house activites, and with school... I have a test tomorrow, but I'm not feeling good... I just want to curl up and cry.
Kat and I are still weird... sometimes I get such a strong interior knowledge that we're supposed to get back together... at others, I hear Kat wanting to run far away, at the same time as her wanting me not to date anyone else.
It's really stressful... wanting to love someone so much, who at times seems to want to return it, but mostly doesn't want to show it or acknowledge it, and at other times wants to run far away.
She loves me at one moment, only to freak out the next because of some small mistake that makes her no longer perfect, that she cant deal with.
Why are relationships (even former ones) so difficult on the heart?
On top of that, my GPA is taking a nose dive this semester... as I'm expecting to get all B's... not exactly exciting or desirable.
Gar... on top of that I'm not perfect, though even I would like to be.
This day has been schweet!!!
people left and right telling me happy birthday, making a point to say it! (Even people I've had to document!)
One guy said I was the coolest CA (aka. RA) ever...
I'm really surprised how many people care!
YAY!
(other than that, I did amazingly poor on my test today... gah... this is gonna suck to bring back up!)
So I've gotten alot of people telling me Happy Birthday today(and it's only 430am!) its AMAZING! So many people made a point of stopping by and saying it around midnight! I LOVE RESIDENTS!
Some even posted it on their blog or on facebook!
And I especially love two amazing women on the third floor!
who surprised me with an amazing gift!
So I walk out of my room around 3 or 4 am and find baloons on my door and a sign :-)
And I'm so happy that the girls did this!
Then I wander to the restroom (my reason for leaving my room) and find another poster!
Then after leaving the restroom, I see one on the fire door at the end of the hall
So I decide to grab my camera and go on a hunt!
I found one on the exit towards Oak/Elm!
One on the restroom downstairs
And one on the door towards Barton...
THEN! I notice one in the stairwell going up to the third floor!
And find one on the Girls restroom upstairs
On the fourth floor white board...
In the north stair well between 3rd and 2nd
(yes this is a picture of me with straightened hair)
And finally I discovered that I missed one on my own floor! On the intramurals board!
THANK YOU GIRLS FOR MAKING MY BIRTHDAY START OFF SO AWESOME!!!
YOU GIRLS ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!
so I've been getting cds and packages for a few days, but i've been waiting for this one... Jennifer Knapp Kansas!! finally came in today... one of my all time favourites... its awesome... and I love the simple music complemented by powerful vocals... its amazing... I love it...
I also love all the bike stuff I got two days ago... got a truing stand, a seat, a multi tool, a spoke wrench, a computer and a cadence adapter, a hydrapak and various other goodies... all in all 200$... but ti came in such a small box for that cost... :-( but I guess its all really really really worth it!
Referring to the certified miracle which is required for sainthood, Dziwisz said: "The Holy Father didn't want to hear talk of such things. He would say `If by chance something should happen, God makes miracles, not me. I pray. These are mysteries. Let's not talk of these things.'
"But there were so many miracles which happened during his life," his longtime secretary said, without elaborating.
(http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,167205,00.html)
oh God, bless us with humility... love... and desire for You and Your will.
How much am I ready to claim the good things that happen through me? even if I know it can't possibly be me... and how often do I justify the bad, the dark, the sinful, as okay, something I might as well succumb to?
Johannes, ora pro Nobis!
John Paul's eyes were practically closed during a Mass celebrated at the foot of his bed in the late afternoon of March 31, the account said.
"But at the moment of the consecration, he weakly raised his right hand two times, that is, on the (raising up) of the bread and wine. He made a gesture indicating he was trying to strike his chest during the recitation" of the Lamb of God prayer, the Vatican said.
(http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,169713,00.html)
I'm really excited for this weekend! I get to go out of town to DSM... for a few days... to catch up on class reading and hang out with some friends... it'll be a nice escape... and I get to go out with Kat, Emily and Christina for a bit friday...
otherwise, things are going well... busy busy busy... but I just got a few cds in the mail!!!
Bob Dylan's greatest hits #3
Caedmon's Call Chronicles
and Raze...
Tomorrow I'm expecting
one of my favourite CDS of all time:
Jennifer Knapp Kansas...!
So excited!
just took a test in my ethical theory class...
I think it went well... the essay was half about Aquinas.
still feeling sickish... can't figure out why, the docs did blood work and xrayed my lungs yesterday, and no infection... so the assumption that I pulled out of the doc (they apparently don't like to diagnose) was that it was my asthma (and I added in my mind, and Allergies)... just really bad asthma and allergies.
had a lot of sleep last night and my body still feels sick... maybe it's AAA, Asthma allergies, anxiety... ;-)
c'est la vie... going back to class...
So lately I've been really busy, working on an forming an academic program for the six local houses (and all the suprising politics that comes with that) and being sick... (in addition to school, the rest of my work and friends... who've been dying to see me...
Got my old webpage partially up (not fully functional, but mostly)... http://www.public.iastate.edu/~sirhair/
and otha stuff
:-)
Edward
played midnight ultimate frisbee today... a pick up game that Becky and Bridget called, but ended up being like 10 of my house guys... it was fun... we played with a disc with lights... Ive never seen one but it was fun... playing DG tomorrow wiht some guys... I have FREE TIME now! the last two days I've been stuck in my room... 8a-9p yesterday, and 8a-6p today with lunch brought to us... yay! I'm Free! Got a date with confession tomorrow PRAISE GOD!!!
Devout catholic of the orthodox variety
I neither classify as a “conservative” or “liberal” in the American senses of the words, though many might label me conservative, I thoroughly believe conservativism and liberalism are both perversions of the virtue of justice. One withholds justice due to some idea that “old” ways are right by virtue of being “old” and the other the same, though in regards to “new” ways. I believe that there is a thing such as truth, and one of humanity’s duties is to discover it. Likewise, I believe that once truth is verified, denial of it is cowardice; rejection, insanity; and change of it impossible (though it may be clarified to a greater extent). I believe we all are sinners and fall short of perfection, and because of that we cannot devalue others for a sin different than ours, but we must all the more embrace them in love, and in love recognize when we are obliged to confront their sin and when it is most prudent to not, and offer just your presence. I have many friends who know my beliefs are in union with the Church’s (and most had large misunderstandings about what the Church teaches) and they know I disagree with, and am sorrowed by, their choices when they sin. But most of all they know, despite this disagreement I love and care for them as friends that I would sacrifice much, if not everything for. I am imperfect. I am a sinner. And how ungrateful would I be if I, who have been forgiven so much and had the chasm that separated me from God cast so quickly aside, enforced a chasm between myself and others or withheld forgiveness or belittled someone for their sin.
I'm Back!
At school and ready for the year... I'm a CA this year (community advisor, other schools call it RA, Resident assistant), so I've been moved in... Originally they gave me the keys/room assignment for a girls floor... but they move me to my floor when I was confused by it...
My flight here went well... I choose to get bumped to a later flight, in exchange for some food money and a 300$ voucher (I was considering the free round trip ticket, so I could go visit alaska, but I figured the 300$ ticket would be more useful in the medium run... since it's 100$ to reschedule canceled flights, and I have two canceled right now).
I stayed at Rachels house tuesday night, with her family which was nice and fun... it's always interesting to be with large families, and rather cool too. Then yesterday Becky brought me up to Ames, and we had dinner at Hickory Park(?) which was surpisingly good. After she left I went to walmart to buy some stuff... and found a 5$ beard trimmer! which is cool! because it's 5$!!!
Now I await a beautiful woman to arrive back in Des Moines Saturday!
YAY GOD!
