so weird... so weird.

kat and I are done.
done period.
no might bes or maybes or trying to figure outs...
its over...

and it hurts, as I really want her beside me, comforting, loving me.

I want her... but it can't any longer be.

this past week I got gen 24 as a scripture... and for the first time I felt God was telling me I could let go of Kat... that he'd be okay with it.

So I feel I've run the race, and ran it hard, doing as he's asked all along the way... and now I'm left with the "you can quit the race, you're too hurt" option that I felt I had to take.

Its so odd to put your whole heart into something expecting that it'll take you somewhere great... only to end up sitting on the sideline with a gaping wound. One that will heal, but one you hoped would go away and let you finish the race.

He also told me awhile back that the reason I was to pursue her at the time was to love him more... maybe I have... maybe I do.

Perhaps this was one of those obedience moments where he tells you to go one way, giving you a beautiful, sweet goal, just to ask you to be obedient and turn away when he asks, and to go in a different direction.

I can't imagine how weirder it will be when every night I don't talk to my balcherdove... when every day doesn't end with a prayer with the woman I love... with the sweet gentle darling I care for. I can't imagine not seeing her for a month or perhaps more... its so weird.

I love you Jesus, guide us. Guide me.