I've had a lot of time to think...

(those are bed bug bites on my head)

These past few weeks, I've had an inordinate amount of time to think and pray... and I've learned about myself in ways I never knew I would. Here are a few things that I'm willing to share ;-)

The people that annoy us the most, annoy us because they are the very mirrors of the things we hate about ourselves. The very things we struggle with are incarnate in them. There is only one rare exception to this, and that's when they display characteristics that we desire to have, but lack and their virtue convicts us of our failure to be virtuous.

Its an odd situation, but a person will not annoy you UNLESS there is something about them that sheds light upon your own struggles.

Due to this insight, which was at first a seed of a thought that was then fed by my spiritual director to a budding, I realised many things about my own struggles. How I hate people who teach me things, I hate people who order others around, I hate people who always have some reply to everything I say, I hate people who bring attention to themselves, I hate people who lead without humility and care. But I really learned that I really don't hate that person, but the source of the reflection, myself. I hate that I'm not as virtuous as I had hoped I would be by now. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate that I'm not holy.

This insight has helped me to begin to see where I need to change and how I need to do that. I just pray and hope that God will bring to fruition this that I know I can't do.

Hmm ( I think I've used this title before, but I think its a good one.)

(A place setting with our water urn and hand washing sink in the background)

So I'm back and life is about the same as it was. I'm excited. I'm dulled. I'm alive. I'm dead.

Sometimes you just can't capture emotion with words, or the complexities of the movements in a soul.

Lets just say I'm blessed.

(I totally missed this shot)

I had only 145 emails when I got back from my trip to the Father's house on a "Come and See". Which was nice because it only took two hours to go through. Today I got something that I didn't really expect to read... an email with a guy I had been talking with asking me to consider working in Ireland... I had earlier discerned it, and God told me that I'm supposed to be in NYC, but on the off chance that God wants to change His mind, I'll pray about it.

But an odd sense of peace is about my soul... and I expect God is assuring me that NYC is where I need to be. Even though in a way I'm terrified. But... on the other hand, after this past week, I think a year of ministry would do me good... in fact I think it would be a crucible that would greatly purify me. A cross that when I look back I was unwilling (and unable even) to bear when I went on NET.

Its amazing the things that come about in your soul when you sit with Christ for 3+ hours a day.

Talk is cheap

Ever hear yourself talk and wonder what the heck you're saying other than "me"?

I hear myself often and wonder why I even bother opening my mouth all the time.

"The simplest of all love songs I want to bring to you,
so I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with you."

(From Let My Words Be Few by Matt and Beth Redman)

Oft-times a haircut means a change in a person...

and sometimes the saying is right.

I made a vow and I cut my hair. Go figure. Acts 18 and Numbers 6 explain a little about the haircut... though its not for the same reasons (perhaps similar, but not exactly).

My hair just after my last shower with it... (I'm wearing a garland because somebody had a birthday at the computer store, and the owner bought everyone, circa 20 people, garlands to celebrate).
The photographer for the event, Renata the Croat. (They aparently don't call themselves Croatian or Croat, but Some word with an 'H'). (She's also on shore leave from the Hospital... they wouldn't let her out because they want to make more money... so she got a day pass...)
The Butcher and Victim... ;-)
Prep work...
The first cut.
And...
The final product.
A proud Sister and Stylist.
A group in awe at the change.

A well deserved meal (it wasn't as good as the Afghani Chicken, but still better than most of the food I've been eating lately).

Oh and Hettie's a Lush.

By the way I grabed a hair band as I was leaving for dinner and had to make a conscious effort to put it down, which didn't work until I argued to myself that my hair was cut and thus didn't need it. Also, I miss the easy access to floss.

Satan's a fool

So I've had much time to see Satan attacking the work of God here in India...

If you ever come here to Kolkata, just come to one of the Adorations or Masses in the Chapel of the Mother House... you'll discover how Satan tries everything he can to disrupt the Sisters and the Volunteers... and you'll also discover that despite his yelling, the Sisters remain focused on God.

The Chapel you see is right next to one of the loudest roads in Kolkata, and hearing someone 10 feet from you who is not yelling is a difficulty that can astonish any visitor. But despite the constant noise (that seems to peak around adoration time and mass time) the Sisters and volunteers pray, without raising their voices, in unison. A task I didn't think possible until I saw it.

Now when I pray, I actually think the room is silent. I barely if ever notice the noise, because of the focus God graces the Chapel with.

Satan also tries various other attacks... though from my experience they're quite unsuccessful in general.

Run away, Retreat!! Retreat!! Don't go on Retreat!!

Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains, and let the hills hear your voice!

Micah 6:1

So this past week I head up on a train to Siliguri, and then onwards to my retreat in Kurseong (3/4ths of the way up the mountain to Darjeeling). Luckily the Lord had given me the above verse, just before I left. I think He forsaw the struggle in my soul.

During the train ride, I began to doubt if I was supposed to go to a retreat. And I really wanted to go to Darjeeling with the group. I began to question if I should go to retreat, or just call it off, and hang out with the group.


Everything in my soul seemed against going to the retreat.


But one thing kept ringing in my head... present your plea before the mountains.

Then we got off the train and into the Sumo (a 10 person taxi-jeep) and started to head up the mountain. And my soul struggled more and more. "Why am I going to a retreat? The priest isn't even going to be there! I should go to Darjeeling and hangout."

But the voice kept repeating. Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains.

Yet the further up the mountain, the more my soul struggled, the more I felt oppressed. The more I hated to leave the group, the more I doubted. The more I called my self selfish and greedy for going on a retreat. The more I had to restrain myself from telling the driver to just go to Darjeeling.


Then I got out of the Taxi... they said it was Goethals... It wasn't. But luckily my few words of Hindi came in handy. "Kaha Goethals sei?" I said to a man descending a hill. He said 30 minutes up the mountain more. I was about to walk it, but he said to use the Taxi. I doubted it would be cheap, but it turned out to be only 10 rps.


The moment I got into the second Taxi, the moment I had fully committed to going to the retreat, the burden lifted from my soul. And joy began to swell up in my heart.


The moment I walked through the gate, a wave of peace washed over me and I knew this was where I was supposed to be. And I thanked the Lord for seeing the struggle and answering my prayers even before I knew I needed to pray.


The funny thing about the verse, was that it was the only one I had read out of my bible in a few weeks (outside of mass readings). I find that in times of great trial or in other times where God wants me to be reassured that a Word is from Him, He does this to me. He has me open the bible and immediately happen upon a verse that rings true in my soul... each time the verse has something very specific about my situation. And each time, following the Word brings great fruit.

images

Blog broke

So my blog broke and I lost alot of the template, so I took the opportunity to change it up a bit... hopefully I put everything back... but I'm sure I'll remember some details I need to add later.

Only Hope.

Only Hope by Caedmon's Call
-----------------------------
Depth of mercy can there be
Mercy still reserved for me
Can my God, your wrath forebear
Me the chief of sinners, spare

Chorus
It's my only hope
You're my only hope
It's my only hope of Heaven
At the cross forgiven

I have long withstood your grace
Long provoked you to your face
Would not harken to your calls
Grieved you by a thousand falls

(Chorus)

There for me the Savior stands
Shows his wounds and spreads His hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah I'm undone

Depth of mercy, vast and free
So much deeper than the sea
God of love, you heard my cry
Now into your open arms I fly

(Chorus)
---------------------
I don't know how to explain what is happening in my soul... but this song is perhaps a good start.

My prayers feel dry, but at the very same time I know I'm growing in faith. I know that my dedication is being rewarded by my King.

I know my darkness, and I'm dumbfounded by His Divine Mercy.

When the light shines, the shadows fall in a persons eyes. And the darkness in which they dwell is more evident. And as I've been sitting in Adoration with the Son exposed, the Light has been showing me the darkness that I wrestle with. And though I struggle, my Only Hope will redeem me and conquer the darkness for me. So long as I'm willing to sit in His rays and be Sonburned.

He wants you and me to be a great Saint, and I'm trying to lay down my life, that He may shine. I'm tired of not being the Saint He wants.

Lady Poverty

So I've been trying to reduce my clothing to two days worth, as a chosen poverty. So far I've only had a few issues... mostly concerning figuring out that I have to wash clothes every day. Which I now do in the shower every night. Its a bit freeing to have only two sets of clothes... but also a bit embarrassing at times, especially as I've chosen "poor peoples" clothes as my two sets (longhies and kurtas).

Though I still have several other luxuries. I have an mp3 player that I'd hate to part with, but could... I love that it brings me quickly into prayer... the music I have on it is exclusively Christian, which has been the staple of my auditory diet for years now. I also have a camera and voice recorder... both of which are for class, sponsor and personal use so I don't feel too guilty about them. Other than that, I carry two notebooks (a journal and a note taking notebook), my epipens, my inhalers, keys, watch(which I could really do without and would not mind losing), two pens, a liter of water, a devotional book to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a carabiner, a rosary, a rubber band (from take-away dinner last night), antibiotics (ciprofloxacin, I take one daily now...), a book I'm finishing reading on padre pio and a change purse with 282 rps and a reciept from my midmorning snack for 14 rps.

I also make use of a sheet, blanket, Shorter Christian Prayer book (divine office/liturgy of the hours), and contacts everyday.

So yes, I'm still living in mostly luxury, but right now I feel more called to embrace my health than to have even less...

I plan on sending a package back home soon with the majority of stuff I brought (minus all the med supplies). And maybe I'll finally send the package I've been meaning to send for over a month now...