silent trembling: Lead on.

I really like this poem from:
silent trembling: Lead on.

Lead on.

Looking in your eyes
I know I've done something wrong.
But I won't let on.
I won't let on.

I've hurt you, and you don't know
you can't imagine
You're darling to my heart
and I've done something wrong.
so I won't let on,
I won't let on.

I don't know yet how to fix this
I don't know yet what I'll do
I don't know yet what to tell you.
but I've done something wrong.
So I won't let on,
I won't let on.

Let me sit here, beneath your cross
beneath the blood stains that purify
let me sit here and understand
all that I did,
let me understand.
Let me sit.
because I've done something wrong
and I won't let on,
I won't let on.

So I was helping...

One of my assignments at the motherhouse yesterday was to set up a type of written book checkout system for the volunteers... while going through the books and writting down their titles and their number, I came across "E 64 St. Maximilian Kolbe: Saint of Auschwitz", and though the Sister had already suggested I read Story of a Soul, I also picked up this one.

The book is amazing and many times I felt completely overcome by Christ's love and Mary's love... I read the first half in my room under a nice fan (after taking a shower) and the second half I read at JoJo's a restaurant/juice shop right near my house that has fans and moderate A/C.

During the second half I found myself with my head down often hiding the overwhelming tears that come from seeing something beautiful.

St. Maximilian Kolbe offered to take the place of another inmate who had been chosen to die of starvation (10 had been chosen to die of starvation and dehydration in retalliation for the escape of another inmate). The inmate whom St. Maximilian Kolbe replaced, had a family.

Though suffering from TB and other maladies, St. Maximilian Kolbe was one of the last four alive after two weeks of starvation, and the only one concious and sitting up. On August 14th, 1941, the cell had to be prepared for another group set to die the same fate. A doctor entered and delivered a leathal dose of carbolic acid to the four inmates.

Faustina and Fortuna

I was listening to Fr. Stan's website... and I heard this...
"Where there is pride, I am not there." ~God to Faustina (#1563)

"My daughter, your struggle will last until death. Your last breath will mark its end. You shall conquer by meekness." #1597

"Entrust everything to me, and do nothing on your own, and you will always have great freedom. This is the fruit of the surrender, because then He will exalt you in due time. No circumstances or events will be able to upset you. Set little store on what people say. Let everyone judge you as they like. Let your spirit rise above all that. Set free from everything, rest close to my heart."#1685

"learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves." Mt 11:29

"To live is to annoy, to live is to be annoyed. " #82 of Fr. Stan's notes. CFR 06 LR (Annual CFR retreat 2006)

"Good people shinning their light are sickening. Humility: Good people getting better let their light shine." #49

Choice of Service

If you had no choice but to serve would you?

It's odd, but I feel like I'm in that place, though it's not as restricted as it sounds, I actually feel freer than I've ever felt.

I have no choice but to serve my God. He's been gracious to me and shown His faithfulness countless times each day. My options are simple. His life or my death.

And to me there seems no choice. His life is so much more amazing than my death. The death that comes from the inward darkness that spoils all goodness (concupiscence).

So every morning I wake to my alarm at 430, and though I do snooze a few times, I pick myself up out of bed and prepare myself for the day. Knowing that if I don't serve, there will be two hands and feet less to care for these people, to care for Christ. And that's not something I'm willing to be responsible for.

And every night I walk for about an hour just to spend an hour in Adoration and thanksgiving of His greatness... it's a selfish time, where I get to spend a quite space with my Love. Just staring at Him, sitting with Him, listening to His breath. Its the time I draw nearer my love and He draws nearer to me... a time not spoilt by doing, but enhanced by being. (I like to run to Him sometimes, and steal a few extra minutes in His embrace). If only I was called to be a hermit.

two humbling experiences...

Being called prayerful by someone you consider prayerful.
Being told you did good when you know it was only God and that you did nothing.

Vocare (Latin for "to call")

Why does the Lord choose us?
What have we to offer infinite goodness?
When I think of His mercy and desire for me, I'm unable to speak. I just have to sit and write.
I can't express with words or unexpressible groanings what I feel. The closest would be overwhelming tears welling up inside from joy and sorrow.
But even that doesn't convey it. But I imagine that everyone knows this feeling even if we can't express it. The feeling of being overwhelmed by God (even if we don't know that's what it is).

I'm selfish, weak, poor and greedy.
What have I to offer infinite goodness?

Song

I really like this song Vincible from Sonar (a group that plays at Stuebenville youth conferences)
It's so amazing and powerful. And the last line is so overwhelming in the song.

"Hurry up and place your bets and jokey for your position
this race has begun in the journey of life"
I said "please mister auctioneer give me a minute
To figure out just what it is that I want to buy

But if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

I swear I think I've tried all the gimmicks
And each one of them kept working to no avail
And even this ladder I've built
has been crushed by the weight of my ambition

And I'll build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing
I stumble on my own feet
With out you I am nothing
and I don't have the air to breath
With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing

cause if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing

Without you. I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing.

Tedium

I feel the tedium setting in, the daily grind, the struggle to embrace the call when it's no longer fantastic and new, but when it's become familiar. This is the struggle that everyone has, where ever you are. But daily I'm renewed in Christ, and all I can do is offer my desire to relax and remember that my vocation is to serve my Lord... and such a wonderful Lord deserves gratitude from His servants. He deserves my willingness to embrace the dying, to feed, clothe, massage Him in them and they in Him.

But its so hard when I catch a breather to find a pace that will sustain my enthusiasm and also that leads me daily to sacrifice myself more and more.

Lord Jesus Christ, Guide me in serving your people. Help me to overcome myself and embrace you in thanksgiving. Amen.

Cleanliness

Removed and Reposted on Faith or Bust

Oh...

oh and I might be helping out with some retreats... more information to follow... one will be for youth and another I can't really talk about yet... but it's pretty cool if I do get to work with them! (sister asked me to help...).

Kat's in India...

So yesterday on a day I wasn't supposed to go to orientation (supposed to be this past monday but got stuck in howra across the river) in a month I wasn't supposed to be in Calcutta (supposed to be in Darmasala or elsewhere) . I bumped into Kat.

I was early and talking with one of the lead guys when I heard some girls sign in. I turned and looked saw some americans and then was about to turn back when I thought I recognised one... I said Kat? and without turning she said Yup. or something like that... the rest of the time she pretty much ignored me and her friend kim pretty much tried politely to direct questions to others but not to me. So It's odd... but c'est la vie. I'll still say hi when I see her. It was good to see her.

Jury duty

Got called up for Jury duty... I'm in India... and also in school... funny...

also just checked my grades and... I got two A-, 1 B, and 1 C- (I didn't turn a paper in due to time constraints and my last few hell weeks at school). So now my GPA dropped to 3.52 but that's still good... and still qualifies me for graduating with honors I believe.

Update

Quick update... I got sick from one of the immunizations and am not yet fully recovered (though I'd place myself circa 85-95% at any given moment.)

Been busy like crazy... Even after writting two papers this past week (and working on others), I have a todo list of 7 papers (two of which are a series of three essays, and three of which are 10 page papers, one final to study for (I decided to drop one of my other finals as it could only marginally increase my grade) and I also have to write a proposal for one of my Independent studies in India... all this week In addition to friday being booked every fifteen minutes from 7am-9pm with checkouts and saturday from 7am-3pm (though not solid on saturday), moving myself out, adding two degree plans, having an appointment with Financial aid, and doing various sundry items for the India trip that have to be done this week...

But things are plugging along... most stuff is done for India, so things that don't have to be done by the end of this week can wait...

My friend Adrienne Sampson told me to think of it this way... in a week it HAS to be done with... so one way or the other it's going to be done. And that's okay.

Breakfast

:-) YUMMY! (and pretty too)

(the "table" aka cooler is set with bread, strawberries, an orange, honey, brie, and irish cheddar.)

Sickness

The fever just broke from getting my immunization shot... I think it was the polio that made me sick... though it could've been the pneumonia... but it definitely wasn't the tetanus. That arm is feeling fine... its the other one that's in large amounts of pain...

I was out for all of yesterday and since the evening of the day before (I only woke up to go to pray with Brendan.)

Well I'm getting better now, so praise God!

Keybox

Student Death

so student death has something that really really ROCKS!

Their traveler's nurse and program is fantastic and from what I can tell very very thorough.

KUDOS to student death for promoting life in a fantastic manner!

If you ever plan to travel outside of the US, go to student death 3-4 months in advance and ask about the travelers program to ensure you get the full immunization plans. (else they'll just have to make due with the time they have, and you won't be able to get the longer regimens)

pretty

flowers

I got flowers today!
Easter lilies in fact!

I discovered them outside my door on my way back from scuttling to the restroom this morning... they apparently had been left outside the door of my room sometime in the morning...

And I THOUGHT I knew who gave them to me... so I thanked her... turns out it wasn't her... so all day I was trying to figure out who it was... It could be ... but that would be drama... or it could be... hmm...

Then finally after asking a few friends I decided to ask one of my best friends here... and yup it was her! Thank you Holly! I love the Flowers!!!

The first picture of my new camera!

So I got an award tonight...

The award is for "Student Change Agent of the Year"

The award itself is not really of import to me, as truly it is not I that changed anything.

What's important is that it might have opened up a new group of people for Faith or Bust. Many of those are very important people in the ISU hierarchy

An opportunity pointed out to me by my old advisor.

May God bless what ever may come.

want 600$?

check this site out...
http://www.internetopiniongroup.com/product_detail.jsp?product_id=4927&bid=3

if you want to try for 800$ use this one...
http://www.internetopiniongroup.com/landings/iog_template_06.jsp?product_id=4928&pid=1844165779&cid=670803&lid=1108

So lemme esplain...

I've actually completed the process... and got a $600 visa gift card... no not a bike but the bike's value on a gift card... if you read the rules and follow them... not fearful to pester when things dont update on time, you should get your gift card and spend it within the span of one semester... and it actually takes minmal work, just diligence and you can choose programs that are free and useful like a free trial at Blockbuster or the like... just make sure you drop the free trial before your credit card gets charged.

Gerber Knives

So we were looking at knives... as we might purchase a quality low cost one for our trip... and we came across this... Gerber's new Campaign... The first one is pretty funny... the rest moderately so. And they have a efw more.
http://www.gerbergear.com/

Concert

So I'm one of two RAs for Freeman Hall... and last night was the Freeman Spring Concert which had the bands:

Plain white T's
Lucky Boy's Confusion
Tub Ring
Envy Corps
Stuck with Arthur
Sweet Afton

I never heard any of them before, but they ROCKED! It was a blast.

My Hall puts on this concert with our Alumni Committee (yeah my hall has an Alumni association! Its new this year, but will probably keep on keepin on)

And we all helped out with the concert, we had an Exec. Council which did most of the planning and the rest of us helped where we could in the planning but mostly helped in volunteering to staff it. I helped out at the last minute, but (partly because the guys knew me a little and I was the RA) was quickly put to work... I got to hang out with the bands in the Green room, and LBC (lucky boys confusion) lead Stubhy said he'd help me out with info on India... he was really chill and excited to help... he also gave me some ideas about getting a cell over in india, or a sidekick.

After being general "event staff" for a bit, I ended up gurading one of the backstage entrances and was shifted to security (so I got a security shirt too) and that was fun... I was eventually relieved and put up on barracade duty (at the front of the stage) and helped pull down crowd surfers to safety (if we didnt they'd get head dropped right after the barracades). The a whole group of us went crowd surfing as well (my first time, and we took off our staff shirts first ;-) ) it pretty much rocked and the music was awesome...

And I think I like crowd surfing alot... but I'd probably not do it anywhere else as there, I knew what was happening and where the crowd would keep you up and where they'd drop you. (since I saw if from security's perspective.)

Stuck with Arthur was really nice too! I chilled with their Merch girl (who is dating the drummer, I think).

The bands were really cool.

I also got some trinkets from the show... two set lists from Plain White T's, a set list from Stuck with Arthur, a drum stick that was left on the stage, a drum stick head that broke off while one of the bands was playing and a whole assortment of 5 picks...

All in all I was really impressed by how my guys helped put this thing on!

Embarrassing

I just had a very humbling experience.

We just had a workshop in my Creative Nonfiction class

Where we all had anonymously written book proposals

We voted for the top 3 and mine came in fourth, by one vote.

#4 had 6 votes #3 had 7 #2 had 7 and # 1 had 12 (out of a max of 16)

After voting our pieces were still anonymous and everyone was trying to figure out whose was whose?

Everyone kept saying that #1 (about harvesting your crops and writing a diary and cook book) must be mine, because it was so well written and “really good”.

It wasn’t and mine was in my view a distant distant fourth to the writing.

I didn’t even follow the directions correctly and I came in fourth… even if I had followed correctly, I still would’ve paled to the Harvest.

It’s humbling for others to think you so great that you wrote something so good.

And more humbling to know you could never.

Updates...

I now have an events calendar at the bottom of my page.

Also two new blogs are now going public!

For my trip to India this summer:
http://faithorbust.blogspot.com

For my trip to NYC this next year:
http://faithorbustNYC.blogspot.com

Just breathe

I just realised I have 5 weeks left to get stuff done... and I have more than 5 wks worth of work to do... and then I also have the india trip and the NYC stuff... OH GOD!

So universal

So I used to really love Sinead O'Connor's music... and today I finally listened to my old CD... and all I gots ta say is wow... I still love her music... only now I understand the words I once thought I understood...

Funny how pain is so universal.

The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance
This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love

Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalise the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

New Wallpaper

From: http://www.marian.org/divinemercy/desk/hyla_l.html

others available from: http://www.marian.org/divinemercy/desktops.html

Humbling...

Sorry if it seems like I've talked a lot. Its really great to hear from you. If I never said thank you, I'd like to say it now. You are the one who really helped me begin on this journey following Christ. I think it started with the first time I went on Quest, and then Steubenville, and then the Youth Ministry. Even though you're gone, I still look up to you as a role model. You are really a great person, and I hope you know that. So thank you for everything.

One of my guys from when I was a youth minister in San Antonio wrote this to me... its funny, because I felt so broken when I worked as a youth minister... and so useless and so horrible at the job. I've said many times that that was the job I failed most at... the job that I could have done so much more or just been adequate, but instead I just failed.

And then to get a letter from one of the youth saying thanks, and how I let Christ shine just enough to change him... it humbles me to realise how only Christ could have done it... because I certainly couldn't.

Thank you Lord, for letting me let you Shine.

Don't Miss the Sights of New Orleans!

(below are two journal entries from N.O.)

535pm 3.13.6

New Orleans is Devastated. Whole communities destroyed, everywhere tent cities, trailer parks and refugee camps. N.O.L.A. is destroyed.

Orange and black spray paint testify, NOPD, No Entry, Unsafe. 25 fish, 1 Crab, Dead Dog. Dead. The last is the worst. Dead. No longer animal life searched out by the SPCA… human. A simple word spray painted with a shivering hand. How can this be? D-E-A- my God! D.

How can any one person experience this whole. I’ve seen parts I’ve seen waterlines from 3 feet to over a roof… houses on houses. Houses on cars. Four houses from different blocks now one. Now sharing walls. Red fading into wood and white trim into blue; fading into wood and white trim, into pink; fading into wood and white trim, into pistachio. Chunks of metal formerly known by families as vans. Warehouses flattened. Black mold swarming white sheet rock. Refrigerators that must be duct tapped and sealed. DON’T OPEN THEM –EVER.

Everything Out. Down to the studs. All walls except exterior – out. Axes, sledgehammers, crowbars and boots. Kicking them in can be easiest… except on plaster and slats. Push on through to the other side, warn them first, fogged goggles and change your mask frequently. Drink water and breath fresh air then look next door and realize you’re surrounded.

A dead city. With pockets of life. Our camp is luxury – a better bed than my dorm, maybe not by looks, but by comfort. Better food and warm showers, generators, AC and flushing toilets. Most people have water now… maybe not power but water. Few street lights work from damage or odd traffic patterns, they now flash Red-Red – Red. Welcome to NOLA.

1146pm
We drove through the 9^th ward looking at the devastation of blocks and blocks of neighborhood. Houses in the middle of roads, cars flipped on top of others. Sheer unadulterated devastation. “Wherever you are.” “What?” “Oh?” I realized no one would understand that phrase. “I was thinking about a major disaster and wondering ‘where do you start?’ It’s overwhelming. But ‘Where do you start?’ wherever you are.” You have to. You pick up the sledgehammer, the broom. You pickup the body bags, the fridges. You pickup the rubble that obstructs your path. You pick it up. You pick up your pen and write a check. Where do you start? Wherever you are.

ACCEPTED!!!

May God Bless me on my journey!!!

Next year

so its confirmed... at 325ish today... I am going to New York next year... it seems odd...

I usually have a sense of completion when I leave a place... but here I'm leaving and I feel its incomplete... but I have to leave.

I can't stay here any longer, I've given my all, I've run the race, and the race has moved to another place. but the laurels here seem to be unwon... and unwinnable by anyone... I just wish I knew what they were.

I'm leaving a part of my life... a not so bad part. But a part that just stopped.

I have to go.

START SPREADING THE NEWS!

(photo from: http://www.nyctourist.com/liberty1.htm)

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it - new york, new york
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it - in old new york
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - new york, new york

New york, new york
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find I'm a number one top of the list, king of the hill
A number one

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old new york
And if I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere

It up to you - new york new york

New york

Government Summons for Court

So I just got back from New Orleans Louisiana (NOLA, or N'awlins for short)...

And I go to work today and find a priority mail envelope for me from
U.S. Government Official Mail
365 Canal Street, Suite 1300
New Orleans, LA 70130

And I'm trying to figure out what I did or why the heck the Gov't is contacting me...

so i dont want to open it... (who would)... but I bite the bullet and open it... and its just what I expected...

well not really.

it was my PASSPORT!!! YAY!
Now I've got to get my VISAs!

You can never imagine the Horror

of driving in New Orleans.

of looking at devastated houses.

of looking at waterlines stained on sides of buildings, higher than your head.

of looking at cryptic codes spraypainted on doors from the first responders.

of knowing that NJ means the New Jersey National Guard searched this house

of knowing that an NE means No Entry, they had no reason to.

of knowing that a zero on the bottom means I could breath again.

of wincing at every house

of not wanting to look, but with a soul crying out, wanting to know the story of these people.

of driving down street after street

of knowing that SELA TF-1 means South East Louisiana Task Force 1 searched this house

of knowing that a lack of an NE means they actually did Enter.

of knowing that a one means one life could not be saved.

of hearing stories that began with "We had to let Mrs. Martha across the street die."

of seeing only sea shells where rows of houses once stood, no place to spray paint cryptic notes.

you can't imagine. Until you've experienced it.

Wonder

Ever get the feeling that something is critically wrong with you and you're a horrible person?

yeah?

Me neither.

Strive for holiness at all comfort.

Thoughts...

Is it a good thing or bad thing that I let my heart control me?
That I care?
That I wonder why?
I don't understand all the time what the deal is, and it confuses the heck out of my soul.

I'm trying more and more to let go of my worries. But working against so much family programming is hard. And working against the very hardwiring in your brain is harder.

My mind thinks to fast and too clearly, it thinks about the meanings of everything, it thinks about why people don't behave the way I expect, don't think the way I expect, aren't concerned with things that logic demands they should.

Why are people so willing to compromise, and why aren't they concerned with thinking if they are? Every person is liable to internal contradiction, thats a result of the fall, but our calling is to be perfect as He is perfect, so why don't people TRY? They have mouths but do not speak, have ears but do not listen.

How is internal contradiction okay? I KNOW it's COMFORTABLE. But Comfort does not make it okay, but should be a trigger for QUESTIONING Why? Is it of God? really? or is it from Satan? Or is it from my defiance of God's will?

And these things make me wonder and worry, and get frustrated with the disconnect between peoples actions and beliefs.

The greatest case for Atheism is Christians.

Why should an Atheist or ANYONE for that matter believe in CHRIST when His followers don't even care that they DON'T follow His teachings? Especially to Love Him above all things, even their own comfort from self-contradiction.

And I can't figure out if my desire to be okay with that is a disconnect itself, in me.

Am I really supposed to be okay with people who lie? Who lie by their actions and words not meeting?

I want to stop worrying, because I want to be sane, but if I stop worrying how much am I not caring anymore? And can I truly love someone if I don’t care?

The answer seems to be that you can not love someone if you don’t care. (Though others try to convince me otherwise). But perhaps there’s a complexity that I’m missing?

We aren’t called to care about people the way would care about a stranger’s dog, we’re called to care about them as if they are family. As if we really do care about their salvation, and not just their comfort.

So WHY THE HELL DO CHRISTIANS BEHAVE OTHERWISE? Why don’t they just stop LYING and tell the truth. They aren’t striving for holiness at all costs. They strive for holiness at all comfort.

At least in being honest you let God work in you. When you lie, you let Satan work.

Father Dennis' Blog

I discovered the other day that my Priest has a blog! He's a great guy!
http://fatherdennis.blogspot.com/

WE WON!

after 26hours and Thousands of Points, we WON by 10 points!

Kaleido Quiz

3pm, March 3rd to 6pm, March 4th

Once again, Kure 88.5 FM presents Kaleido Quiz. The KQ is 26 hours of trivia with scavenger hunts, fantastic prizes, and "Oh, Man...and more." The cost is $25 per team. Pick up your applica tion at KURE's office at 1199 Friley Hall and turn it in by February 27th or on March 3rd with a $5 late fee. Get your teams together now.

http://www.kure885.org/

Thought for the day

so use this as your search engine: http://prolifesearch.com/

It gives money to prolife organisations, and uses Google Search technology.

Also, observation for the day:
I need to control my passions...
Sometimes I feel so hurt or belittled that inside emotion rises and wants to address it as soon as possible, an overpowering (at times) feeling that I need to do something now.
But this lets me be controlled by what ever inspires it's movement, and I don't want to be controled by anything. Though I do want to give my control over to God.
Until I can control them, they control me, and I can not give them to God.

getting better I think

I think I'm getting better, my appetite is slowly returning, and the pain in my head from my sinuses is bearable... and I'm not delirious and thinking that I own a factory still... so on many counts I'm better... but now I'm really dizzy and borderline nauseous... dizzy and nauseous enough to skip another of my classes today... and rest a bit which helped.

I wonder if its the meds? I'm on Ery-tab, this time since between the last time I had an antibiotic and now I had an allgery test that said I was allergic to penicillium...

Well I hope to be much better in three to four days.

getting worse

I'm getting worse... vomitting now... yuck. And my body is weak... yay, I might have to go back to student death soon.

Pneumatitis

so I finally managed to get my self to the doc... I have a bacterial pneumatitis... the doc said it's not yet Pneumonia (thats good at least).

Yay Sickness, Yay work.

Still have that 5 page paper to write... gar

Done.

Victory!

Most Committed Reader I know.

So I have officially taken over the title of Most Committed Reader I know.

I have read at least 20 hours of pure reading this weekend. I say at least, because I'm being genererous to my readings speed and concentration ability.

Now considering that I'm a CA and Human, I've had to take breaks from reading for meetings, emergencies (angel saw part of one when she came to visit), eating and general emotional and psychological welfare.

So all in all to maintain my ability to read this weekend, I've used approximately 30 hours of my life. (I still have 2.65 hours left of the 20 hours to finish before I can claim victory and I'm currently taking a sanity/headache/rest room break).

THEN, I have to write a 5 page report over what I read... luckily its 5 pages... and luckily I've read 614 pages by the time I'm done, so content shouldn't be an issue, quality yes.

Oye.

Praise God.

:-)

So Fr. Stan Acutally emailed me after I posted on his Blog! yay! Next year I hope to work with the CFRs (though prbly not Fr. Stan's House) in NYC. When Tim and I go to Hunter.

Adeline!!!

Check out this song its amazing!!!

Adeline at http://www.mikeandamyfinders.com/
yes, "Adeline" is a link to a full mp3 availble off of their site, it's legit.
(http://www.mikeandamyfinders.com/audio/mp3/Adeline.mp3)

Orange County Crucifix

{edit} Well, I misposted this on this blog instead of my draft writting blog, but as I like it, I'm leaving it here for you to enjoy and I also reposted it here on sirhairdrafts. {end edit}

230

We didn’t have a retreat today. Instead we got to do spring cleaning on the church… a cavernous affair with stained glass streaming light upon the color treated cement floor. We divided into groups, cleaning pews, windows, confessionals, floors and various accoutrements. I decided to work the ladders cleaning the windows, as everyone else was scared of climbing them. I hate ladders. They wobble and I’m sure I’ll die falling off one; I’ve always had dreams of that. Javy and I would move the ladder around he’d clean the bottom of the windows, I’d clean the top, 2 to three stories higher than the slick cement below. The walls braced the ladder well, and I wasn’t too scared after the first few.

We were done, and I looked at the Crucifix hanging mid air above the altar, it was dusty, and I asked the overseer if we could clean it. She agreed, and we moved the tall ladder precariously through the aisle, a few times almost toppling over.

The corpus was a beautiful bronze casting, 2 times the size of a normal body, perhaps more, majestic, silent, beautiful. I almost cried as I cleaned it. I took care of the hands, as a medic would, I daubed the feet, with soft cotton, embracing them in my hands, and kissing the memorial wounds. I cleaned down one side and then up the other. I cleaned His chest, wondering what it would have felt like in real life, strong, proud, to the very end or clammy and suffocating, fragile as a real human. I cleaned his crown, getting pricked and stabbed by the intermeshed five inch thorns sharpened to conical points. My thin hands couldn’t even fit through to clean his hair, the thorns so dense, so painful.

I wish I would have been alone. I wish I could have poured torrents from my eyes. Been overcome by the sorrow and joy. I wish the bronze of my memory was in front of me now.

247am

Its at St. Vincent de Paul, Huntington Beach, CA http://www.svdphb.org/svdphb/

This week

I have about 60hrs of work besides my classes to get done by friday... in addition to that I did today... crazy. So don't expect much out of me this week.

Today I went to a band playing on campus (I thought it was supposed to be a poetry reading that was going to suffice for a class assignment, and decided to stay as I thought the band still would suffice)... and I bumped into my Creative Writting teacher... who introduced me to her Husband Joe, and told him I was a "good writter"... which I denied (because I think I'm mediocre.)

And off to go read 70 pages before writting a few brief papers on unrelated topics.

Fr. Stan Changed his Blog...

http://digitalaudiodeli.com/ is the new blog location http://digitalaudiodeli.blogspot.com/ no longer exists. Just an FYI...

Decisions....

So University of Rhode Island contacted me and said they were "very impressed with both your interview and your application" and were really excited about the possibility of hiring me... I'd be in an upper classman dorm, with three returners, and three newbs on staff with me... (this after I missed the interview time (I thought it was 6 my time, it was 6 their's so I was 15 minutes late, since I have class until 5... I checked my voice mail and found a very tentative message from my interviewers asking where I was... and if I could setup another time... so I called them, and they asked when would be a good time... I actually had expected the call a week later... so I said how about now? I'm game... they asked if I was ready... and I responded No but I'll work with it.)

And University of Northern Colorado, called and were also very impressed with me, and extended me an offer as well...

And Towson hasn't responded yet... (but that was my worst interview, I was really off my game) but they'll call next week, as scheduled.

So I have two (possibly three) offers from institutions (which I expected with my work experience, I'm a fantastic candidate).

And I'll probably turn them all down...

Which is a shame as they'd all be amazing opportunities.

I'm going to New York, if I can get in (CUNY - Hunter). Because that's where Tim wants to go...
It'll be awesome! We'll get to do ministry with the urban dwellers and meet greatly holy men and women. Tested daily and put through the fire, but we'll be burned clean!

It'll be an amazing opportunity to grow and become the holy one I desire so much to be!

New York.

Who'd've guessed.

New York.

And I'm still applying to Stuebie, Loras and Ave Maria...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy!

But I really feel my heart being drawn to NYC... pulled, much like at times past in my life, like the drawing to Ireland, and Des Moines... God's calling, but I'm not sure where to... Ireland was a proxy for His real plan, NET... is NYC a proxy for a new path?

I wonder.

Sometimes I realise that I can't decide because I fail at my prayer life... I don't take the time I owe Him... and that's why I only feel the vague movings of the Spirit, not the solid determination that I get after prayer... like when I found NET, my heart was solid, and this past summer, despite warnings away of the pain that would follow me, I knew this is where my lord called... so I followed, knowing I would be stepping into a battle... but with Him near, I was assured I'd survive.

Speak lord, your servant is listening.

what i ate

So Tuesday night, I decided to make Tim eat a feast with me, in protest and in forgetting what day it was. So I wrangled a car out of his roommate and started planning it... the final product was the following (originally we had more planned):

Water Crackers with Apricot Stilton
Bruschetta with Tomatoes and Mushrooms
Pasta with Olives, Mushrooms, Onions, Sundried Tomatoes, Oregano, Cracked Red Pepper and Garlic.
Steamed orange butter asparagus with Clementies.
Chicken Cordon-Bleu (with Gruyere and Prosciutto in a bread/cracker/oregano covering)
Fresh Fruit With Honey-Yogurt ( http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/5457 )

It was delicsh... and two of his roommates joined us... it felt nice to be able to cook and have the company of friends... I havent had the opportunity since I was in Austin to really do it, so I was excited :-)

I also made Tim promise that if we end up living together in NYC (Manhattan) then we'll have a Feast every other week :-D

NYC is looking really really awesome... I might be able to convince two more friends to join us! Possibly three!!!!! which means CHEAP RENT!!!!

YAY!

Dinner...

oye! I'm tired...

I just got home after leaving for class today...

I'll fill you in later but Tim and I made dinner and had a good time... that's the gist... I gots ta crash.

Ah Heretics....

so how often do we come across people who say they are catholic but worship idols?

Psalm 115:4-6

Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths but do not speak, eyes but do not see. They have ears but do not hear, noses but do not smell.

People try to divide our faith into compartments... failing remember that we are one whole, whose source and summit is the Eucharist. From this is our life. From this is our life. From this is our life.

From this IS OUR LIFE!

We worship Him first, and from Him do we have the strength to do works of mercy, from Him do our works have meaning. Jesus is a living person who demands love, not a great nice guy who says we should go serve everyone else so that the world is better. He is God... who says love me, and serve my brothers.

He is not a dead guy. He is love incarnate. Incarnate.

In the Eucharist.

PRAISE GOD!

From the Renew America Newsletter

---

State lawmakers defy Roe v. Wade
South Dakota House passes bill criminalizing nearly all abortions

February 11, 2006
WorldNetDaily

With a reversal of Roe v. Wade as its ultimate aim, South Dakota's House of Representatives passed a bill today that would criminalize all abortions except for when a mother is in danger of dying. The penalty for performing illegal abortions would be a maximum of five years in prison.

Supporters say the Woman's Health and Life Protection Act, which passed 47-22, is the result of new research compiled by a legislative task force showing life begins at conception and abortion is harmful to women . . . [Click for more]

See also: Indiana proposal: Life starts at conception (Associated Press)

Dogmatism

(Fr. Dave Farnum, CSP)

Catholics tend to be blamed as dogmatic.

• Sticking to the rules as if only the letter of the law matters.
• Lacking compassion in cases that differ substantially.
• Refusing to bend until the rule has changed.
• Unwilling to change "bad" rules.

But I've seen more of this from people who do not pronounce their faith loudly than from those who do...

From people who do not believe in truth, but in place of it, have instituted the words of man.

People, who afraid to simplify the world into a truth which is a constant tension of sin and mercy, obedience and compassion, faith and reason, etc. have reduced what they can to dogmatic principles, hoping to mete out some meaning, some clarity in a world otherwise devoid of all purpose and reason.

They hold to things that don't matter and run from things that do.

You can't play games in the hall of a dorm, but you can get drunk and have sex in your room.

How are we to love and live? That doesn't matter, just don't buy a water gun, because it's labeled "gun"... a nerf funky blaster? oh sure... it's not called a gun on the package. (A rule as a resident assistant I have to espouse repeatedly).

Am I the only one astounded?

I said it earlier, but this is insane! This is a search for something they don't have! Truth, order, Goodness and rightness. Compassion does not come from creating rules from which people are treated "equally" (equally in the sense of being held accountable to the same exact wording), there is no compassion there, but dogmatism. Compassion comes from seeing a person as God does... as part of His bride (the Church). Compassion comes from knowing the perfect standard, and holding people accountable not because it is a standard, but because it makes them better, holier, more perfect, more beautiful... compassion comes from seeing the standard, and seeing the sinner... and judging (OooOOOOOooo that word the world hates) what is best for the person, mercy, compassion, guidance, punishment, tough love, soft love... or perhaps shockingly, a combination of them. A person is not an equation with one solution... they have a multitude of needs and each need must be addressed as best as we can. Each sin stems from more than one source and each source must be treated if they are to be whole again.

Every human person is valuable and worthy of compassion.

No human person respects dogmatism in the modern sense... but every person hopes for the dogmatism I've just described... for being treated as a unique creation who deserves unique treatment, who is a complex entity with conflicting desires and ideas that conflict because they imperfectly seek the Good. Your desire is not wholly bad, there is TRUTH in it! It is a desire that yearns to be redeemed and placed on a path to wholeness, where all desires unite.

But simple mechanical rules devoid of humanity can not unite and guide a human, they can only act as stumbling blocks, they can only divide and frustrate…

Humanity deserves better. You deserve better.

How are we going to convert the world?

Luke 2:34-35

and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted... so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed."

You're heart is complex. You're heart is NOT simple. You're desires have Truth in them. You have Truth in you. The world wants to tell you that you're an input to an equation, Jesus wants to tell you that He knows you're more... SOO Very much more.

You are His Father's child, royalty in the Heavens.
You're existence is unique, precious and astounding!
God is amazed at you!
AT YOU!

Habakkuk 1:3-5

Why do you let me see ruin; why must I look at misery? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and clamorous discord. This is why the law is benumbed, and judgment is never rendered: Because the wicked circumvent the just; this is why judgment comes forth perverted. ² Look over the nations and see, and be utterly amazed! For a work is being done in your days that you would not have believed, were it told.

You are that work, and your indignation at being simplified will show you the way.

My wallpaper-Gospel Canticle: Luke 2:29-32

This is my wallpaper on my computer right now... I made it using one of my drawings... it's Jesus' hand nailed to the cross... (it's on its side). Thought some of you might like to use it!

reading

So when I was in highschool I never had to read... well I was supposed to, but really when you think about it most stories are predictable, and reading the last few pages and first few, and maybe two or three in the middle is sufficient to get most of the general plot down...

but now!

I have over 1100 pages to read in the next week and a half!

Crazy... and I'll probably do it all...

But then I have like four essays/papers to write!

And a presentation to prepare for!

In highschool I'd be overwhelmed... and think it worthless to attempt... but for some reason I feel a peace about this workload... I mean I GET to read some really cool things... things that I love to learn about! so is it really all that bad?

*eh* If I focus enough I'll be fine!

mebe.

Clearly see

there are things that I can clearly see with a clarity others admire, yet when I look at myself, I'm blind.

My heart carries more weight than my courage.

My heart carries more worry than my mind.

Yet for others, I'm clear. I can recognise their courage and strengthen it, I can recognise their worry and calm it... maybe its a cruel trick that my eyes are nearsighted and my soul is far.

Old blog/journal

so this was the last line in my old opendiary journal...

"anyhow... this was supposed to be really short, but it's not... and now I'm going to end... btw... I posted a quick "blog" at sirhair.blogspot.com ... probablly won't ever update it, but whatever... need shower..."
http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D108622

LoL... and now I never use opendiary... that was a year and a half ago!

This was my first blogspot post:
http://sirhair.blogspot.com/2004/09/why-i-re-joined-bloggers.html

I'll probably migrate the entries from opendiary over to blogspot sometime in the near future... but right now I'm procrastinating on studying for a test and writting an essay for tomorrow. So I should get off...

Give

How much can you give before you lose yourself?

Love
the mundane expression of love is something that excites and confuses me...
its a game that goes back and forth, forth and back,
Promises of eternal devotion, promises to try
what happens when you give and no one returns it?
when love consumes you,
and the dawn becomes part of your soul,
the quiet veil lifting slowly
pulling away all mystery that protects
enriches, maintains your soul.
Naked.
Is it worth it?
the risk of being left naked alone?

Work
I work. the demands of my Lord
makes it hard for me to not.
makes it hard for me to not give my all.
what kind of a man works,
but steals?
how could I get a check for less than my best?
when does the work become master?
when can you relax?

Words
I love my words,
the hidden ones that only three know about
they speak about my soul
they touch my memory
sense, taste, emotion
my words are me
external but essential
if I tell you where they're at
will you rip this part of me away?
how intimate can you be
with friends and strangers?
before you die of heartache?

Orthodoxy

Recently I've been called a conservative by people who would label themselves as Liberal... and I take great offense to this!

Conservatism and Liberalism are both perversions of Truth. They take Truth and reduce it to a simple formula that satisfies their own lives, eliminating the eternal challenge of Christ in favour of a simple rubric.

The basic (though simplistic) way of perceiving this is that liberals embrace the new because its new, and reject the old because its old, and conservatives embrace the old because its old, and reject the new because its new. This is not the only way, especially if we believe in Truth.

There is such a thing as being Catholic, which I think can be glimpsed by 1 Thessalonians 5:20-21

20 Do not despise prophetic utterances.

21 Test everything; retain what is good.

This seems a good guide to discern what it means to have a Tradition, we should not despise the new, but we should test it. We should not dispose of the old universally, we should retain the good. Though I usually call this Orthodoxy, Fr. Dennis made a point (though perhaps unintentionally) that we should all be "Catholic" without any prefix. That we should embrace the Church whole heartedly and seek to remain with it's living wisdom at all times.

Seeking to Love God first, and through Him, love His creations, the new and old.

"High Church or Low Church, liberal or conservative, it is too easy for us to drift and to find ourselves based more on the commandments, traditions and conventional wisdom of men rather than the true wisdom and revelation of God." ~~Penitens

Bike Against World Hunger (aka. Peddaling Paupers)

Here's the beginnings of our website... it's gonna be AWESOME!! Kim is doing an amazing job...

We're still working out a lot of stuff... and I've not yet contacted some people that I need to... but plans and ideas are flowing.

Fr. Stan's new website!

He's got a podcast! (free music, etc.) online check it out!!!
http://digitalaudiodeli.blogspot.com/
Oh and I went to see him today in Iowa City... it was very beautiful... he's a great evangelizer of our culture... an honest and humble servant of our Lord and Lady!

Home

Yup I'm back... My hall is trashed (the restrooms are worse) and I had a great weekend at Loras...

I almost want to go back already... good thing my classes are interesting... else I'd never've returned.

My guys aren't all that bad... just naive children... at least naive in caring for community property and their own bodies... (they get drunk alot... alot).

*eh* I have tonnes of reading to get done that Needs to be done asap... so I'm outtie YO.

The Song from the grove...

This was the song I was listening to as I was in the grove... I dont think I've ever heard it (except a clip) until that moment... I put it on my mp3 player randomly, the only song I didn't know in a group of songs I've known.

No One Else Knows
by Building 429

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

From: http://www.building429.com/media_leadsheets.cfm

The grove.

My feet carry me
to this hidden grove
My heart is in tears as my face smiles, I need to let it out, but I have no time.
I have to run a meeting in less than 30 minutes. I have to be okay this is too personal to talk about. A friend earlier asked me to talk, but I had to prepare, this is my burden. I'm the "leader" of the campus Thomists and we just got formed, its a baby and needs me to feed it. I feed it not from my excess but from my own means. I feed it knowing that
I sacrifice myself.

I stand in the grove listening to praise and worship songs on my mp3 player
The lights from the not so distant buildings and parking lot flood into my sanctuary.
My soul's cathedral.

I'm okay. A song begins to play as my feet start leaving, and I freeze.
I don't like the music so much
But the words pound me,
breaking fast past my sentries heading straight for my heart.
I'm standing.
My ice cream slides out of my hand as I collapse to my heels.
The tears are here.
And I can no longer fight.

He was my dog.
My fat boy, puppy, puppy boy
My footrest, rug and vigilant doorstop.
I loved him.
I grew up with him.
So did my whole family.
He was our brother and our mooch.
And I can't be there.
I can't be there, where families gather to mourn.
I can't.
I'm here.
7pm.

New Blog

I decided to clean up my main blog and my writings blog (I changed it from my theology/philosophy blog to my writings) so I created a new blog that will have drafts and various meanderings of my writtings.

sirhairdrafts.blogspot.com

Its in the process of being developed, so it's a bit ugly... but will look much better soon. Promise.

Edward

He's gone.

My mom just called.

I have absolutely no one to grieve with.

I just discovered another side effect of having a relationship that you expect to go onwards to marriage...

When you expect to give your heart to someone that you love, you guard yourself from relationships that that person might be threatened by, and relationships that your character might be threatened by... e.g., you stop, slow down, or end any relationship you might have with the opposite sex.

Which is great! Because the reward is great as well, and the dignity of the relationship and the other person demands it.

But when its over, you have to start over... finding friends you can call family.

I don't have any.

And my dog's about to die.

And I can't cry with anyone.

I have no one to hold me.

No one to let me cry in their lap...

no one.

I'm evacuated of all family.

An alien in a hospitable, but foriegn land.

Penitens is a smart man...

From Penitens' blog... http://penitens.blogspot.com/
"It is I who have sinned;
it is I, the shepherd, who have done wrong.
But these are sheep; what have they done?
Punish me...

This is not an easy thing to do. Too often we are tempted to shift responsibility or even shift the consequences of our failures onto others. Even David did this: choosing a punishment that impacted the people (pestilence) rather than one that would have threatened him personally (three months of flight from his enemies).

As children and servants of God,
it is important for us
to accept the limits of our control
and to take responsibility,
placing ourselves always in the hands of God:
whose power and mercy are infinite."

Dream Without Limits...Dance Without Cares

Dream Without Limits...Dance Without Cares

I'm EGG-SITED!

This weekend will be a great break from ISU, and it will give me a chance to check out the school I might be going to next year. And have fun with friends and have no obligations at ALL!

And it's ANGEL's 21st!!!!! YAY!!!

I'm EGG-SITED!
(Oh yeah, I'm heading up to Loras this weekend)

What do I want to do?

What do I want to do for the rest of my life, every day... from dawn to dusk... do I really want to be an architect, a theologian, a philosopher????

Graphic design sounds like a lot of fun... but is it too temporary a product for me? today I'm in tomorrow I'm lost?

Freelance writer sounds interesting... I could write about a variety of things from God to my socks... and it'd be fun... but can I sustain the creativity?

I'm a great speaker... at times at least...

I love God...

What can a guy like me do for the rest of their life...

Everyone else seems settled on the thought of being stuck in the same dead end job for the rest of their lives... why cant I just be different... be a modern generalist who impacts and lives in thousands of different worlds?

the dead end job thing has been done before, and no one became rich, and no one felt terribly rewarded... I don't want to live like a drone... mindless... emotionless... I want to LIVE... something few have ever dared to do in the history of mankind... I want to tell the system to back off, stop trying to destroy my heart, stop trying to tame the life within me... stop trying to change me into your pawn for your safe consumption...

I want to live in a way few have dared. I want to BREATHE!

Ora Pro Nobis!

St. Thomas Aquinas' Feast Day is today!

Patron of Chastity, Pray for us!
Patron of Students, Pray for us!
Patron of Theologians, Pray for us!
Patron of Philosophers, Pray for us!
Patron of Manuel (aka. Me), Pray for us!

We've started a Thomist Society at ISU, that had its first meeting this past week, May Thomas ever be our guardian and guide to Jesus.

some links from the Dominicans:
http://www.op.org/domcentral/study/TA.htm

(image from http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=2530)

healing

Saw Kat last night... it was a bit weird... but not very painful, which is a sign that God has been healing me from our relationship.

She seems the same as ever, but more patient and less defensive. She's a nice girl.

I care about her, but she's not for me. That's something we talked about, in all the semi-awkwardness of conversation. She's not what I need, because she's Kat, and I'm not what she needs because I'm Edward. And we both have our problems that frustrate each other.

Tengo el Sicko

(I know that I wrote that wrong)

Anyhow, I'm sick bleh... fever, sinus problems and muscles sore... with random twinges of sharp pain... gah

missed class yesterday, probably will miss class today... gah

sometimes I wish I could leave my body in my bed while I went out and did stuff, like class.

When I see you I see Christ

How often are we told this in sheer humility and amazement?

For some reason I think it should be more often... the last time I remember it, was in May of 2003... what joy has left me? where are my hands of service, my arms of love, my feet missionary, my thoughts humble, my words chosen? I see moments in my past that I identify as moments of grace and my heart is humbled by where I could be had I not struck my sails.

Now as I gradually make sail, I pray that they do not shorten under my weight.

First Spring Semester Snow!

So today was the first snow of spring semester...

last year there was a ton, this year much less so far.

A year ago I ventured forth to Iowa with hopes and reservations, and still a year later I stand around wondering what brought me here. Was it really the girl? Or was it something more...? This last few weeks have seemed to suggest that it was something else that Someone else had planned... I know not what... perhaps its more training for the journey, more subtle chiselling at my soul... and perhaps its more... I have hope still, but my reservations are slowly being dropped. My soul is slowy growing back to the places it used to be, slowly healing to the man I remember, but not the same man... a man wiser, humbler, more aware, and slowly learning to listen to the passage that brought me back to Iowa last semester...

Micah 7:5
Put no trust in a friend, have no confidence in a companion;
Against her who lies in your bosom guard the portals of your mouth.

Slowly learning but hopefully learning nonetheless.

My voice revisited...

So I orginally had the following in word format, but just after I printed it the file was corrupted... luckily I have a SCANNER!!!!! so I was able to scan it... This originally started out as a rehash of the my voice project for my creative non-fiction class... but then it turned into this... this is two of the three paragraphs... the third is not yet complete (third of an anticipated 20+) not that these two paragraphs are finished, but they are basically complete...

YAY! COMPUTER!

So I am finishing up migrating my computer to two new hard drives... After break I brought up an 8GB HD to complement my 40GB HD for extra space, but then I bought a 150 GB at a great deal and then I found an amazing deal on a 250 GB HD... so I traded my 48GBs for my now whopping 400GBs! YAY!

The biggest reason I bought my main HD (the 150) is for stability... I've been having alot of problems with the old HD, so I hope that the new HD wont have the stability problems... and I bought the 250 as a storage/backup drive... cause it was an amazing 50$!

So I had to also buy Windows XP... whcih was 80$ bring up my total to 180$ for new computer parts... but if this thing finally works like a good little computer I'll be happy... and it'll be worth every penny... I used to make about 10$ an hour as a computer consultant... and last semester I put in well over 50 hours... so if this semester my purchases can avoid that work load it'll be worth its weight in gold... and cheaper than my labour!

still a couple things to move over... but most is done!

Biking

So today We went to two spinning classes to start off our training for the summer... we were also supposed to have a meeting about it, but not everyone was available, so I postponed it.

But the classes were good... I pushed myself in both, and especially in the second... Brad's shoe flew out of his clipless pedals a few times, because it was so loose, and I chuckled... only to have mine fly out when we were sprinting against each other... after the second class we did abs and I have a new found respect for women... I was trying to do some of the techniques only to have my back give out in sheer pain... so I either pushed too hard earlier or am just a wuss... I'm taking the second one to be most probable.

But our summer plans are coming along... we have a Dubuque contact as an addition to the group, so we should be able to raise even more money. We're all so excited! It's going to ROCK!

Loras

So I just got an email last night (it was sent yesterday afternoon) that if I had gotten a week and a half ago would have been enough for me to say goodbye to ISU... they guarenteed me $9.ooo minimum in scholarships. which means it would have been $9.000 less than going to ISU and I wouldn't have to be a Resident Assistant. They said I could still come for the spring, but the problem is that if I leave ISU now, I have a 25% penalty fee. Which is $1.300 Hmm...

Maybe I'll have to rethink this... plus I'd be losing my CA benefits (which I might lose anyways...)

I think I'm going to work this one out...

Maybe I will go after all.

class

ah, the beginning of class... this is sure to be interesting... I have to now figure out what classes to take and which to drop... :-)

currently I'm in architecture, physics, poli sci, philosophy, english and religious studies classes... which is basically my BLS degree (minus the english). I have to decide between taking 6, 5 or 4 classes also...

I also have to return 25lbs of books tomorrow... yay fun.

Why did I talk myself out of quitting?

I could be rested, relaxed and prepared for school! And at a retreat right now... but no.

I'm just wondering if I'll quit sometime soon, andI'm trying to assess if I really want to be CA, now that I'm back..

So I decided last night...

An email to my boss:

This has been really agonizing for me to discern, but I feel I have to resign.

What paperwork do I need to do? What do I need to do with housing?

I'll be up there the fourth still to move my stuff into the storage room and
clean out the rest of the room, if thats okay?

Sorry this took so long to figure out.

God bless and keep you!
Edward
Mortem tuam annuntiamus. Domine, et tuam resurrectionem confitemur, donec venias.

as I finished up the email, and prepared to press send, I realised how relieved I was, and how excited I was for the freedom... and decided to give my mind one more chance to change.

So I played the Axis and Allies computer game... which by the way has really really bad AI...

Afterwards, I began to wonder why I wanted to quit... and what I would need to do to replace being a CA... so I made an excel file with all my financial possibilities...
below is a part of the file...


I figured that I'd have to work 30 hours at a job that pays 8$ an hour to even out the whole situation... and if I chose to work only 20 hours as a CA... and made that comittment... I would end up better for the bargin (cause I could also work 10 hours somewhere else ;-) )

So I decided to be an average CA... no more giving it my all. I can't afford it... its too stressful and not worth it. So my house will have to figure out how to self govern or ...?

I guess I'm being taught moderation... Praise God. I'm a bit upset though, because I was invited by a few of my friends to go to Youth 2000 and I really need a retreat... but Kat was going to be there so it would have been awkward trying to evade her.

I guess I'll have to find another retreat to go on... :-\ I really wanted to go on this one though...

I'm humbled by your generosity, and saddened by my ingratitude. Thank you, Lord.

Amazing Grace

Just when I think prayers take time to be answered... God answers mine like lightning... Granting me both understanding and peace, in a time of great turmoil.

Glorious and Praiseworthy is HE!

Things my heart was previously hardened to have now been let in by His grace... things that convict me and will help me to grow for years to come... things that need fixin and things that need lovin...

Praise the Lord God Almighty!

Thank you for the friends you've given me... thank you for your wonders and for your mercy.

The pain is still there... but so is peace. :-)

Yay God!

The first lights of dawn

I think that I'm beginning to see the light of freedom... last night I realised two things, and they are already helping me to be set free.

Brave

Brave
(Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)
For Charlie, who rearranged my fearful heart.

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now, it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I’m spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say your name
Just your name and I’m ready to jump
Even ready to fall…
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I’ve never known a fire that didn’t begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me, that changes everything

©2005 Birdwing Music / Birdboy Songs (ASCAP), admin. by EMI CMG Publishing / Sony/ATV Songs LLC / JohnnyO Music (BMI)
From: http://www.nicholenordeman.com/members/lyrics.aspx

There is no woman for me

I've been thinking... I don't think my "wife" exists now. The woman I've loved for so long seems to fail what I need... she's neither radical in her faith, nor wanting to... she wants only comfort, ease. She's unwilling to step out and trust that God will provide... unwilling to accept that that's the way everyone should be. Unwilling to have the metanoia, the radical shift, the leap of faith required to be a holy one. I want to be a holy one, and I can't get there if I compromise...

She's the closest and most promising candidate, yet she fails and doesn't care. (if she does, she's never cared enough about me to share it.)

God's given me this desire for a beautiful woman who wants to be a saint... why? when even he knows that no woman would ever satisfy that? There's only one I know... and she bore the saviour. She didn't say to God "I don't think you could provide for a family" she said "I trust in you, let Your will be done."

She lived radically... she loved radically... everything I'm doubting anywoman can do, when the very example God sent me and told be with doesn't care, doesn't ...

Lord, you've given me this desire, you've told me what you want... why are you putting me through this? Why are you letting my heart be torn so much? How could I be so foolish as to give her my heart. Why did I even bother? Why do I obey you when it causes me so much pain?

If cursing her or you would help, I would curse, at least then I could release this pain... but cursing would only curse myself, and greater pain would follow.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. She doesn't care. So talking doesn't help... she doesn't hurt.
She must never have loved me the way I love her.

And that hurts even more. Wondering when her heart went cold... how long ago?

Its funny, cause just when her family is more open to me, she closes off.

I have little doubt its from her friends... she values them much more than me... she has, since I encouraged her to meet them. It feels like she's turned them into idols... trusting their thoughts over God. But I don't know, because she has never opened up to me and told me her thoughts, told me what motivates her, she's never had a relationship with me since they came into the picture. She never put forth the effort she said she would... she's never made true on her promises, on the compromises we made. She'd ask me to a concert and then uninvite me because its now a girl thing. She did that for several things. She treats me like an expendable fringe friend, even when we dated. And she's the one YOU told me to pursue.

She wonders why I get so frustrated with her... when all I've wanted was to get to know her, she hasn't let me in.

I'm tired of compromise.

A search for excellence is an inadequate approach to God, leaving us vulnerable to snare after snare. Our only hope is obedience.
Fred Stoeker

Most people see excellence as something to be attained, a goal in itself, the comfortable place where they've gone beyond what others do, and feel that's enough.

The I'm a good person syndrome that permits them to not seek perfection, that permits them not to be RADICAL.

My faith has always been radical, I've always wanted perfection, but I've surrounded myself with people that compromise, and slowly that's become what I've desired, as I've desired their friendship. But enough is enough! My Lord was radical, and so must I be. Perfection is my goal, and nothing must stand in the way.

No compromise, for the sake of someone else's "happiness" is worth my soul, or theirs, regardless of what they think...

I'm done being an agent of Satan... I'm done with the compromise of excellence... I want the radical perfection of Christ, and obedience to His will.

lately

I've been realising that the reason I've met so many women is not just because I want to find what I want in a wife, but because I have a void that I want filled, a void I'm afraid to look at, or bear. A void that was created by me emptying myself out to Kat, by having a relationship that I expected to go much further.

I need to be careful that I don't fill it with something I don't want, and I need to ensure it is not what drives me to meet others. And I need to bring my heart back to the place where it's a peace, back to where a woman can not hurt me as easily as she can... back to the place that provides the best view of choosing a wife. Back to the place where I can choose which woman I will give my heart, the power to hurt me, and know that she will guard that possession with all her life, willing to go beyond herself to avoid hurting me, willing to love me.

How does one speak

to a person so hard hearted so illogical that the person has complete faith in their own reason? that no one can show how blind he is even to things as simple as philosophy? to things as simple as the idea that the world can not solely be explained by science... a person so deranged that to him science is all there is in the world, and science can explain everything? a blindness that refutes all argumentation as trash that doesnt matter? a blindness that accepts a metaphysical stance, but denies metaphysics? God knows I'm blind, God knows I'm a sinner... and I know that I have weakness beyond belief, but how does one speak to a person so full of themselves that they are right, and you are talking nonsense?

I don't know what to say

one of my friends is the leader of a group called "Atheist Agenda" which would be best described as a militant and evangelical student group.

Aparently his group has held a "smut for smut" which exchanges porn for bibles...

and he plans to do something horrendous at the same time as the pro-life group will be holding their display at UTSA, though I disagree with the cut up fetuses that the group will display photos of, and think that's itself a violence to humanity, I am even more horrified and troubled by what his group will do... please pray that his plans fall through... and pray for his conversion... it saddens my heart greatly... and its so offensive that I will not write specifics about it. It's most likely legal, but still absolutely horrid, distasteful, and painful to bear.

Christmas Game night

so we have this tradition in my family that we play games every christmas night with guys vs girls...

and many many times the girls have lost... horribly... and the guys have yet to lose

until this one...
well sorta

In one game, the guys were halfway to the end when the girls got to the final phase, but the guys caught up to only lose by one turn... (one of the guys forgot that pistachio starts with a P...) (it was cranium turbo edition)

so we lost one game
then we dominated the second...
Mad gab

so the guys have still yet to lose a game night
and our complete domination is now slightly compromised.

Gah... it was all because they had a smart girl this time... one of my cousin's friends. Yah, thats it... ;-)

so I get this alot...

you're not stable enough for the future, you'd not be a good husband because you're not ambitious enough, I don't think you could provide for a family.

and my constant reply has been, but I trust God, and will be faithful to his call...

yet they don't believe me. they don't trust God enough or at least trust that I trust God enough to be faithful... and it frustrates me to no end... a holy woman telling me that being faithful and trusting in God is not enough... its painful to me, as I frankly love this woman very much, and that she is unwilling to see that all you need is faith in God, and cooperate with His will and everything will be perfectly okay... she just doesnt trust enough. She still thinks she has to be in control, she has to ensure her happiness, regardless of what God wants, she knows what's best. (and by extension anyone who is worth anything must always be in control of their life... must always ensure their own happiness, regardless of God's will, because as the argument goes, God wants us to be happy... my reply being yes, yes He does, but only He knows what will make us happy, we don't always see clearly, so we must trust and be faithful.)

She I doubt would recognise this in herself, but that's part of the pain... she's unwilling to be introspective about her motivations... unwilling to care... getting caught up in the social groups that she's part of, either her family or friends. and incorporating their views into hers without much criticism or discernment.

The other day I was reading and I fell across this quote, by one of her favourite Saints (to be).

"I do not have to be successful, I have to be faithful." ~Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

Perhaps Theresa C can work a miracle for me...

I'm not fully in control of my life, and I'm happier that way... much less to worry about, but its also led to much more heartache... heartache I wish could have been avoided, pain I wish I never had experienced, as it seemed like the pain of banging my head repeatedly against a wall of thorns... seemingly going nowhere. BUT I know it was God's will that I continued and gave every chance, gave my whole, though I wish/wished so much that she would have given everything as well, instead of being so fearful of trusting God, so fearful of letting go of her "happiness" in favour of His happiness... who knows if it would have ended any later or earlier, but I'm sure it would have ended better and the pain and frustration would have been much less.

Break!

So I'm finally heading home! And break sweet break is here!
I took me forever to get done with classes (finished a paper at like 4am saturday)
so now I get to go to the airport and wait for 5 hours :-/
good thing I have a few books I wanted to read.

Leaving on a jet plane...?

The following is from sunday after/during mass
----------
Thoughts in mass:

"I have given my best and it has destroyed me.

Kat and I are over, my grades in shambles, (is) my lord Calling (?)

Is the prophecy being complete,
Are you aiding my discernment?
I cry in mass wondering if this is my last?
Relieved that my heart is free."

Lord, I believe you are talking to me right now... speak more clearly, if you want me to leave, I've given you a path I will abide by. Make it happen if you want me to leave. Otherwise, I will stay, though I will also resign.
1047am 12.11.5
-----
brief explanation:
I came back up to iowa to complete what God had called me to, and now it might be completed.
And perhaps God is calling me back to Lousiana.

Scanner

So I bought a scanner the other day and I'm very happy :-) Its really nice to have so I can scan my drawings in.
This is my first scan!I'm going to do all of my sketch books and put them online on my website (http://www.public.iastate.edu/~sirhair)
So friends can flip through them :-)

Praise God almighty!

Lyon Hall

So I can't help but walk around outside with a huge grin on my face...
His creation is so amazing, and His plan for me so reassuring, how can I not walk as a child confident in my Father?

Oh so wonderful!