Oft-times a haircut means a change in a person...

and sometimes the saying is right.

I made a vow and I cut my hair. Go figure. Acts 18 and Numbers 6 explain a little about the haircut... though its not for the same reasons (perhaps similar, but not exactly).

My hair just after my last shower with it... (I'm wearing a garland because somebody had a birthday at the computer store, and the owner bought everyone, circa 20 people, garlands to celebrate).
The photographer for the event, Renata the Croat. (They aparently don't call themselves Croatian or Croat, but Some word with an 'H'). (She's also on shore leave from the Hospital... they wouldn't let her out because they want to make more money... so she got a day pass...)
The Butcher and Victim... ;-)
Prep work...
The first cut.
And...
The final product.
A proud Sister and Stylist.
A group in awe at the change.

A well deserved meal (it wasn't as good as the Afghani Chicken, but still better than most of the food I've been eating lately).

Oh and Hettie's a Lush.

By the way I grabed a hair band as I was leaving for dinner and had to make a conscious effort to put it down, which didn't work until I argued to myself that my hair was cut and thus didn't need it. Also, I miss the easy access to floss.

Satan's a fool

So I've had much time to see Satan attacking the work of God here in India...

If you ever come here to Kolkata, just come to one of the Adorations or Masses in the Chapel of the Mother House... you'll discover how Satan tries everything he can to disrupt the Sisters and the Volunteers... and you'll also discover that despite his yelling, the Sisters remain focused on God.

The Chapel you see is right next to one of the loudest roads in Kolkata, and hearing someone 10 feet from you who is not yelling is a difficulty that can astonish any visitor. But despite the constant noise (that seems to peak around adoration time and mass time) the Sisters and volunteers pray, without raising their voices, in unison. A task I didn't think possible until I saw it.

Now when I pray, I actually think the room is silent. I barely if ever notice the noise, because of the focus God graces the Chapel with.

Satan also tries various other attacks... though from my experience they're quite unsuccessful in general.

Run away, Retreat!! Retreat!! Don't go on Retreat!!

Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains, and let the hills hear your voice!

Micah 6:1

So this past week I head up on a train to Siliguri, and then onwards to my retreat in Kurseong (3/4ths of the way up the mountain to Darjeeling). Luckily the Lord had given me the above verse, just before I left. I think He forsaw the struggle in my soul.

During the train ride, I began to doubt if I was supposed to go to a retreat. And I really wanted to go to Darjeeling with the group. I began to question if I should go to retreat, or just call it off, and hang out with the group.


Everything in my soul seemed against going to the retreat.


But one thing kept ringing in my head... present your plea before the mountains.

Then we got off the train and into the Sumo (a 10 person taxi-jeep) and started to head up the mountain. And my soul struggled more and more. "Why am I going to a retreat? The priest isn't even going to be there! I should go to Darjeeling and hangout."

But the voice kept repeating. Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains.

Yet the further up the mountain, the more my soul struggled, the more I felt oppressed. The more I hated to leave the group, the more I doubted. The more I called my self selfish and greedy for going on a retreat. The more I had to restrain myself from telling the driver to just go to Darjeeling.


Then I got out of the Taxi... they said it was Goethals... It wasn't. But luckily my few words of Hindi came in handy. "Kaha Goethals sei?" I said to a man descending a hill. He said 30 minutes up the mountain more. I was about to walk it, but he said to use the Taxi. I doubted it would be cheap, but it turned out to be only 10 rps.


The moment I got into the second Taxi, the moment I had fully committed to going to the retreat, the burden lifted from my soul. And joy began to swell up in my heart.


The moment I walked through the gate, a wave of peace washed over me and I knew this was where I was supposed to be. And I thanked the Lord for seeing the struggle and answering my prayers even before I knew I needed to pray.


The funny thing about the verse, was that it was the only one I had read out of my bible in a few weeks (outside of mass readings). I find that in times of great trial or in other times where God wants me to be reassured that a Word is from Him, He does this to me. He has me open the bible and immediately happen upon a verse that rings true in my soul... each time the verse has something very specific about my situation. And each time, following the Word brings great fruit.

images

Blog broke

So my blog broke and I lost alot of the template, so I took the opportunity to change it up a bit... hopefully I put everything back... but I'm sure I'll remember some details I need to add later.

Only Hope.

Only Hope by Caedmon's Call
-----------------------------
Depth of mercy can there be
Mercy still reserved for me
Can my God, your wrath forebear
Me the chief of sinners, spare

Chorus
It's my only hope
You're my only hope
It's my only hope of Heaven
At the cross forgiven

I have long withstood your grace
Long provoked you to your face
Would not harken to your calls
Grieved you by a thousand falls

(Chorus)

There for me the Savior stands
Shows his wounds and spreads His hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah I'm undone

Depth of mercy, vast and free
So much deeper than the sea
God of love, you heard my cry
Now into your open arms I fly

(Chorus)
---------------------
I don't know how to explain what is happening in my soul... but this song is perhaps a good start.

My prayers feel dry, but at the very same time I know I'm growing in faith. I know that my dedication is being rewarded by my King.

I know my darkness, and I'm dumbfounded by His Divine Mercy.

When the light shines, the shadows fall in a persons eyes. And the darkness in which they dwell is more evident. And as I've been sitting in Adoration with the Son exposed, the Light has been showing me the darkness that I wrestle with. And though I struggle, my Only Hope will redeem me and conquer the darkness for me. So long as I'm willing to sit in His rays and be Sonburned.

He wants you and me to be a great Saint, and I'm trying to lay down my life, that He may shine. I'm tired of not being the Saint He wants.

Lady Poverty

So I've been trying to reduce my clothing to two days worth, as a chosen poverty. So far I've only had a few issues... mostly concerning figuring out that I have to wash clothes every day. Which I now do in the shower every night. Its a bit freeing to have only two sets of clothes... but also a bit embarrassing at times, especially as I've chosen "poor peoples" clothes as my two sets (longhies and kurtas).

Though I still have several other luxuries. I have an mp3 player that I'd hate to part with, but could... I love that it brings me quickly into prayer... the music I have on it is exclusively Christian, which has been the staple of my auditory diet for years now. I also have a camera and voice recorder... both of which are for class, sponsor and personal use so I don't feel too guilty about them. Other than that, I carry two notebooks (a journal and a note taking notebook), my epipens, my inhalers, keys, watch(which I could really do without and would not mind losing), two pens, a liter of water, a devotional book to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a carabiner, a rosary, a rubber band (from take-away dinner last night), antibiotics (ciprofloxacin, I take one daily now...), a book I'm finishing reading on padre pio and a change purse with 282 rps and a reciept from my midmorning snack for 14 rps.

I also make use of a sheet, blanket, Shorter Christian Prayer book (divine office/liturgy of the hours), and contacts everyday.

So yes, I'm still living in mostly luxury, but right now I feel more called to embrace my health than to have even less...

I plan on sending a package back home soon with the majority of stuff I brought (minus all the med supplies). And maybe I'll finally send the package I've been meaning to send for over a month now...

Waiting

"my soul is waiting for the Lord, I count on his word. My
soul is longing for the Lord more than watchmen for daybreak."
psalm 130

I'm in the midst of petitioning an answer from God. I know He'll answer me, but I still long for His word. Because once He tells me, I can know what He wants, and once I know, I can go. In the meantime I wait patiently, longingly, lovingly for His nod.

Break

Sometimes I feel guilty about taking today off... but then I remember why.

My mind needs a break...

Yesterday I saw something that may haunt my memory every time I think of Calcutta, see a wound, a shin, kneel or see dirty white yarn. Amongst other possible memory triggers.

Some things are so horrific you can't help but have a minor psychological trauma attached.

Somethings are so bizzare that you wonder if they really existed.

It's one thing to see a fresh massive trauma in the USA, something that though I've never seen, I think I could now handle.

On a more cheerful note, I've been growing a fondness for bannanas and cornflakes... since they're exceptionally unoffensive to my stomach. And usually rather tasty.

I was eating Cornflakes and mango, but I think mango is acidic and lately I've been having some acid problems in my stomach... so I'm trying to cut as much out as possible.

I'm hoping to go buy a Churta (spelling?) or two... they're lightweight shirts, and currently my shirts are tearing or really really hot... so I need new ones for my health/covering my body needs.

New Book

I found this cool little Catholic shop near the Mother house, and the other day I was browsing their stock and found a gem!

St. Faustina's Diary!!
I'm so excited!

It was really cheap (210 rps new... which is roughly $4.50) so I purchased it... why? because I had listened to one of Fr. Stan's Podcasts Called "Conquered by Meekness" (A podcast is basically a blog made with audio files instead of text). The words I heard were incredibly beautiful and touching. Especially entry #1685... (you'll have to listen to it or buy the book to find out what the entry is!)

I also think I'm going to raid the catholic bookstores around here before I go back to the USA... get some really amazing books brand new for really really cheap.

I'm the king of the world!!!

This proves it...

Edward Aquinas Manuel Alonzo, III
~~Rex Imperator ~~

Novenas

So I've been praying to find out where I'm supposed to be in the fall... I was pretty sure I knew, but a few opportunities showed that I needed to discern.

So I prayed a novena to Blessed Teresa of Calcutta... I didn't get any answers, but I prayed it again and again. (And I'll probably continue to pray it while I'm here).

I didn't really give any specifics on how God could tell me His will on the first Novena, but on the second and third, I said "I'm going to NYC, if You want to tell me where You want me to go, give me a red rose for NYC (big apple), a white/green rose for Ireland, and a yellow or orange rose for India."

Then on the third novena, somewhere around the sixth day it was the feast of the Holy Trinity... and I got my answer in the form of three roses, one was given directly to me, and one was given to each of my companions... they were all red...

So no fear that I'll stay here... or go to Ireland.

You can find the novena on the http://motherteresa.org/ website under prayer and then novena.

Pain

last night my eye got worse... so bad that any light on it caused great pain... even light shinning into my left eye (that wasn't irritated) would cause pain in my right (I figured how this worked this morning... if one pupil dialates the other tries to as well...)

And headlights and artificial light hurt most (flourescent was the worst).

Even if my eyes were closed, and a light shined on my face, I'd have pain in direct proportion to it's intensity... so a really bright headlight would be a large dagger being thrust into my eye socket.

Everyone wanted to help and everyone was concerned... but after the 10th (litterally around 30-40 people asked me) person asking me what's wrong, trying to help, offering their oppinion, the throbbing pains not being helped, and my stomach still growling, I got rather irritable.

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't suffer pain very well at all. Instead of finding joy in all things, pain makes me want to kill the next person to ask what's wrong. Well maybe not kill or even maim, but somewhere approaching yelling.

This is definitely something I need to work on.

Where I'm from...

States I've lived for at least a month (I'll be in NY this coming fall)


create your own visited states map


States I've visited... I've probably visited more on the east coast, but I'll hold out on changing the picture until the fall... thats when I'll definately have done them all...


create your own visited states map

Congrats lil sis

So today my little sister graduates High School and gets confirmed...
I'm proud of you!
Congratulations Brittany, I love you.

Three cheesy jokes

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese.
(courtesy of my little sister Brittany)

What do you call cheese that you eat when you're sneezing?
Na-Aa-achooo cheese.
(courtesy of Frederik, in response to Brittany's joke)

Readings

A Calcutta street at night

Tomorrow is a reading holiday! (well its our day off, so I'm going to read.)

Right now I'm working on two books... Story of a Soul (autobiography of st. therese of liseux) and a doctor at calvary. Both are books that I recommend, though Story of a Soul is a MUST (i've only read the first half of the first chapter and I LOVE IT). Doctor at Calvary is at first a bit scientific, but it rapidly evokes great beauty that even brought pope Benedict XV (or Pius something or other) to tears after reading one paragraph.

Howra bridge

My knee is doing well... a bit pained, but Sister gave me some chemical cold packs to use... and hopefully it will get me back to work on friday, or maybe God will provide another secret mission, like He did today. :-) I do like how He finds ways for even those of us who aren't fully functional to serve Him. (He actually gave me two missions, both of which no one else will know until heaven. So don't try to figure them out. ;-) )

God is Good! (And He makes me smile ;-) )

silent trembling: Lead on.

I really like this poem from:
silent trembling: Lead on.

Lead on.

Looking in your eyes
I know I've done something wrong.
But I won't let on.
I won't let on.

I've hurt you, and you don't know
you can't imagine
You're darling to my heart
and I've done something wrong.
so I won't let on,
I won't let on.

I don't know yet how to fix this
I don't know yet what I'll do
I don't know yet what to tell you.
but I've done something wrong.
So I won't let on,
I won't let on.

Let me sit here, beneath your cross
beneath the blood stains that purify
let me sit here and understand
all that I did,
let me understand.
Let me sit.
because I've done something wrong
and I won't let on,
I won't let on.

So I was helping...

One of my assignments at the motherhouse yesterday was to set up a type of written book checkout system for the volunteers... while going through the books and writting down their titles and their number, I came across "E 64 St. Maximilian Kolbe: Saint of Auschwitz", and though the Sister had already suggested I read Story of a Soul, I also picked up this one.

The book is amazing and many times I felt completely overcome by Christ's love and Mary's love... I read the first half in my room under a nice fan (after taking a shower) and the second half I read at JoJo's a restaurant/juice shop right near my house that has fans and moderate A/C.

During the second half I found myself with my head down often hiding the overwhelming tears that come from seeing something beautiful.

St. Maximilian Kolbe offered to take the place of another inmate who had been chosen to die of starvation (10 had been chosen to die of starvation and dehydration in retalliation for the escape of another inmate). The inmate whom St. Maximilian Kolbe replaced, had a family.

Though suffering from TB and other maladies, St. Maximilian Kolbe was one of the last four alive after two weeks of starvation, and the only one concious and sitting up. On August 14th, 1941, the cell had to be prepared for another group set to die the same fate. A doctor entered and delivered a leathal dose of carbolic acid to the four inmates.

Faustina and Fortuna

I was listening to Fr. Stan's website... and I heard this...
"Where there is pride, I am not there." ~God to Faustina (#1563)

"My daughter, your struggle will last until death. Your last breath will mark its end. You shall conquer by meekness." #1597

"Entrust everything to me, and do nothing on your own, and you will always have great freedom. This is the fruit of the surrender, because then He will exalt you in due time. No circumstances or events will be able to upset you. Set little store on what people say. Let everyone judge you as they like. Let your spirit rise above all that. Set free from everything, rest close to my heart."#1685

"learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves." Mt 11:29

"To live is to annoy, to live is to be annoyed. " #82 of Fr. Stan's notes. CFR 06 LR (Annual CFR retreat 2006)

"Good people shinning their light are sickening. Humility: Good people getting better let their light shine." #49

Choice of Service

If you had no choice but to serve would you?

It's odd, but I feel like I'm in that place, though it's not as restricted as it sounds, I actually feel freer than I've ever felt.

I have no choice but to serve my God. He's been gracious to me and shown His faithfulness countless times each day. My options are simple. His life or my death.

And to me there seems no choice. His life is so much more amazing than my death. The death that comes from the inward darkness that spoils all goodness (concupiscence).

So every morning I wake to my alarm at 430, and though I do snooze a few times, I pick myself up out of bed and prepare myself for the day. Knowing that if I don't serve, there will be two hands and feet less to care for these people, to care for Christ. And that's not something I'm willing to be responsible for.

And every night I walk for about an hour just to spend an hour in Adoration and thanksgiving of His greatness... it's a selfish time, where I get to spend a quite space with my Love. Just staring at Him, sitting with Him, listening to His breath. Its the time I draw nearer my love and He draws nearer to me... a time not spoilt by doing, but enhanced by being. (I like to run to Him sometimes, and steal a few extra minutes in His embrace). If only I was called to be a hermit.

two humbling experiences...

Being called prayerful by someone you consider prayerful.
Being told you did good when you know it was only God and that you did nothing.

Vocare (Latin for "to call")

Why does the Lord choose us?
What have we to offer infinite goodness?
When I think of His mercy and desire for me, I'm unable to speak. I just have to sit and write.
I can't express with words or unexpressible groanings what I feel. The closest would be overwhelming tears welling up inside from joy and sorrow.
But even that doesn't convey it. But I imagine that everyone knows this feeling even if we can't express it. The feeling of being overwhelmed by God (even if we don't know that's what it is).

I'm selfish, weak, poor and greedy.
What have I to offer infinite goodness?

Song

I really like this song Vincible from Sonar (a group that plays at Stuebenville youth conferences)
It's so amazing and powerful. And the last line is so overwhelming in the song.

"Hurry up and place your bets and jokey for your position
this race has begun in the journey of life"
I said "please mister auctioneer give me a minute
To figure out just what it is that I want to buy

But if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

I swear I think I've tried all the gimmicks
And each one of them kept working to no avail
And even this ladder I've built
has been crushed by the weight of my ambition

And I'll build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing
I stumble on my own feet
With out you I am nothing
and I don't have the air to breath
With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing

cause if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing

Without you. I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing.

Tedium

I feel the tedium setting in, the daily grind, the struggle to embrace the call when it's no longer fantastic and new, but when it's become familiar. This is the struggle that everyone has, where ever you are. But daily I'm renewed in Christ, and all I can do is offer my desire to relax and remember that my vocation is to serve my Lord... and such a wonderful Lord deserves gratitude from His servants. He deserves my willingness to embrace the dying, to feed, clothe, massage Him in them and they in Him.

But its so hard when I catch a breather to find a pace that will sustain my enthusiasm and also that leads me daily to sacrifice myself more and more.

Lord Jesus Christ, Guide me in serving your people. Help me to overcome myself and embrace you in thanksgiving. Amen.

Cleanliness

Removed and Reposted on Faith or Bust

Oh...

oh and I might be helping out with some retreats... more information to follow... one will be for youth and another I can't really talk about yet... but it's pretty cool if I do get to work with them! (sister asked me to help...).

Kat's in India...

So yesterday on a day I wasn't supposed to go to orientation (supposed to be this past monday but got stuck in howra across the river) in a month I wasn't supposed to be in Calcutta (supposed to be in Darmasala or elsewhere) . I bumped into Kat.

I was early and talking with one of the lead guys when I heard some girls sign in. I turned and looked saw some americans and then was about to turn back when I thought I recognised one... I said Kat? and without turning she said Yup. or something like that... the rest of the time she pretty much ignored me and her friend kim pretty much tried politely to direct questions to others but not to me. So It's odd... but c'est la vie. I'll still say hi when I see her. It was good to see her.

Jury duty

Got called up for Jury duty... I'm in India... and also in school... funny...

also just checked my grades and... I got two A-, 1 B, and 1 C- (I didn't turn a paper in due to time constraints and my last few hell weeks at school). So now my GPA dropped to 3.52 but that's still good... and still qualifies me for graduating with honors I believe.

Update

Quick update... I got sick from one of the immunizations and am not yet fully recovered (though I'd place myself circa 85-95% at any given moment.)

Been busy like crazy... Even after writting two papers this past week (and working on others), I have a todo list of 7 papers (two of which are a series of three essays, and three of which are 10 page papers, one final to study for (I decided to drop one of my other finals as it could only marginally increase my grade) and I also have to write a proposal for one of my Independent studies in India... all this week In addition to friday being booked every fifteen minutes from 7am-9pm with checkouts and saturday from 7am-3pm (though not solid on saturday), moving myself out, adding two degree plans, having an appointment with Financial aid, and doing various sundry items for the India trip that have to be done this week...

But things are plugging along... most stuff is done for India, so things that don't have to be done by the end of this week can wait...

My friend Adrienne Sampson told me to think of it this way... in a week it HAS to be done with... so one way or the other it's going to be done. And that's okay.

Breakfast

:-) YUMMY! (and pretty too)

(the "table" aka cooler is set with bread, strawberries, an orange, honey, brie, and irish cheddar.)

Sickness

The fever just broke from getting my immunization shot... I think it was the polio that made me sick... though it could've been the pneumonia... but it definitely wasn't the tetanus. That arm is feeling fine... its the other one that's in large amounts of pain...

I was out for all of yesterday and since the evening of the day before (I only woke up to go to pray with Brendan.)

Well I'm getting better now, so praise God!

Keybox

Student Death

so student death has something that really really ROCKS!

Their traveler's nurse and program is fantastic and from what I can tell very very thorough.

KUDOS to student death for promoting life in a fantastic manner!

If you ever plan to travel outside of the US, go to student death 3-4 months in advance and ask about the travelers program to ensure you get the full immunization plans. (else they'll just have to make due with the time they have, and you won't be able to get the longer regimens)

pretty

flowers

I got flowers today!
Easter lilies in fact!

I discovered them outside my door on my way back from scuttling to the restroom this morning... they apparently had been left outside the door of my room sometime in the morning...

And I THOUGHT I knew who gave them to me... so I thanked her... turns out it wasn't her... so all day I was trying to figure out who it was... It could be ... but that would be drama... or it could be... hmm...

Then finally after asking a few friends I decided to ask one of my best friends here... and yup it was her! Thank you Holly! I love the Flowers!!!

The first picture of my new camera!

So I got an award tonight...

The award is for "Student Change Agent of the Year"

The award itself is not really of import to me, as truly it is not I that changed anything.

What's important is that it might have opened up a new group of people for Faith or Bust. Many of those are very important people in the ISU hierarchy

An opportunity pointed out to me by my old advisor.

May God bless what ever may come.

want 600$?

check this site out...
http://www.internetopiniongroup.com/product_detail.jsp?product_id=4927&bid=3

if you want to try for 800$ use this one...
http://www.internetopiniongroup.com/landings/iog_template_06.jsp?product_id=4928&pid=1844165779&cid=670803&lid=1108

So lemme esplain...

I've actually completed the process... and got a $600 visa gift card... no not a bike but the bike's value on a gift card... if you read the rules and follow them... not fearful to pester when things dont update on time, you should get your gift card and spend it within the span of one semester... and it actually takes minmal work, just diligence and you can choose programs that are free and useful like a free trial at Blockbuster or the like... just make sure you drop the free trial before your credit card gets charged.

Gerber Knives

So we were looking at knives... as we might purchase a quality low cost one for our trip... and we came across this... Gerber's new Campaign... The first one is pretty funny... the rest moderately so. And they have a efw more.
http://www.gerbergear.com/

Concert

So I'm one of two RAs for Freeman Hall... and last night was the Freeman Spring Concert which had the bands:

Plain white T's
Lucky Boy's Confusion
Tub Ring
Envy Corps
Stuck with Arthur
Sweet Afton

I never heard any of them before, but they ROCKED! It was a blast.

My Hall puts on this concert with our Alumni Committee (yeah my hall has an Alumni association! Its new this year, but will probably keep on keepin on)

And we all helped out with the concert, we had an Exec. Council which did most of the planning and the rest of us helped where we could in the planning but mostly helped in volunteering to staff it. I helped out at the last minute, but (partly because the guys knew me a little and I was the RA) was quickly put to work... I got to hang out with the bands in the Green room, and LBC (lucky boys confusion) lead Stubhy said he'd help me out with info on India... he was really chill and excited to help... he also gave me some ideas about getting a cell over in india, or a sidekick.

After being general "event staff" for a bit, I ended up gurading one of the backstage entrances and was shifted to security (so I got a security shirt too) and that was fun... I was eventually relieved and put up on barracade duty (at the front of the stage) and helped pull down crowd surfers to safety (if we didnt they'd get head dropped right after the barracades). The a whole group of us went crowd surfing as well (my first time, and we took off our staff shirts first ;-) ) it pretty much rocked and the music was awesome...

And I think I like crowd surfing alot... but I'd probably not do it anywhere else as there, I knew what was happening and where the crowd would keep you up and where they'd drop you. (since I saw if from security's perspective.)

Stuck with Arthur was really nice too! I chilled with their Merch girl (who is dating the drummer, I think).

The bands were really cool.

I also got some trinkets from the show... two set lists from Plain White T's, a set list from Stuck with Arthur, a drum stick that was left on the stage, a drum stick head that broke off while one of the bands was playing and a whole assortment of 5 picks...

All in all I was really impressed by how my guys helped put this thing on!

Embarrassing

I just had a very humbling experience.

We just had a workshop in my Creative Nonfiction class

Where we all had anonymously written book proposals

We voted for the top 3 and mine came in fourth, by one vote.

#4 had 6 votes #3 had 7 #2 had 7 and # 1 had 12 (out of a max of 16)

After voting our pieces were still anonymous and everyone was trying to figure out whose was whose?

Everyone kept saying that #1 (about harvesting your crops and writing a diary and cook book) must be mine, because it was so well written and “really good”.

It wasn’t and mine was in my view a distant distant fourth to the writing.

I didn’t even follow the directions correctly and I came in fourth… even if I had followed correctly, I still would’ve paled to the Harvest.

It’s humbling for others to think you so great that you wrote something so good.

And more humbling to know you could never.

Updates...

I now have an events calendar at the bottom of my page.

Also two new blogs are now going public!

For my trip to India this summer:
http://faithorbust.blogspot.com

For my trip to NYC this next year:
http://faithorbustNYC.blogspot.com

Just breathe

I just realised I have 5 weeks left to get stuff done... and I have more than 5 wks worth of work to do... and then I also have the india trip and the NYC stuff... OH GOD!

So universal

So I used to really love Sinead O'Connor's music... and today I finally listened to my old CD... and all I gots ta say is wow... I still love her music... only now I understand the words I once thought I understood...

Funny how pain is so universal.

The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance
This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love

Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalise the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

New Wallpaper

From: http://www.marian.org/divinemercy/desk/hyla_l.html

others available from: http://www.marian.org/divinemercy/desktops.html

Humbling...

Sorry if it seems like I've talked a lot. Its really great to hear from you. If I never said thank you, I'd like to say it now. You are the one who really helped me begin on this journey following Christ. I think it started with the first time I went on Quest, and then Steubenville, and then the Youth Ministry. Even though you're gone, I still look up to you as a role model. You are really a great person, and I hope you know that. So thank you for everything.

One of my guys from when I was a youth minister in San Antonio wrote this to me... its funny, because I felt so broken when I worked as a youth minister... and so useless and so horrible at the job. I've said many times that that was the job I failed most at... the job that I could have done so much more or just been adequate, but instead I just failed.

And then to get a letter from one of the youth saying thanks, and how I let Christ shine just enough to change him... it humbles me to realise how only Christ could have done it... because I certainly couldn't.

Thank you Lord, for letting me let you Shine.

Don't Miss the Sights of New Orleans!

(below are two journal entries from N.O.)

535pm 3.13.6

New Orleans is Devastated. Whole communities destroyed, everywhere tent cities, trailer parks and refugee camps. N.O.L.A. is destroyed.

Orange and black spray paint testify, NOPD, No Entry, Unsafe. 25 fish, 1 Crab, Dead Dog. Dead. The last is the worst. Dead. No longer animal life searched out by the SPCA… human. A simple word spray painted with a shivering hand. How can this be? D-E-A- my God! D.

How can any one person experience this whole. I’ve seen parts I’ve seen waterlines from 3 feet to over a roof… houses on houses. Houses on cars. Four houses from different blocks now one. Now sharing walls. Red fading into wood and white trim into blue; fading into wood and white trim, into pink; fading into wood and white trim, into pistachio. Chunks of metal formerly known by families as vans. Warehouses flattened. Black mold swarming white sheet rock. Refrigerators that must be duct tapped and sealed. DON’T OPEN THEM –EVER.

Everything Out. Down to the studs. All walls except exterior – out. Axes, sledgehammers, crowbars and boots. Kicking them in can be easiest… except on plaster and slats. Push on through to the other side, warn them first, fogged goggles and change your mask frequently. Drink water and breath fresh air then look next door and realize you’re surrounded.

A dead city. With pockets of life. Our camp is luxury – a better bed than my dorm, maybe not by looks, but by comfort. Better food and warm showers, generators, AC and flushing toilets. Most people have water now… maybe not power but water. Few street lights work from damage or odd traffic patterns, they now flash Red-Red – Red. Welcome to NOLA.

1146pm
We drove through the 9^th ward looking at the devastation of blocks and blocks of neighborhood. Houses in the middle of roads, cars flipped on top of others. Sheer unadulterated devastation. “Wherever you are.” “What?” “Oh?” I realized no one would understand that phrase. “I was thinking about a major disaster and wondering ‘where do you start?’ It’s overwhelming. But ‘Where do you start?’ wherever you are.” You have to. You pick up the sledgehammer, the broom. You pickup the body bags, the fridges. You pickup the rubble that obstructs your path. You pick it up. You pick up your pen and write a check. Where do you start? Wherever you are.

ACCEPTED!!!

May God Bless me on my journey!!!

Next year

so its confirmed... at 325ish today... I am going to New York next year... it seems odd...

I usually have a sense of completion when I leave a place... but here I'm leaving and I feel its incomplete... but I have to leave.

I can't stay here any longer, I've given my all, I've run the race, and the race has moved to another place. but the laurels here seem to be unwon... and unwinnable by anyone... I just wish I knew what they were.

I'm leaving a part of my life... a not so bad part. But a part that just stopped.

I have to go.

START SPREADING THE NEWS!

(photo from: http://www.nyctourist.com/liberty1.htm)

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it - new york, new york
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it - in old new york
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - new york, new york

New york, new york
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find I'm a number one top of the list, king of the hill
A number one

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old new york
And if I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere

It up to you - new york new york

New york

Government Summons for Court

So I just got back from New Orleans Louisiana (NOLA, or N'awlins for short)...

And I go to work today and find a priority mail envelope for me from
U.S. Government Official Mail
365 Canal Street, Suite 1300
New Orleans, LA 70130

And I'm trying to figure out what I did or why the heck the Gov't is contacting me...

so i dont want to open it... (who would)... but I bite the bullet and open it... and its just what I expected...

well not really.

it was my PASSPORT!!! YAY!
Now I've got to get my VISAs!

You can never imagine the Horror

of driving in New Orleans.

of looking at devastated houses.

of looking at waterlines stained on sides of buildings, higher than your head.

of looking at cryptic codes spraypainted on doors from the first responders.

of knowing that NJ means the New Jersey National Guard searched this house

of knowing that an NE means No Entry, they had no reason to.

of knowing that a zero on the bottom means I could breath again.

of wincing at every house

of not wanting to look, but with a soul crying out, wanting to know the story of these people.

of driving down street after street

of knowing that SELA TF-1 means South East Louisiana Task Force 1 searched this house

of knowing that a lack of an NE means they actually did Enter.

of knowing that a one means one life could not be saved.

of hearing stories that began with "We had to let Mrs. Martha across the street die."

of seeing only sea shells where rows of houses once stood, no place to spray paint cryptic notes.

you can't imagine. Until you've experienced it.

Wonder

Ever get the feeling that something is critically wrong with you and you're a horrible person?

yeah?

Me neither.

Strive for holiness at all comfort.

Thoughts...

Is it a good thing or bad thing that I let my heart control me?
That I care?
That I wonder why?
I don't understand all the time what the deal is, and it confuses the heck out of my soul.

I'm trying more and more to let go of my worries. But working against so much family programming is hard. And working against the very hardwiring in your brain is harder.

My mind thinks to fast and too clearly, it thinks about the meanings of everything, it thinks about why people don't behave the way I expect, don't think the way I expect, aren't concerned with things that logic demands they should.

Why are people so willing to compromise, and why aren't they concerned with thinking if they are? Every person is liable to internal contradiction, thats a result of the fall, but our calling is to be perfect as He is perfect, so why don't people TRY? They have mouths but do not speak, have ears but do not listen.

How is internal contradiction okay? I KNOW it's COMFORTABLE. But Comfort does not make it okay, but should be a trigger for QUESTIONING Why? Is it of God? really? or is it from Satan? Or is it from my defiance of God's will?

And these things make me wonder and worry, and get frustrated with the disconnect between peoples actions and beliefs.

The greatest case for Atheism is Christians.

Why should an Atheist or ANYONE for that matter believe in CHRIST when His followers don't even care that they DON'T follow His teachings? Especially to Love Him above all things, even their own comfort from self-contradiction.

And I can't figure out if my desire to be okay with that is a disconnect itself, in me.

Am I really supposed to be okay with people who lie? Who lie by their actions and words not meeting?

I want to stop worrying, because I want to be sane, but if I stop worrying how much am I not caring anymore? And can I truly love someone if I don’t care?

The answer seems to be that you can not love someone if you don’t care. (Though others try to convince me otherwise). But perhaps there’s a complexity that I’m missing?

We aren’t called to care about people the way would care about a stranger’s dog, we’re called to care about them as if they are family. As if we really do care about their salvation, and not just their comfort.

So WHY THE HELL DO CHRISTIANS BEHAVE OTHERWISE? Why don’t they just stop LYING and tell the truth. They aren’t striving for holiness at all costs. They strive for holiness at all comfort.

At least in being honest you let God work in you. When you lie, you let Satan work.

Father Dennis' Blog

I discovered the other day that my Priest has a blog! He's a great guy!
http://fatherdennis.blogspot.com/

WE WON!

after 26hours and Thousands of Points, we WON by 10 points!

Kaleido Quiz

3pm, March 3rd to 6pm, March 4th

Once again, Kure 88.5 FM presents Kaleido Quiz. The KQ is 26 hours of trivia with scavenger hunts, fantastic prizes, and "Oh, Man...and more." The cost is $25 per team. Pick up your applica tion at KURE's office at 1199 Friley Hall and turn it in by February 27th or on March 3rd with a $5 late fee. Get your teams together now.

http://www.kure885.org/

Thought for the day

so use this as your search engine: http://prolifesearch.com/

It gives money to prolife organisations, and uses Google Search technology.

Also, observation for the day:
I need to control my passions...
Sometimes I feel so hurt or belittled that inside emotion rises and wants to address it as soon as possible, an overpowering (at times) feeling that I need to do something now.
But this lets me be controlled by what ever inspires it's movement, and I don't want to be controled by anything. Though I do want to give my control over to God.
Until I can control them, they control me, and I can not give them to God.

getting better I think

I think I'm getting better, my appetite is slowly returning, and the pain in my head from my sinuses is bearable... and I'm not delirious and thinking that I own a factory still... so on many counts I'm better... but now I'm really dizzy and borderline nauseous... dizzy and nauseous enough to skip another of my classes today... and rest a bit which helped.

I wonder if its the meds? I'm on Ery-tab, this time since between the last time I had an antibiotic and now I had an allgery test that said I was allergic to penicillium...

Well I hope to be much better in three to four days.