getting worse

I'm getting worse... vomitting now... yuck. And my body is weak... yay, I might have to go back to student death soon.

Pneumatitis

so I finally managed to get my self to the doc... I have a bacterial pneumatitis... the doc said it's not yet Pneumonia (thats good at least).

Yay Sickness, Yay work.

Still have that 5 page paper to write... gar

Done.

Victory!

Most Committed Reader I know.

So I have officially taken over the title of Most Committed Reader I know.

I have read at least 20 hours of pure reading this weekend. I say at least, because I'm being genererous to my readings speed and concentration ability.

Now considering that I'm a CA and Human, I've had to take breaks from reading for meetings, emergencies (angel saw part of one when she came to visit), eating and general emotional and psychological welfare.

So all in all to maintain my ability to read this weekend, I've used approximately 30 hours of my life. (I still have 2.65 hours left of the 20 hours to finish before I can claim victory and I'm currently taking a sanity/headache/rest room break).

THEN, I have to write a 5 page report over what I read... luckily its 5 pages... and luckily I've read 614 pages by the time I'm done, so content shouldn't be an issue, quality yes.

Oye.

Praise God.

:-)

So Fr. Stan Acutally emailed me after I posted on his Blog! yay! Next year I hope to work with the CFRs (though prbly not Fr. Stan's House) in NYC. When Tim and I go to Hunter.

Adeline!!!

Check out this song its amazing!!!

Adeline at http://www.mikeandamyfinders.com/
yes, "Adeline" is a link to a full mp3 availble off of their site, it's legit.
(http://www.mikeandamyfinders.com/audio/mp3/Adeline.mp3)

Orange County Crucifix

{edit} Well, I misposted this on this blog instead of my draft writting blog, but as I like it, I'm leaving it here for you to enjoy and I also reposted it here on sirhairdrafts. {end edit}

230

We didn’t have a retreat today. Instead we got to do spring cleaning on the church… a cavernous affair with stained glass streaming light upon the color treated cement floor. We divided into groups, cleaning pews, windows, confessionals, floors and various accoutrements. I decided to work the ladders cleaning the windows, as everyone else was scared of climbing them. I hate ladders. They wobble and I’m sure I’ll die falling off one; I’ve always had dreams of that. Javy and I would move the ladder around he’d clean the bottom of the windows, I’d clean the top, 2 to three stories higher than the slick cement below. The walls braced the ladder well, and I wasn’t too scared after the first few.

We were done, and I looked at the Crucifix hanging mid air above the altar, it was dusty, and I asked the overseer if we could clean it. She agreed, and we moved the tall ladder precariously through the aisle, a few times almost toppling over.

The corpus was a beautiful bronze casting, 2 times the size of a normal body, perhaps more, majestic, silent, beautiful. I almost cried as I cleaned it. I took care of the hands, as a medic would, I daubed the feet, with soft cotton, embracing them in my hands, and kissing the memorial wounds. I cleaned down one side and then up the other. I cleaned His chest, wondering what it would have felt like in real life, strong, proud, to the very end or clammy and suffocating, fragile as a real human. I cleaned his crown, getting pricked and stabbed by the intermeshed five inch thorns sharpened to conical points. My thin hands couldn’t even fit through to clean his hair, the thorns so dense, so painful.

I wish I would have been alone. I wish I could have poured torrents from my eyes. Been overcome by the sorrow and joy. I wish the bronze of my memory was in front of me now.

247am

Its at St. Vincent de Paul, Huntington Beach, CA http://www.svdphb.org/svdphb/

This week

I have about 60hrs of work besides my classes to get done by friday... in addition to that I did today... crazy. So don't expect much out of me this week.

Today I went to a band playing on campus (I thought it was supposed to be a poetry reading that was going to suffice for a class assignment, and decided to stay as I thought the band still would suffice)... and I bumped into my Creative Writting teacher... who introduced me to her Husband Joe, and told him I was a "good writter"... which I denied (because I think I'm mediocre.)

And off to go read 70 pages before writting a few brief papers on unrelated topics.

Fr. Stan Changed his Blog...

http://digitalaudiodeli.com/ is the new blog location http://digitalaudiodeli.blogspot.com/ no longer exists. Just an FYI...

Decisions....

So University of Rhode Island contacted me and said they were "very impressed with both your interview and your application" and were really excited about the possibility of hiring me... I'd be in an upper classman dorm, with three returners, and three newbs on staff with me... (this after I missed the interview time (I thought it was 6 my time, it was 6 their's so I was 15 minutes late, since I have class until 5... I checked my voice mail and found a very tentative message from my interviewers asking where I was... and if I could setup another time... so I called them, and they asked when would be a good time... I actually had expected the call a week later... so I said how about now? I'm game... they asked if I was ready... and I responded No but I'll work with it.)

And University of Northern Colorado, called and were also very impressed with me, and extended me an offer as well...

And Towson hasn't responded yet... (but that was my worst interview, I was really off my game) but they'll call next week, as scheduled.

So I have two (possibly three) offers from institutions (which I expected with my work experience, I'm a fantastic candidate).

And I'll probably turn them all down...

Which is a shame as they'd all be amazing opportunities.

I'm going to New York, if I can get in (CUNY - Hunter). Because that's where Tim wants to go...
It'll be awesome! We'll get to do ministry with the urban dwellers and meet greatly holy men and women. Tested daily and put through the fire, but we'll be burned clean!

It'll be an amazing opportunity to grow and become the holy one I desire so much to be!

New York.

Who'd've guessed.

New York.

And I'm still applying to Stuebie, Loras and Ave Maria...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy!

But I really feel my heart being drawn to NYC... pulled, much like at times past in my life, like the drawing to Ireland, and Des Moines... God's calling, but I'm not sure where to... Ireland was a proxy for His real plan, NET... is NYC a proxy for a new path?

I wonder.

Sometimes I realise that I can't decide because I fail at my prayer life... I don't take the time I owe Him... and that's why I only feel the vague movings of the Spirit, not the solid determination that I get after prayer... like when I found NET, my heart was solid, and this past summer, despite warnings away of the pain that would follow me, I knew this is where my lord called... so I followed, knowing I would be stepping into a battle... but with Him near, I was assured I'd survive.

Speak lord, your servant is listening.

what i ate

So Tuesday night, I decided to make Tim eat a feast with me, in protest and in forgetting what day it was. So I wrangled a car out of his roommate and started planning it... the final product was the following (originally we had more planned):

Water Crackers with Apricot Stilton
Bruschetta with Tomatoes and Mushrooms
Pasta with Olives, Mushrooms, Onions, Sundried Tomatoes, Oregano, Cracked Red Pepper and Garlic.
Steamed orange butter asparagus with Clementies.
Chicken Cordon-Bleu (with Gruyere and Prosciutto in a bread/cracker/oregano covering)
Fresh Fruit With Honey-Yogurt ( http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/5457 )

It was delicsh... and two of his roommates joined us... it felt nice to be able to cook and have the company of friends... I havent had the opportunity since I was in Austin to really do it, so I was excited :-)

I also made Tim promise that if we end up living together in NYC (Manhattan) then we'll have a Feast every other week :-D

NYC is looking really really awesome... I might be able to convince two more friends to join us! Possibly three!!!!! which means CHEAP RENT!!!!

YAY!

Dinner...

oye! I'm tired...

I just got home after leaving for class today...

I'll fill you in later but Tim and I made dinner and had a good time... that's the gist... I gots ta crash.

Ah Heretics....

so how often do we come across people who say they are catholic but worship idols?

Psalm 115:4-6

Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths but do not speak, eyes but do not see. They have ears but do not hear, noses but do not smell.

People try to divide our faith into compartments... failing remember that we are one whole, whose source and summit is the Eucharist. From this is our life. From this is our life. From this is our life.

From this IS OUR LIFE!

We worship Him first, and from Him do we have the strength to do works of mercy, from Him do our works have meaning. Jesus is a living person who demands love, not a great nice guy who says we should go serve everyone else so that the world is better. He is God... who says love me, and serve my brothers.

He is not a dead guy. He is love incarnate. Incarnate.

In the Eucharist.

PRAISE GOD!

From the Renew America Newsletter

---

State lawmakers defy Roe v. Wade
South Dakota House passes bill criminalizing nearly all abortions

February 11, 2006
WorldNetDaily

With a reversal of Roe v. Wade as its ultimate aim, South Dakota's House of Representatives passed a bill today that would criminalize all abortions except for when a mother is in danger of dying. The penalty for performing illegal abortions would be a maximum of five years in prison.

Supporters say the Woman's Health and Life Protection Act, which passed 47-22, is the result of new research compiled by a legislative task force showing life begins at conception and abortion is harmful to women . . . [Click for more]

See also: Indiana proposal: Life starts at conception (Associated Press)

Dogmatism

(Fr. Dave Farnum, CSP)

Catholics tend to be blamed as dogmatic.

• Sticking to the rules as if only the letter of the law matters.
• Lacking compassion in cases that differ substantially.
• Refusing to bend until the rule has changed.
• Unwilling to change "bad" rules.

But I've seen more of this from people who do not pronounce their faith loudly than from those who do...

From people who do not believe in truth, but in place of it, have instituted the words of man.

People, who afraid to simplify the world into a truth which is a constant tension of sin and mercy, obedience and compassion, faith and reason, etc. have reduced what they can to dogmatic principles, hoping to mete out some meaning, some clarity in a world otherwise devoid of all purpose and reason.

They hold to things that don't matter and run from things that do.

You can't play games in the hall of a dorm, but you can get drunk and have sex in your room.

How are we to love and live? That doesn't matter, just don't buy a water gun, because it's labeled "gun"... a nerf funky blaster? oh sure... it's not called a gun on the package. (A rule as a resident assistant I have to espouse repeatedly).

Am I the only one astounded?

I said it earlier, but this is insane! This is a search for something they don't have! Truth, order, Goodness and rightness. Compassion does not come from creating rules from which people are treated "equally" (equally in the sense of being held accountable to the same exact wording), there is no compassion there, but dogmatism. Compassion comes from seeing a person as God does... as part of His bride (the Church). Compassion comes from knowing the perfect standard, and holding people accountable not because it is a standard, but because it makes them better, holier, more perfect, more beautiful... compassion comes from seeing the standard, and seeing the sinner... and judging (OooOOOOOooo that word the world hates) what is best for the person, mercy, compassion, guidance, punishment, tough love, soft love... or perhaps shockingly, a combination of them. A person is not an equation with one solution... they have a multitude of needs and each need must be addressed as best as we can. Each sin stems from more than one source and each source must be treated if they are to be whole again.

Every human person is valuable and worthy of compassion.

No human person respects dogmatism in the modern sense... but every person hopes for the dogmatism I've just described... for being treated as a unique creation who deserves unique treatment, who is a complex entity with conflicting desires and ideas that conflict because they imperfectly seek the Good. Your desire is not wholly bad, there is TRUTH in it! It is a desire that yearns to be redeemed and placed on a path to wholeness, where all desires unite.

But simple mechanical rules devoid of humanity can not unite and guide a human, they can only act as stumbling blocks, they can only divide and frustrate…

Humanity deserves better. You deserve better.

How are we going to convert the world?

Luke 2:34-35

and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted... so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed."

You're heart is complex. You're heart is NOT simple. You're desires have Truth in them. You have Truth in you. The world wants to tell you that you're an input to an equation, Jesus wants to tell you that He knows you're more... SOO Very much more.

You are His Father's child, royalty in the Heavens.
You're existence is unique, precious and astounding!
God is amazed at you!
AT YOU!

Habakkuk 1:3-5

Why do you let me see ruin; why must I look at misery? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and clamorous discord. This is why the law is benumbed, and judgment is never rendered: Because the wicked circumvent the just; this is why judgment comes forth perverted. ² Look over the nations and see, and be utterly amazed! For a work is being done in your days that you would not have believed, were it told.

You are that work, and your indignation at being simplified will show you the way.

My wallpaper-Gospel Canticle: Luke 2:29-32

This is my wallpaper on my computer right now... I made it using one of my drawings... it's Jesus' hand nailed to the cross... (it's on its side). Thought some of you might like to use it!

reading

So when I was in highschool I never had to read... well I was supposed to, but really when you think about it most stories are predictable, and reading the last few pages and first few, and maybe two or three in the middle is sufficient to get most of the general plot down...

but now!

I have over 1100 pages to read in the next week and a half!

Crazy... and I'll probably do it all...

But then I have like four essays/papers to write!

And a presentation to prepare for!

In highschool I'd be overwhelmed... and think it worthless to attempt... but for some reason I feel a peace about this workload... I mean I GET to read some really cool things... things that I love to learn about! so is it really all that bad?

*eh* If I focus enough I'll be fine!

mebe.

Clearly see

there are things that I can clearly see with a clarity others admire, yet when I look at myself, I'm blind.

My heart carries more weight than my courage.

My heart carries more worry than my mind.

Yet for others, I'm clear. I can recognise their courage and strengthen it, I can recognise their worry and calm it... maybe its a cruel trick that my eyes are nearsighted and my soul is far.

Old blog/journal

so this was the last line in my old opendiary journal...

"anyhow... this was supposed to be really short, but it's not... and now I'm going to end... btw... I posted a quick "blog" at sirhair.blogspot.com ... probablly won't ever update it, but whatever... need shower..."
http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D108622

LoL... and now I never use opendiary... that was a year and a half ago!

This was my first blogspot post:
http://sirhair.blogspot.com/2004/09/why-i-re-joined-bloggers.html

I'll probably migrate the entries from opendiary over to blogspot sometime in the near future... but right now I'm procrastinating on studying for a test and writting an essay for tomorrow. So I should get off...

Give

How much can you give before you lose yourself?

Love
the mundane expression of love is something that excites and confuses me...
its a game that goes back and forth, forth and back,
Promises of eternal devotion, promises to try
what happens when you give and no one returns it?
when love consumes you,
and the dawn becomes part of your soul,
the quiet veil lifting slowly
pulling away all mystery that protects
enriches, maintains your soul.
Naked.
Is it worth it?
the risk of being left naked alone?

Work
I work. the demands of my Lord
makes it hard for me to not.
makes it hard for me to not give my all.
what kind of a man works,
but steals?
how could I get a check for less than my best?
when does the work become master?
when can you relax?

Words
I love my words,
the hidden ones that only three know about
they speak about my soul
they touch my memory
sense, taste, emotion
my words are me
external but essential
if I tell you where they're at
will you rip this part of me away?
how intimate can you be
with friends and strangers?
before you die of heartache?

Orthodoxy

Recently I've been called a conservative by people who would label themselves as Liberal... and I take great offense to this!

Conservatism and Liberalism are both perversions of Truth. They take Truth and reduce it to a simple formula that satisfies their own lives, eliminating the eternal challenge of Christ in favour of a simple rubric.

The basic (though simplistic) way of perceiving this is that liberals embrace the new because its new, and reject the old because its old, and conservatives embrace the old because its old, and reject the new because its new. This is not the only way, especially if we believe in Truth.

There is such a thing as being Catholic, which I think can be glimpsed by 1 Thessalonians 5:20-21

20 Do not despise prophetic utterances.

21 Test everything; retain what is good.

This seems a good guide to discern what it means to have a Tradition, we should not despise the new, but we should test it. We should not dispose of the old universally, we should retain the good. Though I usually call this Orthodoxy, Fr. Dennis made a point (though perhaps unintentionally) that we should all be "Catholic" without any prefix. That we should embrace the Church whole heartedly and seek to remain with it's living wisdom at all times.

Seeking to Love God first, and through Him, love His creations, the new and old.

"High Church or Low Church, liberal or conservative, it is too easy for us to drift and to find ourselves based more on the commandments, traditions and conventional wisdom of men rather than the true wisdom and revelation of God." ~~Penitens

Bike Against World Hunger (aka. Peddaling Paupers)

Here's the beginnings of our website... it's gonna be AWESOME!! Kim is doing an amazing job...

We're still working out a lot of stuff... and I've not yet contacted some people that I need to... but plans and ideas are flowing.

Fr. Stan's new website!

He's got a podcast! (free music, etc.) online check it out!!!
http://digitalaudiodeli.blogspot.com/
Oh and I went to see him today in Iowa City... it was very beautiful... he's a great evangelizer of our culture... an honest and humble servant of our Lord and Lady!

Home

Yup I'm back... My hall is trashed (the restrooms are worse) and I had a great weekend at Loras...

I almost want to go back already... good thing my classes are interesting... else I'd never've returned.

My guys aren't all that bad... just naive children... at least naive in caring for community property and their own bodies... (they get drunk alot... alot).

*eh* I have tonnes of reading to get done that Needs to be done asap... so I'm outtie YO.

The Song from the grove...

This was the song I was listening to as I was in the grove... I dont think I've ever heard it (except a clip) until that moment... I put it on my mp3 player randomly, the only song I didn't know in a group of songs I've known.

No One Else Knows
by Building 429

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

From: http://www.building429.com/media_leadsheets.cfm

The grove.

My feet carry me
to this hidden grove
My heart is in tears as my face smiles, I need to let it out, but I have no time.
I have to run a meeting in less than 30 minutes. I have to be okay this is too personal to talk about. A friend earlier asked me to talk, but I had to prepare, this is my burden. I'm the "leader" of the campus Thomists and we just got formed, its a baby and needs me to feed it. I feed it not from my excess but from my own means. I feed it knowing that
I sacrifice myself.

I stand in the grove listening to praise and worship songs on my mp3 player
The lights from the not so distant buildings and parking lot flood into my sanctuary.
My soul's cathedral.

I'm okay. A song begins to play as my feet start leaving, and I freeze.
I don't like the music so much
But the words pound me,
breaking fast past my sentries heading straight for my heart.
I'm standing.
My ice cream slides out of my hand as I collapse to my heels.
The tears are here.
And I can no longer fight.

He was my dog.
My fat boy, puppy, puppy boy
My footrest, rug and vigilant doorstop.
I loved him.
I grew up with him.
So did my whole family.
He was our brother and our mooch.
And I can't be there.
I can't be there, where families gather to mourn.
I can't.
I'm here.
7pm.

New Blog

I decided to clean up my main blog and my writings blog (I changed it from my theology/philosophy blog to my writings) so I created a new blog that will have drafts and various meanderings of my writtings.

sirhairdrafts.blogspot.com

Its in the process of being developed, so it's a bit ugly... but will look much better soon. Promise.

Edward

He's gone.

My mom just called.

I have absolutely no one to grieve with.

I just discovered another side effect of having a relationship that you expect to go onwards to marriage...

When you expect to give your heart to someone that you love, you guard yourself from relationships that that person might be threatened by, and relationships that your character might be threatened by... e.g., you stop, slow down, or end any relationship you might have with the opposite sex.

Which is great! Because the reward is great as well, and the dignity of the relationship and the other person demands it.

But when its over, you have to start over... finding friends you can call family.

I don't have any.

And my dog's about to die.

And I can't cry with anyone.

I have no one to hold me.

No one to let me cry in their lap...

no one.

I'm evacuated of all family.

An alien in a hospitable, but foriegn land.

Penitens is a smart man...

From Penitens' blog... http://penitens.blogspot.com/
"It is I who have sinned;
it is I, the shepherd, who have done wrong.
But these are sheep; what have they done?
Punish me...

This is not an easy thing to do. Too often we are tempted to shift responsibility or even shift the consequences of our failures onto others. Even David did this: choosing a punishment that impacted the people (pestilence) rather than one that would have threatened him personally (three months of flight from his enemies).

As children and servants of God,
it is important for us
to accept the limits of our control
and to take responsibility,
placing ourselves always in the hands of God:
whose power and mercy are infinite."

Dream Without Limits...Dance Without Cares

Dream Without Limits...Dance Without Cares

I'm EGG-SITED!

This weekend will be a great break from ISU, and it will give me a chance to check out the school I might be going to next year. And have fun with friends and have no obligations at ALL!

And it's ANGEL's 21st!!!!! YAY!!!

I'm EGG-SITED!
(Oh yeah, I'm heading up to Loras this weekend)

What do I want to do?

What do I want to do for the rest of my life, every day... from dawn to dusk... do I really want to be an architect, a theologian, a philosopher????

Graphic design sounds like a lot of fun... but is it too temporary a product for me? today I'm in tomorrow I'm lost?

Freelance writer sounds interesting... I could write about a variety of things from God to my socks... and it'd be fun... but can I sustain the creativity?

I'm a great speaker... at times at least...

I love God...

What can a guy like me do for the rest of their life...

Everyone else seems settled on the thought of being stuck in the same dead end job for the rest of their lives... why cant I just be different... be a modern generalist who impacts and lives in thousands of different worlds?

the dead end job thing has been done before, and no one became rich, and no one felt terribly rewarded... I don't want to live like a drone... mindless... emotionless... I want to LIVE... something few have ever dared to do in the history of mankind... I want to tell the system to back off, stop trying to destroy my heart, stop trying to tame the life within me... stop trying to change me into your pawn for your safe consumption...

I want to live in a way few have dared. I want to BREATHE!