At once they left their nets and followed him. Mt 4:20

What nets have I left lately?
I'm not sure, but I know I have so many more to drop.
So many obstacles that I've yet to give up.

John of the Cross talks about all desires as stumbling blocks, especially the desire for prayer and holy things. They grab you and entice you in ways that other much emptier things can't. In the end, these Idols tear you from the very thing you wish to attain, the prescence of God.

Yet they are Amazing things, though its not IN themselves that they have worth, it is through and FOR God that they do.

I've left some of my nets lately and I feel so much freer, to have burdens from my shoulders I thought I could never bear. I can't wait to get rid of the other nets, whose burdens must be so much greater, as they are so much more enticing... how much more freedom the Father has waiting!

"He set me free in the open; he rescued me because he loves me." Psalm 18:20
"O LORD, our Lord, how awesome is your name through all the earth!" Psalm 8:10

Give us Joy to balance our Affliction. Psalm 90:15

Today has been a very weird day, one where I've had such anxiety, worked through it despite my fears, and everything turned out quite nicely. :-)

In fact, at one point (right after finishing a paper I thought I would not complete or complete well) I was so joyous that I just had to play a Triumphal Alleluia chorale, to which I was really really excited and smiling so gleefully.

Another point I was so distracted by something that I thought was turning out quite poorly, only to find out that it in fact was turning out quite well... a relief and a sublime joy followed.

When will I ever learn to just trust Christ? and let him take over my anxiety... or is it something that I actually can't let him take, because he won't? because it's my cross to bear?

NEW KIND OF PAIN

I wrote this friday morning after I had biked to adoration around 130 am and had just got back. (explanation of the earlier writting is in brackets '[]')

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if I ever get asked the question of how I would rather die (burn or freeze) I'm now offically changing my answer to burn... it took me over 1hr to go what normally takes 12 mins on a bike [I just got back]... had to stop off twice, tried a third time couldnt [because my hands were so frozen I couldn't tell if I was grasping my brakes or not... I simply couldn't feel them, the brakes or my hands]... then had the sensation for the first time in my life of having completely immobile fingers... really really sucked... thank God for knuckles [because I was only able to get into my building because of my teeth and the knuckles of my right hand... my left hand was unable to grasp at all by that point]...
so My bike is getting put up and I'm now hating Iowa's weather much much more...
so I just worked out how cold it was on my bike... figuring about 15mph (at times with a wind of 9mph hitting me) and less than 20 degrees outside... I was experiencing at a high [of] 6 degree weather... and most of the time about 2 degrees due to the wind! http://www.nws.noaa.gov/om/windchill/index.shtml NO WONDER WHY IT HURT SO MUCH!!
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I still haven't recovered full sensation in the tips of my fingers (they tingle), but they are getting gradually better. I had to take off my gloves with my teeth...

THANKSGIVING!!!

So today I had an amazing time! It was great! I got to meet one of my friend's families, the whole loving bunch and just have a family thanksgiving. I felt truly blessed to be there, and I was so welcomed and loved that I was quite astonished... she has a great family!

So welcomed that I was sent home with more than a pie box full of stuff! (It was like seeing a family based on St. Benedict's hospitality!)

All of her family was interesting, and fun and very very sweet.

And what was greatest was that her family doesn't think of God as a four letter word! They talk about Him without thinking it taboo.

WOW! I had a great time.

Credo, sed adiuva increduliatem meam (I do believe; help my unbelief) Mk 9:24

Mark chapter 9

21 Then he questioned his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" He replied, "Since childhood.
22 It has often thrown him into fire and into water to kill him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us."
23 Jesus said to him, " 'If you can!' Everything is possible to one who has faith."
24 Then the boy's father cried out, "I do believe, help my unbelief!"

I'm amazed by this passage... desperation and asking God "if you can"... a man powerless to help his son, comes to a preacher who he's heard about... and gives it one more shot... not knowingly asking GOD if He can do something. A divided soul, split by belief and unbelief.

I feel like this so often, believing and yet unbelieving... knowing that God exists, and thinking Him powerless. I'm divided, and I crave to be whole.

Lord, you promised to give us power (acts 1), pour it out upon me and help my unbelief. Heal me of this unbelief which has thrown me into fire and water trying to kill me, have compassion on me, and cure me Divine Physician.

Dogs are tired

I just finished doing rounds in the ten buildings that compromise "Old" RCA:
Barton, Lyon, Freeman, Birch, Welch, Roberts, Oak, Elm, Linden, and Buchanon... JEZZZ...

At least I brought a book along... for the last few floors of Buchanon... I was reading and walking... checkign with my peripheral vision for anything wrong or any doors open... nuthin...

My Thanksgiving is looking interesting... tried to get ahold of my friend but she didn't answer... so it's looking like Turkey day will be a day of solitude and work... everything works out for a reason right?

And now... I have to work on a paper... PRAISE GOD!

Things that make you go Hmm...

So today I got my Shorter Christian Prayer book (abbreviated Liturgy of the Hours)... and I begin with the first antiphon... "You cannot serve both God and Mammon" and it continues to talk about the emptiness of wealth.. Psalm 49... and I'm thinking... lately I've been struggling with some decisions... which I've been asking for some sign of His providence. Some decisions I'd rather go one way... which may be the way He's leading me away from...

Thought

Lord, consume me,
more that I have just
consumed Thee.

I REJOICED when they said to me...

I was thinking while I was praying the chaplet how far I stray sometimes, just to feel the gentle hand of the Father slowly guiding me back...

It's truly amazing how wonderful Confession is! Stronger than an exorcism... or so I understand from exorcists I've read, and met... and I'd attest to that! For which can bring about conversion? Certainly NOT excorcisms! they're for deliverance, Confession is for conversion (via repentance)

It's AMAZING! God's love for each of us! It's amazing that He loves me so much... humbling, yet more inspiring than any story ever told.

HARRY POTTER!!

The movie was AWESOME!!!

I loved it... very very funny, and then very very depressing...
I really enjoy that it incorporates and promotes an emphasis on near-heroic morals!

It's heartening to see a good guy who is actually innocent and good!

Great movie!

Anxious prayer

O, Lord!
Where must I go from here,
from this place where I know not your direct call
this time where you ask me to wait?

I'm so used to you speaking when
your plan for me is near,
yet, now! Now!

you let me sit wondering
if this path is mine?
if I'm on this path for my sake
or for yours.

I desire to know,
and I beg to hear
you're sweet reassuring voice.

Speak Lord, your Servant is listening!

you're preparing me for something,
somethign I can't quite place,
but something nonetheless.

and I feel uneasy knowing this,
queasy and fearful of what it is...
the longer you wait, the deeper my fear...

though I will embrace it when it comes,
I need you to know what I'm feeling...
I'm scared.

I want to be your servant,
to be the slavish being that I am.
but I like it better when you keep me
doing something, so that the path ahead is not so ominous
so mysterious,
so far.

I know you want me to be patient, to rest, to prepare,
but that's what I'm afraid of!
FOR WHAT!

I bless You for the gifts You've given me,
the wondrous gifts of late,
I love them so much!

Bless and protect me,
release my anxiety,
and prepare me...

I'll wait. I promise.
And I'll let you decide
when I am ready.

Gah! But why!?

Servum Domini

One thing I realised today as I was talking with a friend about charismatism, was how foolish and hard-headed I had to be, that God had to act so directly in my life as to give me a profound gift of faith. That gift being knowledge of the true presence.

What a fool I must be, and how lowly, that I can not believe without seeing.

and how great a God that He let this low, low, worthless servant see.

crazies everywhere

so two days ago it was still fall... and yesterday it abruptly changed to winter... snow, slush, ice and all! All I have to say is NORTHERNERS ARE CRAZY! They like this stuff! The wind bites your face, making your whole head a popsicle and the slush freezes your toes... it's crazy.

anyhow... today I heard the same scripture for the third time... each time while I was praying for God's discernment... crazy. I'm not sure what it is that He's asking me to do, but it surely is Him... The only thing I think he wants me to do is something I feel like I'm doing, not Him. So I'm trying to figure that one out.

Lord make your ways known to me... wipe the scales from my eyes that I can see! PLEASE! Lord! I need You!

sadness...

so I'm sad... cause I just realised I can't go to adoration tonight, tomorrow or friday night as I have duty :-(

I'm thinking about hidding away in a storage room and praying... where no one can find me unless they call the pager... :-)

Praise GOD! May it all work out tonight!

I've been reading John of the Cross' Assent of Mt. Carmel... and it is REALLY REALLY GOOD!

Test...

Whew... so I got my test back today and I was one point away from a B! I got a C... then while he was reviewing it in the class, I noticed that he marked one of my questions wrong!

so I got TWO points! yay! I now have a B!

Now got to go study for major test tomorrow (that I got postponed from last week) in a class I have another test in Friday! GAH!

Ecce servum Domni! (I think I got that right... Behold, a slave of the Lord!)

So last night I took a "night away" from the dorm, permitting me to break my otherwise normal 3am curfew. (I only get 12 nights away a semester) so in doing so I got to go to ADORATION for FOUR HOURS!!! YAY!!!!

I love Jesus in the Eucharist... I can't say why other than He draws me there.

I read something recently about how without adoration we can not live... so Adoration (capital A) is a worthy place to start!

I also got to go to Mass at noon, so that was really really nice!

Recently a few friends have asked me to start a Charismatic Prayer Group... I'm praying about it, and I'm currently unsuer of what my role should be in regards to bringing about God's will... am I to direct them to others or am I to lead? I don't know if I have the time to lead... so I'm praying for God's will to be EVIDENT! And I've challenged Him to place His will before my eyes.

I think I'm going to start midnight adoration runs everynight :-)
YAY! Late nights with JESUS! I miss them so!
then twelve hours later!
MASS!!

so weird... so weird.

kat and I are done.
done period.
no might bes or maybes or trying to figure outs...
its over...

and it hurts, as I really want her beside me, comforting, loving me.

I want her... but it can't any longer be.

this past week I got gen 24 as a scripture... and for the first time I felt God was telling me I could let go of Kat... that he'd be okay with it.

So I feel I've run the race, and ran it hard, doing as he's asked all along the way... and now I'm left with the "you can quit the race, you're too hurt" option that I felt I had to take.

Its so odd to put your whole heart into something expecting that it'll take you somewhere great... only to end up sitting on the sideline with a gaping wound. One that will heal, but one you hoped would go away and let you finish the race.

He also told me awhile back that the reason I was to pursue her at the time was to love him more... maybe I have... maybe I do.

Perhaps this was one of those obedience moments where he tells you to go one way, giving you a beautiful, sweet goal, just to ask you to be obedient and turn away when he asks, and to go in a different direction.

I can't imagine how weirder it will be when every night I don't talk to my balcherdove... when every day doesn't end with a prayer with the woman I love... with the sweet gentle darling I care for. I can't imagine not seeing her for a month or perhaps more... its so weird.

I love you Jesus, guide us. Guide me.

the end?

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11.5
is this the end?
is this the last moment? the moment I broke? I gave, I'm done?
it hurts, it sucks it hurts...
I wish it didn'nt have to be...
I wish it otherwise.
i wish I was not fighting what I feel I shoudl do, just to do what I feel I must.
why is she the way she is?
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