lately.

(a display on ellis island)

lately life has been quite enchanted (aside from the housing situation, being that NYC has a whole new set of rules for apartment searches/leases).

I've gone to central park numerous times, for various picnics, various dinners with friends, and various beautiful and exciting experiences in the city that I was finding trite until I discovered it's culture, (and a few londoners and a spaniard.)

NYC is filled with wonders, from starbucks, mcdonalds, subway, barnes and nobels, and duane reades (super-drug stores like eckherts or cvs) on every corner.




Life here is very odd, aside from email and making calls and searching for suitable apartments, I have class and friends I keep up with as best I can.

Some time a week or so ago, I ate lunch on Broadway, just west of central park... and when I say on Broadway I mean I ate it ON Broadway. There are islands on various avenues that they occaisionally put benches up on, aside from very beautiful landscaping, so one day I saw it, said why not? and ate a chicken, mashed potatoes, sparkling water and steamed veggies.



I also have a new cell phone, so if you're interested, you can email me and I'll send you back the number.


One of my classes rocks (well all of them really but this one especially). In my Geology of NYC, I basically get to look at the urban development of NYC by walking around it. It's pretty amazing, because I basically have to get to know this city more intimately than most people do who live here for as short a time as I expect to. On one of my trips through harlem, I saw quite a bit of things I never thought I'd see, albeit things I never even thought of. It was quite interesting to see racial divides still in place, and shame about the name "Harlem" (various businesses have changed their names over the last century to take out the name Harlem from their titles).

I also found how alive racism is... how hurt and blaming some african americans are. While on our walk through, we had one man scream "Cracka, WHITE CRACKA" repeatedly at us, and we also had a waterballoon and some eggs thrown at us. I missed the waterballoon, but luckily was the one hit by part of the dozen eggs. I can't explain why I like things like that. They're very humbling and they surely make me face my pride and sense of justice, but most of all in some weird way when someone treats me in a way contrary to dignity, I feel like I'm getting exactly what I deserve, and that oddly excites me and brings me joy. I honestly don't understand it. I really don't, I just know that I feel like a better person a more honest and true person after being denigrated and despised.

Annie and some of her Kids in connecticut, She's amazing and they love her so very much!
Superman one time use cameras are really really really expensive... I'll just stick with my cheap 150$ digital camera, and have to deal with not throwing it away after 24 exposures... though buy one get one free really is a nice deal! I'll have to rethink my position on this whole camera thing... it IS superman.
This is in the church that Annie works at... isn't He gorgeous! I love Him so much!
This is Serendipity 3, the place that inspired the movie Serendipity, and has an awesome frozen hot chocolate!!! (though its 15$ and can serve 3 easily).
A common street scene in (West) Harlem
This is the beautiful church I get to go to mass to every day when I'm at school, it's only three buildings down from school!
This is the ceiling of the Grant memorial. NSE (National Student exchange students) and the few International exchange students, went on a double decker bus tour of NYC last saturday, and apparently Ulysseus S. Grant is buried in NYC. He chose not to be buried in DC, and his wife chose NYC out of his short list of acceptable burial sites. His tomb is the largest in the nation.
The end of the civil war (I think).
Hetti playing dead, and trying to get old Ulysseus and his wife to stop being so boringly dead.
Just a beautiful photo outside of the tomb.
On top of the double decker... that's Chantal. (She's from Houndslow, aka part of London)
This is the site of and construction on the WTC.
That's Roshni and Paloma (a Brit and a Spaniard) on our picnic in central park... after our tour we decided to scout out central park for some fabled water falls, and brought along some picnic food... a baguette, jam, oj, water and maybe some other small stuff.
Central park is pretty at night... isn't it!
This is looking at Downtown from the Jackie Onasis reservoir (AKA the Lake) in Central park... gorgeous!
These are my friends again!
Manhattan from the boat to liberty and ellis island (we went on sunday after our saturday bus tour).
Lady liberty. She's surprisingly small... I wasn't very impressed by her stature.
But I am impressed by her being so meaningful to our country, and the world.
Ever viligant, she stands looking on the city and land she loves.
The docks at Ellis island.
The hall where immigrants would line up for immigration into the USA.


This was a cool display about the impact of the Statue of Liberty on post 9/11 nyc. Read the photo... its quite powerful. And then wonder what she means to you.

The ceiling to the hall of immigrants... I love old ceilings.
Hetti and Roshni became quick friends! This was at the Salsa dance show on battery park... it was by far the single best dance show I've ever been to... and we just stumbled unto it! And it was free... one of the girls from "so you think you can dance" was part of the dance group (she obviously wasn't very important compared to the rest, as she wasn't introduced until the end of the show... the dance group was some broadway show's cast, Mambo nights?).

This was from today... this is a train yard in poor manhattan... Just north of harlem on the west side (Inwood?).

This is actually an atypical scene in NYC... most elevated trains were torn down in the 50's and 70's, and replaced with subways.

couple quick things

so I'm not contagious and not a public health risk at all.

and this whole apartment business is really really getting to me. It's so much easier in Austin, TX.

9-11-06

there's something powerful about walking in a place 3 hours by foot
from the wtc and stumbling across people standing and seemingly
staring.
Staring perhaps at those 40 boquets of flowers sitting there against
the building.. Perhaps. Or maybe since that building is a fire
station, in remembrance of all firemen. Or by chance its that framed
thing on the wall. Those uniformed pictures of their men who died.
Their 9.

Mass today was equally surreal. A roll call of the 11 firemen from
the hunter college area that died. I don't know these men, I don't
know how they lived wether in virtue or vice, but I know their simple
response to duty inspires."yes, i choose to serve."

And they died, perhaps never truly realising they were in such danger.

......
as I walked home today we notied a searchlight to the south...
perchance illuminating some celebration... but as we looked a sense of
profound awe came into my soul, and two beams were discernable.

New York Lunch

I just had a New York lunch... A Hot Sausage (with Ketchup, Mustard and onions), a Pretzel and a Gatorade as I walked to the post office.

Thats it. That's all I wanted to say.
What is that not enough for you?

Fine. I'm getting a cell phone.

Happy now?

Well are you?

See what you did!

Queerness in NYC

So NYC is a bit queer, odd and downright confusing at times.

For example, I've yet to understand if it's noble, pharisaic, virtuous or greedy for a person to ask for change from the collection basket (an occurence that has happened nearly every time I go to mass, and I try to go daily).

I'm slowly catching onto the Street vs. Avenue system, (avenues in Manhattan are N/S and Streets are E/W)... and slowly connecting the random parts that I know of NYC together into one whole mental map.

I missed class again today (Dr.s appointments at the city clinic are long and rarely rarely rarely on time.). But luckily my Prof is cool about it. As for the TB, they're still trying to figure out if I have it (in the meantime the suspicion is that I do, and thus they have me on meds.) They're doing DNA tests on my Sputum... I gots the consumption.

I ate lunch at a bakery north of campus that was okay... not fantastic, but pretty tastey. Their desserts look awesome though.

Last night, I went to Carnival of Dreams with TIA! Yes, a long lost friend from Austin (UT Austin)... it was fun to catch up with her, hangout with her B/F friends, and eat good food! I love the village area, it reminds me of home... and when I say home I don't mean any place that I grew up as much as the home that your heart knows and is always searching for... the eternal Fatherland that we are longing to return.

It's perhaps a bit odd that the village area is so Weird (weird in the good "keep Austin wierd" way) and most likely liberal, but that sense of diversity, life and living is what I suspect makes it feel so comfortable.

Oh and my dinner was an exquisite "live" burger... basically completely uncooked vegan food. Crazy? yes. Delicious? Also yes. The burger was served over a salad instead of a bun, and my dessert was a berry chocolate cake that was gorgeous. (The waitress said reluctantly "it's not live" to which I responded "that's okay.") I also had a Watermelon fancy dietary water whose name I couldn't tell you if I was interrogated for 15hours and then three days more... but I do remember it was something completely overly-intellectual and affected, and it didn't make it taste any less or more like watermelon juice. And with my cake I had a "grain" coffee... it was made of some random non coffee substances like chickory and beets and stuff... it was pretty tastey and akin to coffee.

And I tried to get a PO box, but apparently you need an address to get one... Uhm... Yes?
Anyone else see a prob with this???

I went to Mass today at St. Patricks, and I'm really unimpressed by the cathedral and by the priest who presided the mass... he went through it as if it was a sprint and not something to be cherished and loved. St. Patricks is by far less beautiful than the chruch we have nextdoor to Hunter... St. Vincent Ferrer. Which is a French Gothic styled church... and impressively beautiful.

A couple of Sos and one also.

So I started laughing when I went to the restroom... Not only is my urine orange, it's gatorade orange... I'm really glad they told me ahead of time or I'd have been not only laughing but also quite a bit worried.

Also, if you come to NYC and plan to be an illegal street food vendor, BEWARE the cops here check... I saw a guy getting arrested and his cart impounded after I had lunch this afternoon (which by itself deserves some comment.)

So my lunch I went to soup salad sandwhich place near the college called "Hale and Hearty"... It was absolutely fantastic. I had a roast beef sandwich and a tomato basil soup that was delisch.

Sir Hair: Public Health Hiccup

(I was just about to post some pictures but I discovered the lab computers are locked from anything other than certain tasks).

Anyhow, back to the Hiccup thing. So today I spent several hours at the Chest Clinic in Manhattan (the NYC public health system is awesome by the way). I have a "nodule" in my lung that the doctor suspects is TB, given my exposure to TB in India, my previous test being negative and my general medical hystory. He said if it is TB, its an extremely early form, so to prevent me from coming back in in two months coughing up blood, he's put me on the meds. As such, I am now on a seven pill a day program for the next two months. (All free thanks to NYC!)

I also get the wonderful cross of possible side effects... some of which he said would occur daily for a few hours, but that it's important the I kept taking the drugs.

The side effects are... (*ahem* drum roll please!)
Nausea
Vomiting
Dark Urine
Skin rash
Loss of appetite
Numbness of hands and feet
Yellowing of Skin and Eyes (aka. Jaundice)
Fever
Easy Bruising
Flu-like symptoms
Urine turing orange or red
The drugs may stain my Soft contact lenses (not harmful apparently)
Joint Aches
Blurry Vision
Changed color vision

The only ones I have to worry about are the jaundice, numbness and vision, the rest I pretty much have to take as they come.

Aside from a chest xray, they gave me a blood test, vision test, checked my weight (which for the last few years has been pretty much stable at 145lbs or 65.8 kg), took a sample of the mucus in my lungs (sputum) and had me dance a jig for all the patients in the waiting room (well maybe not the last one, but only maybe not.)

The doctor and I talked a little bit (he even asked if I was thinking of becoming a priest after I told him what I did this summer). Apparently the MC sisters in Manhattan (the AIDS house) come to his clinic all the time for checkups. He also comented on how people in the US are unwarrantedly paranoid of TB and TB patients, and said at this stage I'm most likely not a public health risk (in laymans terms, I don't need to be locked up in a cage and observed by scientists and doctors, nor do the people I've come in contact with).

Still not sure about housing, but I looked at a nice loft apartment last night... and by loft appartment I mean crawlspace cum loft apartment, its about 10 feet square and 3 feet high... but it is really cheap and it is in an AMAZING location (right near hunter, i.e., "one of the richest zipcodes in the US") and a great price, so I might still take the "hole in the wall" as Tim so eloquently put it. But I'm hoping on a miracle that the dorms open up a male room... primo location, primo price...

Adventures in NEW YORK! NEW YORK!

I might have TB... well I do, but I might have more than just the TB bacteria in my body... like full blown TB... More on this later. Meanwhile please enjoy these nice after dinner mind refereshments.

So today I went on an accidental fire stairs escapade... I was trying to get to the computer lab on the 7th floor of Hunter East (we have three buildings, north, west and east, occupying the Northwest, southwest and southeast corner of 68th and Lexington, well we actually have four buildings at this campus, but the north building and the Thomas Hunter building are seamlessly adjacent, and the difference between the two is only noticable from the outside, not the inside.)

Well, I've seen the 7th floor lab from the bridgeway (we have three bridgeways, one on the 7th between east and west, and two on the third between east and west and west and north). But there doesn't seem a way to get to it from the seventh floor bridgeway... there are a few dummy computers (not full stations, just client computers) but there is a wall and elevators between them and the lab that you can see from the bridgeway. so there appears to be no way to get to it from the 7th floor, so I tried the eighth floor, but there didnt seem a way down into the lab, so I thought there might be a way up from the Library on the third floor, figuring that the lab might be part of the library and thus only accessible through it. So I tried the elevator, but when the elevator showed up it was obvious I and my luggage (more on the luggage being with me later) would not fit. So I decided to go down the stairs. So I go down the stairs... and a sign on every floor access door says "no entry, reenter on the 8th floor or go to the first and exit street level" or something of the sort. so thinking that I can't take the elevators and going down hill is easier than up, AND that the first and third floor are a heck of a lot closer than the 8th and 3rd, I procede down to the first floor, where I come to a door that looks like it goes out.

SO I check for alarms and finding none on the door, I push through.

then I see that I'm actually in a longish hall and I can see some daylight through the cracks at the door on the other end, as I approach the exit door, I notice two things. First I notice the door behind me click closed. Second I notice that the exit doors have two alarm systems wired to them.

So I debate about sitting down and reading the rest of Narnia.

That won't do, because I'd be in the same situation as this area seems seldom ventured into.

So I look around, the elevator requires a key... I don't have a key.
The other two doors in the room are locked, as is the door I left.
All that's left is an emergency call box.

So I debate briefly about looking foolish and then realise it's foolish to put off looking foolish, when you might as well at the soonest convienence (keeps ya humble and all).

At which point I push the button, hear the ringing and blush.

After a few rings the guy on the other side asks "Public safety how can I help?" or some other polite and genuinely loving and unimposed-upon words.

I blubber something about being outside elevator bank A on the first floor and unable to get out without tripping the alarm (I had noticed the sign earlier and thought it would be easiest to describe where I was to someone on the other side, but now that i think about it, they probably knew exactly where I was, considering it wouldn't be too hard to have a light saying which emergency call box was tripped.)

He said to just exit, but I questioned if that would trip the door alarms.

"One minute"
As he went off to converse with his colleagues I had to let out a little smile, chuckle and "crazy".
Then I overheard "yeah just have him exit".
"Yeah just exit to street level"
"you sure it won't trip the alarms"
"yeah just exit."
So I walk up to the doors and without pausing take a deep breath as I push the doors open.
I hear the alarm go off, in my mind, but no where else.

I later discovered that there may not be a public lab on the 7th floor, the lab I'm thinking of maybe a workspace or private... in any case no body knows about it, not even the people in purple shirts that say ask me questions(our colours are yellow and purple for the Hawks) or the campus security.

So luggage. Last night I arranged to go to a hostel in the east part of queens (about 45mins from Hunter). I'm supposed to meet the person before 530 or after 11. (maybe after 10, but she wasn't so sure she'd be there). so I go and wait outside from 11 until 1230 waiting for her, and calling her and buzzing the apt... at which point I realise how tired I am and how much I'm going to need sleep. So I decide in a last ditch effort to call a hostel that didn't have rooms earlier, but whose number was the only other one I had, thinking if nothing else I can go stay at the Missionary of Charities Shelter in the Bronx (they invited me to stay if I ever needed a place). Well lucky tired me got a welcome answer on the otherside saying "yes, we have rooms", "all you have to do is show up" and "30 to 36 dollars". I'm excited to be almost asleep in a bed. But I give her one last try to no avail. I head down little India (thats what I'm going to call this area, as there were so many Indians, and it even had the random Indian "taxi" driver in a personal car asking "Taxi?" and not believing me when I said no.) to the train station (the subways are considered trains, and they are sometimes above ground, especially off of Manhattan Island).

Now please note at this time that its between 1230-1am that I'm walking down to the subway station in NYC... everyone has heard the horror stories of gangs and seen movies so they briefly pass through my mind, but it didn't bother me much as I know God wouldn't permit something that wouldn't be for His glory. (So what if I die in a lynching... maybe souls would turn ever more to Him because of it? Not that I'm trying to dredge the fathoms of God's wisdom, but just that I could see it happening.)

So I get on the train eventually and notice a group of what appears Europeans and one suitcase amongst them. Now during the train ride up manhattan Island I'm trying to figure out if they're sharing the suitcase or if that satchel on the guy's arm is his toilletries case thus signifying that it's his suitcase... whatever. At some point in the daze of 130am I stumble ever so gracefully off the train and into the w 103rd st station. Noticing that the suitcase is carrying a small and cute slavic looking girl. So I try not to make much eye contact, other than a cordial smile, as I walk beside her out to the exit (I didn't want a single girl to be worried that I was a threat or that she was in danger by engaging her in conversation). But she at somepoint seemed to say something, but as I couldnt understand I just chalked it up to self-talk. Then she repeated it but louder and directed at me, "Are you going to the central park hostel?" I say no "Jazz on the Park, How much is that hostel?" "I don't know, do you know where it is?" "No, do you have an address for it?" "no." "well I know there is space at the hostel I'm going to, so you're welcome to come."

The rest of the night proceeds with her saying "what would we do without boys" (I lugged her luggage up several flights of steps), us ending up in the same room (the only two occupants of a four-bed room), free clean towels, and an nice comfy bed around 2am.

Well that was what we thought was the rest. But at 4 am we were awakened by some really loud noise, our door openning (which it shouldn't since there was a key card access), some really really really loud talking and laughing (including "A girl!") for 4am in the morning, and two guys that appear in to be in some oddly outdated uniform. I thought they were drunks at first, then staff, and after a bit we discovered they were travellers who had just gotten in. They left. and we returned to sleep, to be woken up again at 7am by them stumbling back in loudly, and going to sleep on the bunks above us (we had the bottom bunks, and they had gone to see the sun rise in Brooklyn). Around 940am Anna wakes me up (I've been in and out of mostly restful sleep the whole time due to the random interuptions confusing my sleep cycle). saying that breakfast is almost over... I say I'm going down are you? she said in a bit maybe. So I go down and enjoy a nice and free bagel with 3 packets of jelly a coffee and grab an orange for after. Around 1005 Anna stumbles down to find that they had already closed up the free stuff, but also to find an orange that I saved for her.

In other news, I'll talk about Subway confusion (I've been going the wrong way alot lately) and a rental Scam later. But now back to our main course.

Yes my skin test was POSITIVE. Though the way she explained it was "it just means you were exposed to it and have an infection, not that you have TB" I think she was differentiating between a carrier and an active case, but I'm not sure. So tomorrow morning I have an Xray and Dr.s appt. to find out what the dealio is, Yo.

And I'm off... gotta find housing for tonight and beyond... checking out an appartment in a second.

Somewhat settling

So.
I've got my classes squared... Intensive French, Geography of NYC, and Geology/flora/fauna of NYC.

Hmm

And I have a place that is somewhat stable i.e., I know I can stay for a while.

And I might have TB. YAY!
Okay so that maybe a weird thing to Yay about, but I also Yay'ed about getting a two hour plane delay on our way back from Delhi, after we had already been switched planes and had to take two instead of one to get to Amsterdam (where we were to leave for the US).

Apparently a positive test is " A positive skin test results in a raised bump (induration) at the point of administration" And I have a slight one, and its reddened. Tim doesn't so maybe I do, maybe I dont, I think I do.

Also about the Yay! I figure you might as well thank God for your Crosses, since you're going to get them anyway. :-) And they make you rely more and more on Him! So only good can come from it!

Cancel that... did more research: "Redness alone at the skin test site is a negative reaction meaning you have not been infected with TB bacteria. A firm red bump is a positive reaction to the skin test meaning you have been infected with TB bacteria at some time."

My bump isn't firm.

NYC... 'nuff said

So I'm working at a men's shelter in the Bronx with the CFRs for the last two days. It's really cool, and I might get the chance to work with the youth center. Which I think I would love to do! For some reason, the Bronx feels like home... (assuming, of course if I stay here.)

Tim and I got free TB tests today at the city clinic, we find out our results on thursday. (I needed one since I just got back from India).

so the subway system in NYC is actually amazingly easy to navigate and very cheap and convienent... like 74$ for unlimited rides for a month.

Also, New Yorkers are NICE PEOPLE... maybe you don't believe me, but they aren't as mean as they're portrayed. Example. I was on the train from CT to NYC the other day and found out they don't take credit on the train. All I had with me was some change, so I asked the conductor where I should get off to purchase a ticket, he said some city, and then asked if I had any money at all. I said maybe $5 in quarters (I had just done laundry). He said smiling and quite nicely "count it up, and I'll be back". I counted it up and it was $10.25.

He took it, gave me a $1 back and said aside, "so you have some money" then said "We'll make you a senior Citizen today." So I ended up having more money than I thought and paid less than half the cost for the train ride.

NYC... Pshaw.

so I'm all a jumble lately, with random thoughts that I thought had been put out of my mind and the queerness of moving/maybe not moving to NYC or another city.

I have until tomorrow or so to make a final decision on the whole thing... thats when I register for classes, which is something I should have been able to do earlier, but due to a switch concerning my social security number and the repeated forgetfulness of the director of the exchange at Hunter, my earlier attempts failed. Yesterday I spent getting paperwork done, and changing my ssn from some random number, that didnt even match mine in any way, to my actual. I also tried registering but had the pleasant surprise of being unable to, because of the whole deal. But tomorrow I can register. Praise God.

That is assuming that I decide it best, I'm leaning more and more into staying, though several things still seem a bit out of place. I do expect I'll stay, but I'm not going to say I'm staying until later.

yes, so its crazy.

I met some of the CFRs I may soon be working with yesterday, and I'm going to two of their events saturday, one during the day, and one at night (the Catholic Underground concert). They are really amazing men (and volunteers). And they were really happy to see me.

Crazy.

We also ate at Serendipity today, yes the place from the movie, they make an amazing drink (big enough for three people) called a frozen hot chocolate.

I'd post pictures, but alas, I am unable to get to a computer that I could connect with my camera (same reason I haven't posted on faithorbust.blogspot.com much lately).

anyhow, love you all, keep my housing in prayer.

Ciao!

NYC... well not quite

So I still haven't seen NYC, though I've been in it... or perhaps more precisely put, under it... I took a train from Newark (NJ) to New Haven (CT) and stopped briefly in Penn Station (NYC).

Unfortunately it cost a bit more than I expected (because I had to take amtrak instead of Metro north, and because I had to take business class instead of normal class). But I did get a free NYTimes and two free drinks. When I arrived in New Haven, I was still a bit far from Clinton, where I needed to meet up with Annie, so I asked the amtrak peeps how close they could get me (a taxi was 55$)... they said about 10 miles, and I'd have to wait 4 hours... but suggested I try the Greyhound... so I went to the greyhound and the guy put me on a bus to middletown, claiming that it was closer. I asked how close, but he didn't rightly know, and he also didn't rightly know where the heck it was.

A brief Geography interlude. New Haven and Clinton are both on the Shore of CT. And now back to the story.

While riding the bus I noticed that I hadn't seen any ocean yet, and that from the maps I've seen I should be able to at least occaisionally see ocean from the highway... then it hit me.

why would you name a place Middletown?

At that point I suspected correctly it was in the middle of the state... and instead of getting closer, I at best would be keeping my distance, but changing my direction from Clinton.

well I get to clinton and carry my pack and roll my suitcase to the police station and ask how far clinton is, hoping that they would say 10 minutes walk... His first response was promising "How are you getting there?"
"I haven't decided yet"
"By walk it's about... " (hope was in my ears at this) "4-6 hours" (correct the hope, insert disappointment) "by car about 25 minutes"

So I ended up calling Annie and begging a ride (the taxi was 57.50 from Middletown). And three-four hours later (she was in the middle of youth group) my valiant friend walks up the church steps where I'm reading and with a shocked smile (she hadn't seen me without long hair-- ever) welcomed me to the Nor-east.

So that's where I'm at. Most of my recent story is a bit boring and bland, involving sleep, dinner, scrabble, amazing weather, and prayer, so I'll not pain you with it.

God Bless!

Confused like the Dickens...

I have NO clue where I'm supposed to be in the fall... I thought it was supposed to be NYC, but several things have gotten alot more complicated (like registration)... that should have been simple affairs.

I fear that I might have to go to Iowa... or abroad... or Louisiana... or Texas... or Colorado...

Though I actually do think I'll end up in NYC, the events of late have been hard to read. And it's not that I'm worried, it's simply that I'm confused. I know God will take care of all the details...

In fact, I'm praying for a special intention that might change everything... don't ask me what the intention is, because frankly I don't even understand it.

Another funny thing is that I have been suggested to work with the Missionaries of Charity in the Bronx. They'd provide my meals and probably a place to sleep... which would make my whole life a lot easier... but the trade off would be working night shifts at the mens shelter... hmm

The Missing picture

Its the end? What?

(there is supposed to be a picture here, but the comps aren't cooperating and my friend leaves tomorrow morning so I'm jetting... loves you all.)

So I have about a week left and it's really getting to me already.

Luckily, one of my friends will be escorting us to Delhi on the train and everything, Zoe has been here with us since we began, and she's leaving the same time (and yes I have been misprounouncing her name for the past 3 months... its not Soh-E it's Zo-e) ... so it's really nice... its a bit depressing to abruptly leave all your friends, so its nice to have a weaning of sorts.

Everything is now taking on the tint of "this maybe the last time"... that bittersweetness that makes one cherish moments that otherwise would be mundane.

Its funny how watching T.V. even has become a bittersweet thing... its one of the last times I'll be with these people...

Tearful goodbyes

I've never been one for good byes. Ask my NET team about them, and I'm sure they'll tell you how cold I was about the deal. Even from the first day we met, I told them I'd probably not expect to talk to them again, save once a year or so. Which in most cases (if not all right now) is actually the fact. I've never been one for sentimentalism or the such.

But over the last few years, I've met more and more people that I've wanted to let into my life. And many of them I've had to say good bye to. I find it hard, sorrowful, tearful, sad.

Some of them I know I'll see again (I miss Louisiana SOOOOOO much!) and some I just hope to see again. The second are the ones that I've met here. Why don't I know I'll see them again?

I'm in Kolkata, and I'm leaving here too. Few of my friends are staying, and rarer yet are those that plan to be here in two years. In Louisiana, I just have to go to one place to find all my loved ones. For Kolkata, I have to hunt them down and throw a net over them, and then hope they don't spoil while I gather everyone else.

The Kolkata summer of 2006 is something that will never be played again. My friends even if we do keep in contact with, will never all be in the same place (unless I die, then I hope they all come to my funeral).

I'm not so sure I like this new warmth in my heart. It sorrta hurts, alot.
(7:40am July 31, 2006)

I've had a lot of time to think...

(those are bed bug bites on my head)

These past few weeks, I've had an inordinate amount of time to think and pray... and I've learned about myself in ways I never knew I would. Here are a few things that I'm willing to share ;-)

The people that annoy us the most, annoy us because they are the very mirrors of the things we hate about ourselves. The very things we struggle with are incarnate in them. There is only one rare exception to this, and that's when they display characteristics that we desire to have, but lack and their virtue convicts us of our failure to be virtuous.

Its an odd situation, but a person will not annoy you UNLESS there is something about them that sheds light upon your own struggles.

Due to this insight, which was at first a seed of a thought that was then fed by my spiritual director to a budding, I realised many things about my own struggles. How I hate people who teach me things, I hate people who order others around, I hate people who always have some reply to everything I say, I hate people who bring attention to themselves, I hate people who lead without humility and care. But I really learned that I really don't hate that person, but the source of the reflection, myself. I hate that I'm not as virtuous as I had hoped I would be by now. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate that I'm not holy.

This insight has helped me to begin to see where I need to change and how I need to do that. I just pray and hope that God will bring to fruition this that I know I can't do.

Hmm ( I think I've used this title before, but I think its a good one.)

(A place setting with our water urn and hand washing sink in the background)

So I'm back and life is about the same as it was. I'm excited. I'm dulled. I'm alive. I'm dead.

Sometimes you just can't capture emotion with words, or the complexities of the movements in a soul.

Lets just say I'm blessed.

(I totally missed this shot)

I had only 145 emails when I got back from my trip to the Father's house on a "Come and See". Which was nice because it only took two hours to go through. Today I got something that I didn't really expect to read... an email with a guy I had been talking with asking me to consider working in Ireland... I had earlier discerned it, and God told me that I'm supposed to be in NYC, but on the off chance that God wants to change His mind, I'll pray about it.

But an odd sense of peace is about my soul... and I expect God is assuring me that NYC is where I need to be. Even though in a way I'm terrified. But... on the other hand, after this past week, I think a year of ministry would do me good... in fact I think it would be a crucible that would greatly purify me. A cross that when I look back I was unwilling (and unable even) to bear when I went on NET.

Its amazing the things that come about in your soul when you sit with Christ for 3+ hours a day.

Talk is cheap

Ever hear yourself talk and wonder what the heck you're saying other than "me"?

I hear myself often and wonder why I even bother opening my mouth all the time.

"The simplest of all love songs I want to bring to you,
so I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with you."

(From Let My Words Be Few by Matt and Beth Redman)

Oft-times a haircut means a change in a person...

and sometimes the saying is right.

I made a vow and I cut my hair. Go figure. Acts 18 and Numbers 6 explain a little about the haircut... though its not for the same reasons (perhaps similar, but not exactly).

My hair just after my last shower with it... (I'm wearing a garland because somebody had a birthday at the computer store, and the owner bought everyone, circa 20 people, garlands to celebrate).
The photographer for the event, Renata the Croat. (They aparently don't call themselves Croatian or Croat, but Some word with an 'H'). (She's also on shore leave from the Hospital... they wouldn't let her out because they want to make more money... so she got a day pass...)
The Butcher and Victim... ;-)
Prep work...
The first cut.
And...
The final product.
A proud Sister and Stylist.
A group in awe at the change.

A well deserved meal (it wasn't as good as the Afghani Chicken, but still better than most of the food I've been eating lately).

Oh and Hettie's a Lush.

By the way I grabed a hair band as I was leaving for dinner and had to make a conscious effort to put it down, which didn't work until I argued to myself that my hair was cut and thus didn't need it. Also, I miss the easy access to floss.

Satan's a fool

So I've had much time to see Satan attacking the work of God here in India...

If you ever come here to Kolkata, just come to one of the Adorations or Masses in the Chapel of the Mother House... you'll discover how Satan tries everything he can to disrupt the Sisters and the Volunteers... and you'll also discover that despite his yelling, the Sisters remain focused on God.

The Chapel you see is right next to one of the loudest roads in Kolkata, and hearing someone 10 feet from you who is not yelling is a difficulty that can astonish any visitor. But despite the constant noise (that seems to peak around adoration time and mass time) the Sisters and volunteers pray, without raising their voices, in unison. A task I didn't think possible until I saw it.

Now when I pray, I actually think the room is silent. I barely if ever notice the noise, because of the focus God graces the Chapel with.

Satan also tries various other attacks... though from my experience they're quite unsuccessful in general.

Run away, Retreat!! Retreat!! Don't go on Retreat!!

Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains, and let the hills hear your voice!

Micah 6:1

So this past week I head up on a train to Siliguri, and then onwards to my retreat in Kurseong (3/4ths of the way up the mountain to Darjeeling). Luckily the Lord had given me the above verse, just before I left. I think He forsaw the struggle in my soul.

During the train ride, I began to doubt if I was supposed to go to a retreat. And I really wanted to go to Darjeeling with the group. I began to question if I should go to retreat, or just call it off, and hang out with the group.


Everything in my soul seemed against going to the retreat.


But one thing kept ringing in my head... present your plea before the mountains.

Then we got off the train and into the Sumo (a 10 person taxi-jeep) and started to head up the mountain. And my soul struggled more and more. "Why am I going to a retreat? The priest isn't even going to be there! I should go to Darjeeling and hangout."

But the voice kept repeating. Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains.

Yet the further up the mountain, the more my soul struggled, the more I felt oppressed. The more I hated to leave the group, the more I doubted. The more I called my self selfish and greedy for going on a retreat. The more I had to restrain myself from telling the driver to just go to Darjeeling.


Then I got out of the Taxi... they said it was Goethals... It wasn't. But luckily my few words of Hindi came in handy. "Kaha Goethals sei?" I said to a man descending a hill. He said 30 minutes up the mountain more. I was about to walk it, but he said to use the Taxi. I doubted it would be cheap, but it turned out to be only 10 rps.


The moment I got into the second Taxi, the moment I had fully committed to going to the retreat, the burden lifted from my soul. And joy began to swell up in my heart.


The moment I walked through the gate, a wave of peace washed over me and I knew this was where I was supposed to be. And I thanked the Lord for seeing the struggle and answering my prayers even before I knew I needed to pray.


The funny thing about the verse, was that it was the only one I had read out of my bible in a few weeks (outside of mass readings). I find that in times of great trial or in other times where God wants me to be reassured that a Word is from Him, He does this to me. He has me open the bible and immediately happen upon a verse that rings true in my soul... each time the verse has something very specific about my situation. And each time, following the Word brings great fruit.

images

Blog broke

So my blog broke and I lost alot of the template, so I took the opportunity to change it up a bit... hopefully I put everything back... but I'm sure I'll remember some details I need to add later.

Only Hope.

Only Hope by Caedmon's Call
-----------------------------
Depth of mercy can there be
Mercy still reserved for me
Can my God, your wrath forebear
Me the chief of sinners, spare

Chorus
It's my only hope
You're my only hope
It's my only hope of Heaven
At the cross forgiven

I have long withstood your grace
Long provoked you to your face
Would not harken to your calls
Grieved you by a thousand falls

(Chorus)

There for me the Savior stands
Shows his wounds and spreads His hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah I'm undone

Depth of mercy, vast and free
So much deeper than the sea
God of love, you heard my cry
Now into your open arms I fly

(Chorus)
---------------------
I don't know how to explain what is happening in my soul... but this song is perhaps a good start.

My prayers feel dry, but at the very same time I know I'm growing in faith. I know that my dedication is being rewarded by my King.

I know my darkness, and I'm dumbfounded by His Divine Mercy.

When the light shines, the shadows fall in a persons eyes. And the darkness in which they dwell is more evident. And as I've been sitting in Adoration with the Son exposed, the Light has been showing me the darkness that I wrestle with. And though I struggle, my Only Hope will redeem me and conquer the darkness for me. So long as I'm willing to sit in His rays and be Sonburned.

He wants you and me to be a great Saint, and I'm trying to lay down my life, that He may shine. I'm tired of not being the Saint He wants.

Lady Poverty

So I've been trying to reduce my clothing to two days worth, as a chosen poverty. So far I've only had a few issues... mostly concerning figuring out that I have to wash clothes every day. Which I now do in the shower every night. Its a bit freeing to have only two sets of clothes... but also a bit embarrassing at times, especially as I've chosen "poor peoples" clothes as my two sets (longhies and kurtas).

Though I still have several other luxuries. I have an mp3 player that I'd hate to part with, but could... I love that it brings me quickly into prayer... the music I have on it is exclusively Christian, which has been the staple of my auditory diet for years now. I also have a camera and voice recorder... both of which are for class, sponsor and personal use so I don't feel too guilty about them. Other than that, I carry two notebooks (a journal and a note taking notebook), my epipens, my inhalers, keys, watch(which I could really do without and would not mind losing), two pens, a liter of water, a devotional book to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a carabiner, a rosary, a rubber band (from take-away dinner last night), antibiotics (ciprofloxacin, I take one daily now...), a book I'm finishing reading on padre pio and a change purse with 282 rps and a reciept from my midmorning snack for 14 rps.

I also make use of a sheet, blanket, Shorter Christian Prayer book (divine office/liturgy of the hours), and contacts everyday.

So yes, I'm still living in mostly luxury, but right now I feel more called to embrace my health than to have even less...

I plan on sending a package back home soon with the majority of stuff I brought (minus all the med supplies). And maybe I'll finally send the package I've been meaning to send for over a month now...

Waiting

"my soul is waiting for the Lord, I count on his word. My
soul is longing for the Lord more than watchmen for daybreak."
psalm 130

I'm in the midst of petitioning an answer from God. I know He'll answer me, but I still long for His word. Because once He tells me, I can know what He wants, and once I know, I can go. In the meantime I wait patiently, longingly, lovingly for His nod.

Break

Sometimes I feel guilty about taking today off... but then I remember why.

My mind needs a break...

Yesterday I saw something that may haunt my memory every time I think of Calcutta, see a wound, a shin, kneel or see dirty white yarn. Amongst other possible memory triggers.

Some things are so horrific you can't help but have a minor psychological trauma attached.

Somethings are so bizzare that you wonder if they really existed.

It's one thing to see a fresh massive trauma in the USA, something that though I've never seen, I think I could now handle.

On a more cheerful note, I've been growing a fondness for bannanas and cornflakes... since they're exceptionally unoffensive to my stomach. And usually rather tasty.

I was eating Cornflakes and mango, but I think mango is acidic and lately I've been having some acid problems in my stomach... so I'm trying to cut as much out as possible.

I'm hoping to go buy a Churta (spelling?) or two... they're lightweight shirts, and currently my shirts are tearing or really really hot... so I need new ones for my health/covering my body needs.

New Book

I found this cool little Catholic shop near the Mother house, and the other day I was browsing their stock and found a gem!

St. Faustina's Diary!!
I'm so excited!

It was really cheap (210 rps new... which is roughly $4.50) so I purchased it... why? because I had listened to one of Fr. Stan's Podcasts Called "Conquered by Meekness" (A podcast is basically a blog made with audio files instead of text). The words I heard were incredibly beautiful and touching. Especially entry #1685... (you'll have to listen to it or buy the book to find out what the entry is!)

I also think I'm going to raid the catholic bookstores around here before I go back to the USA... get some really amazing books brand new for really really cheap.

I'm the king of the world!!!

This proves it...

Edward Aquinas Manuel Alonzo, III
~~Rex Imperator ~~

Novenas

So I've been praying to find out where I'm supposed to be in the fall... I was pretty sure I knew, but a few opportunities showed that I needed to discern.

So I prayed a novena to Blessed Teresa of Calcutta... I didn't get any answers, but I prayed it again and again. (And I'll probably continue to pray it while I'm here).

I didn't really give any specifics on how God could tell me His will on the first Novena, but on the second and third, I said "I'm going to NYC, if You want to tell me where You want me to go, give me a red rose for NYC (big apple), a white/green rose for Ireland, and a yellow or orange rose for India."

Then on the third novena, somewhere around the sixth day it was the feast of the Holy Trinity... and I got my answer in the form of three roses, one was given directly to me, and one was given to each of my companions... they were all red...

So no fear that I'll stay here... or go to Ireland.

You can find the novena on the http://motherteresa.org/ website under prayer and then novena.

Pain

last night my eye got worse... so bad that any light on it caused great pain... even light shinning into my left eye (that wasn't irritated) would cause pain in my right (I figured how this worked this morning... if one pupil dialates the other tries to as well...)

And headlights and artificial light hurt most (flourescent was the worst).

Even if my eyes were closed, and a light shined on my face, I'd have pain in direct proportion to it's intensity... so a really bright headlight would be a large dagger being thrust into my eye socket.

Everyone wanted to help and everyone was concerned... but after the 10th (litterally around 30-40 people asked me) person asking me what's wrong, trying to help, offering their oppinion, the throbbing pains not being helped, and my stomach still growling, I got rather irritable.

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't suffer pain very well at all. Instead of finding joy in all things, pain makes me want to kill the next person to ask what's wrong. Well maybe not kill or even maim, but somewhere approaching yelling.

This is definitely something I need to work on.

Where I'm from...

States I've lived for at least a month (I'll be in NY this coming fall)


create your own visited states map


States I've visited... I've probably visited more on the east coast, but I'll hold out on changing the picture until the fall... thats when I'll definately have done them all...


create your own visited states map

Congrats lil sis

So today my little sister graduates High School and gets confirmed...
I'm proud of you!
Congratulations Brittany, I love you.

Three cheesy jokes

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese.
(courtesy of my little sister Brittany)

What do you call cheese that you eat when you're sneezing?
Na-Aa-achooo cheese.
(courtesy of Frederik, in response to Brittany's joke)

Readings

A Calcutta street at night

Tomorrow is a reading holiday! (well its our day off, so I'm going to read.)

Right now I'm working on two books... Story of a Soul (autobiography of st. therese of liseux) and a doctor at calvary. Both are books that I recommend, though Story of a Soul is a MUST (i've only read the first half of the first chapter and I LOVE IT). Doctor at Calvary is at first a bit scientific, but it rapidly evokes great beauty that even brought pope Benedict XV (or Pius something or other) to tears after reading one paragraph.

Howra bridge

My knee is doing well... a bit pained, but Sister gave me some chemical cold packs to use... and hopefully it will get me back to work on friday, or maybe God will provide another secret mission, like He did today. :-) I do like how He finds ways for even those of us who aren't fully functional to serve Him. (He actually gave me two missions, both of which no one else will know until heaven. So don't try to figure them out. ;-) )

God is Good! (And He makes me smile ;-) )

silent trembling: Lead on.

I really like this poem from:
silent trembling: Lead on.

Lead on.

Looking in your eyes
I know I've done something wrong.
But I won't let on.
I won't let on.

I've hurt you, and you don't know
you can't imagine
You're darling to my heart
and I've done something wrong.
so I won't let on,
I won't let on.

I don't know yet how to fix this
I don't know yet what I'll do
I don't know yet what to tell you.
but I've done something wrong.
So I won't let on,
I won't let on.

Let me sit here, beneath your cross
beneath the blood stains that purify
let me sit here and understand
all that I did,
let me understand.
Let me sit.
because I've done something wrong
and I won't let on,
I won't let on.

So I was helping...

One of my assignments at the motherhouse yesterday was to set up a type of written book checkout system for the volunteers... while going through the books and writting down their titles and their number, I came across "E 64 St. Maximilian Kolbe: Saint of Auschwitz", and though the Sister had already suggested I read Story of a Soul, I also picked up this one.

The book is amazing and many times I felt completely overcome by Christ's love and Mary's love... I read the first half in my room under a nice fan (after taking a shower) and the second half I read at JoJo's a restaurant/juice shop right near my house that has fans and moderate A/C.

During the second half I found myself with my head down often hiding the overwhelming tears that come from seeing something beautiful.

St. Maximilian Kolbe offered to take the place of another inmate who had been chosen to die of starvation (10 had been chosen to die of starvation and dehydration in retalliation for the escape of another inmate). The inmate whom St. Maximilian Kolbe replaced, had a family.

Though suffering from TB and other maladies, St. Maximilian Kolbe was one of the last four alive after two weeks of starvation, and the only one concious and sitting up. On August 14th, 1941, the cell had to be prepared for another group set to die the same fate. A doctor entered and delivered a leathal dose of carbolic acid to the four inmates.

Faustina and Fortuna

I was listening to Fr. Stan's website... and I heard this...
"Where there is pride, I am not there." ~God to Faustina (#1563)

"My daughter, your struggle will last until death. Your last breath will mark its end. You shall conquer by meekness." #1597

"Entrust everything to me, and do nothing on your own, and you will always have great freedom. This is the fruit of the surrender, because then He will exalt you in due time. No circumstances or events will be able to upset you. Set little store on what people say. Let everyone judge you as they like. Let your spirit rise above all that. Set free from everything, rest close to my heart."#1685

"learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves." Mt 11:29

"To live is to annoy, to live is to be annoyed. " #82 of Fr. Stan's notes. CFR 06 LR (Annual CFR retreat 2006)

"Good people shinning their light are sickening. Humility: Good people getting better let their light shine." #49

Choice of Service

If you had no choice but to serve would you?

It's odd, but I feel like I'm in that place, though it's not as restricted as it sounds, I actually feel freer than I've ever felt.

I have no choice but to serve my God. He's been gracious to me and shown His faithfulness countless times each day. My options are simple. His life or my death.

And to me there seems no choice. His life is so much more amazing than my death. The death that comes from the inward darkness that spoils all goodness (concupiscence).

So every morning I wake to my alarm at 430, and though I do snooze a few times, I pick myself up out of bed and prepare myself for the day. Knowing that if I don't serve, there will be two hands and feet less to care for these people, to care for Christ. And that's not something I'm willing to be responsible for.

And every night I walk for about an hour just to spend an hour in Adoration and thanksgiving of His greatness... it's a selfish time, where I get to spend a quite space with my Love. Just staring at Him, sitting with Him, listening to His breath. Its the time I draw nearer my love and He draws nearer to me... a time not spoilt by doing, but enhanced by being. (I like to run to Him sometimes, and steal a few extra minutes in His embrace). If only I was called to be a hermit.

two humbling experiences...

Being called prayerful by someone you consider prayerful.
Being told you did good when you know it was only God and that you did nothing.

Vocare (Latin for "to call")

Why does the Lord choose us?
What have we to offer infinite goodness?
When I think of His mercy and desire for me, I'm unable to speak. I just have to sit and write.
I can't express with words or unexpressible groanings what I feel. The closest would be overwhelming tears welling up inside from joy and sorrow.
But even that doesn't convey it. But I imagine that everyone knows this feeling even if we can't express it. The feeling of being overwhelmed by God (even if we don't know that's what it is).

I'm selfish, weak, poor and greedy.
What have I to offer infinite goodness?

Song

I really like this song Vincible from Sonar (a group that plays at Stuebenville youth conferences)
It's so amazing and powerful. And the last line is so overwhelming in the song.

"Hurry up and place your bets and jokey for your position
this race has begun in the journey of life"
I said "please mister auctioneer give me a minute
To figure out just what it is that I want to buy

But if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

I swear I think I've tried all the gimmicks
And each one of them kept working to no avail
And even this ladder I've built
has been crushed by the weight of my ambition

And I'll build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing
I stumble on my own feet
With out you I am nothing
and I don't have the air to breath
With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing

cause if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing

Without you. I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing.

Tedium

I feel the tedium setting in, the daily grind, the struggle to embrace the call when it's no longer fantastic and new, but when it's become familiar. This is the struggle that everyone has, where ever you are. But daily I'm renewed in Christ, and all I can do is offer my desire to relax and remember that my vocation is to serve my Lord... and such a wonderful Lord deserves gratitude from His servants. He deserves my willingness to embrace the dying, to feed, clothe, massage Him in them and they in Him.

But its so hard when I catch a breather to find a pace that will sustain my enthusiasm and also that leads me daily to sacrifice myself more and more.

Lord Jesus Christ, Guide me in serving your people. Help me to overcome myself and embrace you in thanksgiving. Amen.

Cleanliness

Removed and Reposted on Faith or Bust

Oh...

oh and I might be helping out with some retreats... more information to follow... one will be for youth and another I can't really talk about yet... but it's pretty cool if I do get to work with them! (sister asked me to help...).

Kat's in India...

So yesterday on a day I wasn't supposed to go to orientation (supposed to be this past monday but got stuck in howra across the river) in a month I wasn't supposed to be in Calcutta (supposed to be in Darmasala or elsewhere) . I bumped into Kat.

I was early and talking with one of the lead guys when I heard some girls sign in. I turned and looked saw some americans and then was about to turn back when I thought I recognised one... I said Kat? and without turning she said Yup. or something like that... the rest of the time she pretty much ignored me and her friend kim pretty much tried politely to direct questions to others but not to me. So It's odd... but c'est la vie. I'll still say hi when I see her. It was good to see her.

Jury duty

Got called up for Jury duty... I'm in India... and also in school... funny...

also just checked my grades and... I got two A-, 1 B, and 1 C- (I didn't turn a paper in due to time constraints and my last few hell weeks at school). So now my GPA dropped to 3.52 but that's still good... and still qualifies me for graduating with honors I believe.