Run away, Retreat!! Retreat!! Don't go on Retreat!!

Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains, and let the hills hear your voice!

Micah 6:1

So this past week I head up on a train to Siliguri, and then onwards to my retreat in Kurseong (3/4ths of the way up the mountain to Darjeeling). Luckily the Lord had given me the above verse, just before I left. I think He forsaw the struggle in my soul.

During the train ride, I began to doubt if I was supposed to go to a retreat. And I really wanted to go to Darjeeling with the group. I began to question if I should go to retreat, or just call it off, and hang out with the group.


Everything in my soul seemed against going to the retreat.


But one thing kept ringing in my head... present your plea before the mountains.

Then we got off the train and into the Sumo (a 10 person taxi-jeep) and started to head up the mountain. And my soul struggled more and more. "Why am I going to a retreat? The priest isn't even going to be there! I should go to Darjeeling and hangout."

But the voice kept repeating. Hear, then, what the LORD says: Arise, present your plea before the mountains.

Yet the further up the mountain, the more my soul struggled, the more I felt oppressed. The more I hated to leave the group, the more I doubted. The more I called my self selfish and greedy for going on a retreat. The more I had to restrain myself from telling the driver to just go to Darjeeling.


Then I got out of the Taxi... they said it was Goethals... It wasn't. But luckily my few words of Hindi came in handy. "Kaha Goethals sei?" I said to a man descending a hill. He said 30 minutes up the mountain more. I was about to walk it, but he said to use the Taxi. I doubted it would be cheap, but it turned out to be only 10 rps.


The moment I got into the second Taxi, the moment I had fully committed to going to the retreat, the burden lifted from my soul. And joy began to swell up in my heart.


The moment I walked through the gate, a wave of peace washed over me and I knew this was where I was supposed to be. And I thanked the Lord for seeing the struggle and answering my prayers even before I knew I needed to pray.


The funny thing about the verse, was that it was the only one I had read out of my bible in a few weeks (outside of mass readings). I find that in times of great trial or in other times where God wants me to be reassured that a Word is from Him, He does this to me. He has me open the bible and immediately happen upon a verse that rings true in my soul... each time the verse has something very specific about my situation. And each time, following the Word brings great fruit.

images

Blog broke

So my blog broke and I lost alot of the template, so I took the opportunity to change it up a bit... hopefully I put everything back... but I'm sure I'll remember some details I need to add later.

Only Hope.

Only Hope by Caedmon's Call
-----------------------------
Depth of mercy can there be
Mercy still reserved for me
Can my God, your wrath forebear
Me the chief of sinners, spare

Chorus
It's my only hope
You're my only hope
It's my only hope of Heaven
At the cross forgiven

I have long withstood your grace
Long provoked you to your face
Would not harken to your calls
Grieved you by a thousand falls

(Chorus)

There for me the Savior stands
Shows his wounds and spreads His hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah I'm undone

Depth of mercy, vast and free
So much deeper than the sea
God of love, you heard my cry
Now into your open arms I fly

(Chorus)
---------------------
I don't know how to explain what is happening in my soul... but this song is perhaps a good start.

My prayers feel dry, but at the very same time I know I'm growing in faith. I know that my dedication is being rewarded by my King.

I know my darkness, and I'm dumbfounded by His Divine Mercy.

When the light shines, the shadows fall in a persons eyes. And the darkness in which they dwell is more evident. And as I've been sitting in Adoration with the Son exposed, the Light has been showing me the darkness that I wrestle with. And though I struggle, my Only Hope will redeem me and conquer the darkness for me. So long as I'm willing to sit in His rays and be Sonburned.

He wants you and me to be a great Saint, and I'm trying to lay down my life, that He may shine. I'm tired of not being the Saint He wants.

Lady Poverty

So I've been trying to reduce my clothing to two days worth, as a chosen poverty. So far I've only had a few issues... mostly concerning figuring out that I have to wash clothes every day. Which I now do in the shower every night. Its a bit freeing to have only two sets of clothes... but also a bit embarrassing at times, especially as I've chosen "poor peoples" clothes as my two sets (longhies and kurtas).

Though I still have several other luxuries. I have an mp3 player that I'd hate to part with, but could... I love that it brings me quickly into prayer... the music I have on it is exclusively Christian, which has been the staple of my auditory diet for years now. I also have a camera and voice recorder... both of which are for class, sponsor and personal use so I don't feel too guilty about them. Other than that, I carry two notebooks (a journal and a note taking notebook), my epipens, my inhalers, keys, watch(which I could really do without and would not mind losing), two pens, a liter of water, a devotional book to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a carabiner, a rosary, a rubber band (from take-away dinner last night), antibiotics (ciprofloxacin, I take one daily now...), a book I'm finishing reading on padre pio and a change purse with 282 rps and a reciept from my midmorning snack for 14 rps.

I also make use of a sheet, blanket, Shorter Christian Prayer book (divine office/liturgy of the hours), and contacts everyday.

So yes, I'm still living in mostly luxury, but right now I feel more called to embrace my health than to have even less...

I plan on sending a package back home soon with the majority of stuff I brought (minus all the med supplies). And maybe I'll finally send the package I've been meaning to send for over a month now...

Waiting

"my soul is waiting for the Lord, I count on his word. My
soul is longing for the Lord more than watchmen for daybreak."
psalm 130

I'm in the midst of petitioning an answer from God. I know He'll answer me, but I still long for His word. Because once He tells me, I can know what He wants, and once I know, I can go. In the meantime I wait patiently, longingly, lovingly for His nod.

Break

Sometimes I feel guilty about taking today off... but then I remember why.

My mind needs a break...

Yesterday I saw something that may haunt my memory every time I think of Calcutta, see a wound, a shin, kneel or see dirty white yarn. Amongst other possible memory triggers.

Some things are so horrific you can't help but have a minor psychological trauma attached.

Somethings are so bizzare that you wonder if they really existed.

It's one thing to see a fresh massive trauma in the USA, something that though I've never seen, I think I could now handle.

On a more cheerful note, I've been growing a fondness for bannanas and cornflakes... since they're exceptionally unoffensive to my stomach. And usually rather tasty.

I was eating Cornflakes and mango, but I think mango is acidic and lately I've been having some acid problems in my stomach... so I'm trying to cut as much out as possible.

I'm hoping to go buy a Churta (spelling?) or two... they're lightweight shirts, and currently my shirts are tearing or really really hot... so I need new ones for my health/covering my body needs.

New Book

I found this cool little Catholic shop near the Mother house, and the other day I was browsing their stock and found a gem!

St. Faustina's Diary!!
I'm so excited!

It was really cheap (210 rps new... which is roughly $4.50) so I purchased it... why? because I had listened to one of Fr. Stan's Podcasts Called "Conquered by Meekness" (A podcast is basically a blog made with audio files instead of text). The words I heard were incredibly beautiful and touching. Especially entry #1685... (you'll have to listen to it or buy the book to find out what the entry is!)

I also think I'm going to raid the catholic bookstores around here before I go back to the USA... get some really amazing books brand new for really really cheap.

I'm the king of the world!!!

This proves it...

Edward Aquinas Manuel Alonzo, III
~~Rex Imperator ~~

Novenas

So I've been praying to find out where I'm supposed to be in the fall... I was pretty sure I knew, but a few opportunities showed that I needed to discern.

So I prayed a novena to Blessed Teresa of Calcutta... I didn't get any answers, but I prayed it again and again. (And I'll probably continue to pray it while I'm here).

I didn't really give any specifics on how God could tell me His will on the first Novena, but on the second and third, I said "I'm going to NYC, if You want to tell me where You want me to go, give me a red rose for NYC (big apple), a white/green rose for Ireland, and a yellow or orange rose for India."

Then on the third novena, somewhere around the sixth day it was the feast of the Holy Trinity... and I got my answer in the form of three roses, one was given directly to me, and one was given to each of my companions... they were all red...

So no fear that I'll stay here... or go to Ireland.

You can find the novena on the http://motherteresa.org/ website under prayer and then novena.

Pain

last night my eye got worse... so bad that any light on it caused great pain... even light shinning into my left eye (that wasn't irritated) would cause pain in my right (I figured how this worked this morning... if one pupil dialates the other tries to as well...)

And headlights and artificial light hurt most (flourescent was the worst).

Even if my eyes were closed, and a light shined on my face, I'd have pain in direct proportion to it's intensity... so a really bright headlight would be a large dagger being thrust into my eye socket.

Everyone wanted to help and everyone was concerned... but after the 10th (litterally around 30-40 people asked me) person asking me what's wrong, trying to help, offering their oppinion, the throbbing pains not being helped, and my stomach still growling, I got rather irritable.

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't suffer pain very well at all. Instead of finding joy in all things, pain makes me want to kill the next person to ask what's wrong. Well maybe not kill or even maim, but somewhere approaching yelling.

This is definitely something I need to work on.

Where I'm from...

States I've lived for at least a month (I'll be in NY this coming fall)


create your own visited states map


States I've visited... I've probably visited more on the east coast, but I'll hold out on changing the picture until the fall... thats when I'll definately have done them all...


create your own visited states map

Congrats lil sis

So today my little sister graduates High School and gets confirmed...
I'm proud of you!
Congratulations Brittany, I love you.

Three cheesy jokes

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese.
(courtesy of my little sister Brittany)

What do you call cheese that you eat when you're sneezing?
Na-Aa-achooo cheese.
(courtesy of Frederik, in response to Brittany's joke)

Readings

A Calcutta street at night

Tomorrow is a reading holiday! (well its our day off, so I'm going to read.)

Right now I'm working on two books... Story of a Soul (autobiography of st. therese of liseux) and a doctor at calvary. Both are books that I recommend, though Story of a Soul is a MUST (i've only read the first half of the first chapter and I LOVE IT). Doctor at Calvary is at first a bit scientific, but it rapidly evokes great beauty that even brought pope Benedict XV (or Pius something or other) to tears after reading one paragraph.

Howra bridge

My knee is doing well... a bit pained, but Sister gave me some chemical cold packs to use... and hopefully it will get me back to work on friday, or maybe God will provide another secret mission, like He did today. :-) I do like how He finds ways for even those of us who aren't fully functional to serve Him. (He actually gave me two missions, both of which no one else will know until heaven. So don't try to figure them out. ;-) )

God is Good! (And He makes me smile ;-) )

silent trembling: Lead on.

I really like this poem from:
silent trembling: Lead on.

Lead on.

Looking in your eyes
I know I've done something wrong.
But I won't let on.
I won't let on.

I've hurt you, and you don't know
you can't imagine
You're darling to my heart
and I've done something wrong.
so I won't let on,
I won't let on.

I don't know yet how to fix this
I don't know yet what I'll do
I don't know yet what to tell you.
but I've done something wrong.
So I won't let on,
I won't let on.

Let me sit here, beneath your cross
beneath the blood stains that purify
let me sit here and understand
all that I did,
let me understand.
Let me sit.
because I've done something wrong
and I won't let on,
I won't let on.

So I was helping...

One of my assignments at the motherhouse yesterday was to set up a type of written book checkout system for the volunteers... while going through the books and writting down their titles and their number, I came across "E 64 St. Maximilian Kolbe: Saint of Auschwitz", and though the Sister had already suggested I read Story of a Soul, I also picked up this one.

The book is amazing and many times I felt completely overcome by Christ's love and Mary's love... I read the first half in my room under a nice fan (after taking a shower) and the second half I read at JoJo's a restaurant/juice shop right near my house that has fans and moderate A/C.

During the second half I found myself with my head down often hiding the overwhelming tears that come from seeing something beautiful.

St. Maximilian Kolbe offered to take the place of another inmate who had been chosen to die of starvation (10 had been chosen to die of starvation and dehydration in retalliation for the escape of another inmate). The inmate whom St. Maximilian Kolbe replaced, had a family.

Though suffering from TB and other maladies, St. Maximilian Kolbe was one of the last four alive after two weeks of starvation, and the only one concious and sitting up. On August 14th, 1941, the cell had to be prepared for another group set to die the same fate. A doctor entered and delivered a leathal dose of carbolic acid to the four inmates.

Faustina and Fortuna

I was listening to Fr. Stan's website... and I heard this...
"Where there is pride, I am not there." ~God to Faustina (#1563)

"My daughter, your struggle will last until death. Your last breath will mark its end. You shall conquer by meekness." #1597

"Entrust everything to me, and do nothing on your own, and you will always have great freedom. This is the fruit of the surrender, because then He will exalt you in due time. No circumstances or events will be able to upset you. Set little store on what people say. Let everyone judge you as they like. Let your spirit rise above all that. Set free from everything, rest close to my heart."#1685

"learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves." Mt 11:29

"To live is to annoy, to live is to be annoyed. " #82 of Fr. Stan's notes. CFR 06 LR (Annual CFR retreat 2006)

"Good people shinning their light are sickening. Humility: Good people getting better let their light shine." #49

Choice of Service

If you had no choice but to serve would you?

It's odd, but I feel like I'm in that place, though it's not as restricted as it sounds, I actually feel freer than I've ever felt.

I have no choice but to serve my God. He's been gracious to me and shown His faithfulness countless times each day. My options are simple. His life or my death.

And to me there seems no choice. His life is so much more amazing than my death. The death that comes from the inward darkness that spoils all goodness (concupiscence).

So every morning I wake to my alarm at 430, and though I do snooze a few times, I pick myself up out of bed and prepare myself for the day. Knowing that if I don't serve, there will be two hands and feet less to care for these people, to care for Christ. And that's not something I'm willing to be responsible for.

And every night I walk for about an hour just to spend an hour in Adoration and thanksgiving of His greatness... it's a selfish time, where I get to spend a quite space with my Love. Just staring at Him, sitting with Him, listening to His breath. Its the time I draw nearer my love and He draws nearer to me... a time not spoilt by doing, but enhanced by being. (I like to run to Him sometimes, and steal a few extra minutes in His embrace). If only I was called to be a hermit.

two humbling experiences...

Being called prayerful by someone you consider prayerful.
Being told you did good when you know it was only God and that you did nothing.

Vocare (Latin for "to call")

Why does the Lord choose us?
What have we to offer infinite goodness?
When I think of His mercy and desire for me, I'm unable to speak. I just have to sit and write.
I can't express with words or unexpressible groanings what I feel. The closest would be overwhelming tears welling up inside from joy and sorrow.
But even that doesn't convey it. But I imagine that everyone knows this feeling even if we can't express it. The feeling of being overwhelmed by God (even if we don't know that's what it is).

I'm selfish, weak, poor and greedy.
What have I to offer infinite goodness?

Song

I really like this song Vincible from Sonar (a group that plays at Stuebenville youth conferences)
It's so amazing and powerful. And the last line is so overwhelming in the song.

"Hurry up and place your bets and jokey for your position
this race has begun in the journey of life"
I said "please mister auctioneer give me a minute
To figure out just what it is that I want to buy

But if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

I swear I think I've tried all the gimmicks
And each one of them kept working to no avail
And even this ladder I've built
has been crushed by the weight of my ambition

And I'll build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing
Without you.

With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing
I stumble on my own feet
With out you I am nothing
and I don't have the air to breath
With out you I am nothing
With out you I am nothing

cause if I build me a house of gold
Still nothing would compare to your Light
And if theres one thing I can't do it's settle
Cause I've tasted your joy
I've been given the skies

Cause Without you I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing

Without you. I know I am nothing
Without you I stumble on my own feet
Without you I don't have the air to breath
I know that I am nothing.

Tedium

I feel the tedium setting in, the daily grind, the struggle to embrace the call when it's no longer fantastic and new, but when it's become familiar. This is the struggle that everyone has, where ever you are. But daily I'm renewed in Christ, and all I can do is offer my desire to relax and remember that my vocation is to serve my Lord... and such a wonderful Lord deserves gratitude from His servants. He deserves my willingness to embrace the dying, to feed, clothe, massage Him in them and they in Him.

But its so hard when I catch a breather to find a pace that will sustain my enthusiasm and also that leads me daily to sacrifice myself more and more.

Lord Jesus Christ, Guide me in serving your people. Help me to overcome myself and embrace you in thanksgiving. Amen.

Cleanliness

Removed and Reposted on Faith or Bust

Oh...

oh and I might be helping out with some retreats... more information to follow... one will be for youth and another I can't really talk about yet... but it's pretty cool if I do get to work with them! (sister asked me to help...).

Kat's in India...

So yesterday on a day I wasn't supposed to go to orientation (supposed to be this past monday but got stuck in howra across the river) in a month I wasn't supposed to be in Calcutta (supposed to be in Darmasala or elsewhere) . I bumped into Kat.

I was early and talking with one of the lead guys when I heard some girls sign in. I turned and looked saw some americans and then was about to turn back when I thought I recognised one... I said Kat? and without turning she said Yup. or something like that... the rest of the time she pretty much ignored me and her friend kim pretty much tried politely to direct questions to others but not to me. So It's odd... but c'est la vie. I'll still say hi when I see her. It was good to see her.

Jury duty

Got called up for Jury duty... I'm in India... and also in school... funny...

also just checked my grades and... I got two A-, 1 B, and 1 C- (I didn't turn a paper in due to time constraints and my last few hell weeks at school). So now my GPA dropped to 3.52 but that's still good... and still qualifies me for graduating with honors I believe.

Update

Quick update... I got sick from one of the immunizations and am not yet fully recovered (though I'd place myself circa 85-95% at any given moment.)

Been busy like crazy... Even after writting two papers this past week (and working on others), I have a todo list of 7 papers (two of which are a series of three essays, and three of which are 10 page papers, one final to study for (I decided to drop one of my other finals as it could only marginally increase my grade) and I also have to write a proposal for one of my Independent studies in India... all this week In addition to friday being booked every fifteen minutes from 7am-9pm with checkouts and saturday from 7am-3pm (though not solid on saturday), moving myself out, adding two degree plans, having an appointment with Financial aid, and doing various sundry items for the India trip that have to be done this week...

But things are plugging along... most stuff is done for India, so things that don't have to be done by the end of this week can wait...

My friend Adrienne Sampson told me to think of it this way... in a week it HAS to be done with... so one way or the other it's going to be done. And that's okay.

Breakfast

:-) YUMMY! (and pretty too)

(the "table" aka cooler is set with bread, strawberries, an orange, honey, brie, and irish cheddar.)

Sickness

The fever just broke from getting my immunization shot... I think it was the polio that made me sick... though it could've been the pneumonia... but it definitely wasn't the tetanus. That arm is feeling fine... its the other one that's in large amounts of pain...

I was out for all of yesterday and since the evening of the day before (I only woke up to go to pray with Brendan.)

Well I'm getting better now, so praise God!

Keybox

Student Death

so student death has something that really really ROCKS!

Their traveler's nurse and program is fantastic and from what I can tell very very thorough.

KUDOS to student death for promoting life in a fantastic manner!

If you ever plan to travel outside of the US, go to student death 3-4 months in advance and ask about the travelers program to ensure you get the full immunization plans. (else they'll just have to make due with the time they have, and you won't be able to get the longer regimens)

pretty

flowers

I got flowers today!
Easter lilies in fact!

I discovered them outside my door on my way back from scuttling to the restroom this morning... they apparently had been left outside the door of my room sometime in the morning...

And I THOUGHT I knew who gave them to me... so I thanked her... turns out it wasn't her... so all day I was trying to figure out who it was... It could be ... but that would be drama... or it could be... hmm...

Then finally after asking a few friends I decided to ask one of my best friends here... and yup it was her! Thank you Holly! I love the Flowers!!!

The first picture of my new camera!

So I got an award tonight...

The award is for "Student Change Agent of the Year"

The award itself is not really of import to me, as truly it is not I that changed anything.

What's important is that it might have opened up a new group of people for Faith or Bust. Many of those are very important people in the ISU hierarchy

An opportunity pointed out to me by my old advisor.

May God bless what ever may come.

want 600$?

check this site out...
http://www.internetopiniongroup.com/product_detail.jsp?product_id=4927&bid=3

if you want to try for 800$ use this one...
http://www.internetopiniongroup.com/landings/iog_template_06.jsp?product_id=4928&pid=1844165779&cid=670803&lid=1108

So lemme esplain...

I've actually completed the process... and got a $600 visa gift card... no not a bike but the bike's value on a gift card... if you read the rules and follow them... not fearful to pester when things dont update on time, you should get your gift card and spend it within the span of one semester... and it actually takes minmal work, just diligence and you can choose programs that are free and useful like a free trial at Blockbuster or the like... just make sure you drop the free trial before your credit card gets charged.

Gerber Knives

So we were looking at knives... as we might purchase a quality low cost one for our trip... and we came across this... Gerber's new Campaign... The first one is pretty funny... the rest moderately so. And they have a efw more.
http://www.gerbergear.com/

Concert

So I'm one of two RAs for Freeman Hall... and last night was the Freeman Spring Concert which had the bands:

Plain white T's
Lucky Boy's Confusion
Tub Ring
Envy Corps
Stuck with Arthur
Sweet Afton

I never heard any of them before, but they ROCKED! It was a blast.

My Hall puts on this concert with our Alumni Committee (yeah my hall has an Alumni association! Its new this year, but will probably keep on keepin on)

And we all helped out with the concert, we had an Exec. Council which did most of the planning and the rest of us helped where we could in the planning but mostly helped in volunteering to staff it. I helped out at the last minute, but (partly because the guys knew me a little and I was the RA) was quickly put to work... I got to hang out with the bands in the Green room, and LBC (lucky boys confusion) lead Stubhy said he'd help me out with info on India... he was really chill and excited to help... he also gave me some ideas about getting a cell over in india, or a sidekick.

After being general "event staff" for a bit, I ended up gurading one of the backstage entrances and was shifted to security (so I got a security shirt too) and that was fun... I was eventually relieved and put up on barracade duty (at the front of the stage) and helped pull down crowd surfers to safety (if we didnt they'd get head dropped right after the barracades). The a whole group of us went crowd surfing as well (my first time, and we took off our staff shirts first ;-) ) it pretty much rocked and the music was awesome...

And I think I like crowd surfing alot... but I'd probably not do it anywhere else as there, I knew what was happening and where the crowd would keep you up and where they'd drop you. (since I saw if from security's perspective.)

Stuck with Arthur was really nice too! I chilled with their Merch girl (who is dating the drummer, I think).

The bands were really cool.

I also got some trinkets from the show... two set lists from Plain White T's, a set list from Stuck with Arthur, a drum stick that was left on the stage, a drum stick head that broke off while one of the bands was playing and a whole assortment of 5 picks...

All in all I was really impressed by how my guys helped put this thing on!

Embarrassing

I just had a very humbling experience.

We just had a workshop in my Creative Nonfiction class

Where we all had anonymously written book proposals

We voted for the top 3 and mine came in fourth, by one vote.

#4 had 6 votes #3 had 7 #2 had 7 and # 1 had 12 (out of a max of 16)

After voting our pieces were still anonymous and everyone was trying to figure out whose was whose?

Everyone kept saying that #1 (about harvesting your crops and writing a diary and cook book) must be mine, because it was so well written and “really good”.

It wasn’t and mine was in my view a distant distant fourth to the writing.

I didn’t even follow the directions correctly and I came in fourth… even if I had followed correctly, I still would’ve paled to the Harvest.

It’s humbling for others to think you so great that you wrote something so good.

And more humbling to know you could never.

Updates...

I now have an events calendar at the bottom of my page.

Also two new blogs are now going public!

For my trip to India this summer:
http://faithorbust.blogspot.com

For my trip to NYC this next year:
http://faithorbustNYC.blogspot.com

Just breathe

I just realised I have 5 weeks left to get stuff done... and I have more than 5 wks worth of work to do... and then I also have the india trip and the NYC stuff... OH GOD!

So universal

So I used to really love Sinead O'Connor's music... and today I finally listened to my old CD... and all I gots ta say is wow... I still love her music... only now I understand the words I once thought I understood...

Funny how pain is so universal.

The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance
This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love

Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalise the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already

But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

New Wallpaper

From: http://www.marian.org/divinemercy/desk/hyla_l.html

others available from: http://www.marian.org/divinemercy/desktops.html

Humbling...

Sorry if it seems like I've talked a lot. Its really great to hear from you. If I never said thank you, I'd like to say it now. You are the one who really helped me begin on this journey following Christ. I think it started with the first time I went on Quest, and then Steubenville, and then the Youth Ministry. Even though you're gone, I still look up to you as a role model. You are really a great person, and I hope you know that. So thank you for everything.

One of my guys from when I was a youth minister in San Antonio wrote this to me... its funny, because I felt so broken when I worked as a youth minister... and so useless and so horrible at the job. I've said many times that that was the job I failed most at... the job that I could have done so much more or just been adequate, but instead I just failed.

And then to get a letter from one of the youth saying thanks, and how I let Christ shine just enough to change him... it humbles me to realise how only Christ could have done it... because I certainly couldn't.

Thank you Lord, for letting me let you Shine.

Don't Miss the Sights of New Orleans!

(below are two journal entries from N.O.)

535pm 3.13.6

New Orleans is Devastated. Whole communities destroyed, everywhere tent cities, trailer parks and refugee camps. N.O.L.A. is destroyed.

Orange and black spray paint testify, NOPD, No Entry, Unsafe. 25 fish, 1 Crab, Dead Dog. Dead. The last is the worst. Dead. No longer animal life searched out by the SPCA… human. A simple word spray painted with a shivering hand. How can this be? D-E-A- my God! D.

How can any one person experience this whole. I’ve seen parts I’ve seen waterlines from 3 feet to over a roof… houses on houses. Houses on cars. Four houses from different blocks now one. Now sharing walls. Red fading into wood and white trim into blue; fading into wood and white trim, into pink; fading into wood and white trim, into pistachio. Chunks of metal formerly known by families as vans. Warehouses flattened. Black mold swarming white sheet rock. Refrigerators that must be duct tapped and sealed. DON’T OPEN THEM –EVER.

Everything Out. Down to the studs. All walls except exterior – out. Axes, sledgehammers, crowbars and boots. Kicking them in can be easiest… except on plaster and slats. Push on through to the other side, warn them first, fogged goggles and change your mask frequently. Drink water and breath fresh air then look next door and realize you’re surrounded.

A dead city. With pockets of life. Our camp is luxury – a better bed than my dorm, maybe not by looks, but by comfort. Better food and warm showers, generators, AC and flushing toilets. Most people have water now… maybe not power but water. Few street lights work from damage or odd traffic patterns, they now flash Red-Red – Red. Welcome to NOLA.

1146pm
We drove through the 9^th ward looking at the devastation of blocks and blocks of neighborhood. Houses in the middle of roads, cars flipped on top of others. Sheer unadulterated devastation. “Wherever you are.” “What?” “Oh?” I realized no one would understand that phrase. “I was thinking about a major disaster and wondering ‘where do you start?’ It’s overwhelming. But ‘Where do you start?’ wherever you are.” You have to. You pick up the sledgehammer, the broom. You pickup the body bags, the fridges. You pickup the rubble that obstructs your path. You pick it up. You pick up your pen and write a check. Where do you start? Wherever you are.

ACCEPTED!!!

May God Bless me on my journey!!!

Next year

so its confirmed... at 325ish today... I am going to New York next year... it seems odd...

I usually have a sense of completion when I leave a place... but here I'm leaving and I feel its incomplete... but I have to leave.

I can't stay here any longer, I've given my all, I've run the race, and the race has moved to another place. but the laurels here seem to be unwon... and unwinnable by anyone... I just wish I knew what they were.

I'm leaving a part of my life... a not so bad part. But a part that just stopped.

I have to go.

START SPREADING THE NEWS!

(photo from: http://www.nyctourist.com/liberty1.htm)

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it - new york, new york
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it - in old new york
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - new york, new york

New york, new york
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find I'm a number one top of the list, king of the hill
A number one

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old new york
And if I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere

It up to you - new york new york

New york

Government Summons for Court

So I just got back from New Orleans Louisiana (NOLA, or N'awlins for short)...

And I go to work today and find a priority mail envelope for me from
U.S. Government Official Mail
365 Canal Street, Suite 1300
New Orleans, LA 70130

And I'm trying to figure out what I did or why the heck the Gov't is contacting me...

so i dont want to open it... (who would)... but I bite the bullet and open it... and its just what I expected...

well not really.

it was my PASSPORT!!! YAY!
Now I've got to get my VISAs!

You can never imagine the Horror

of driving in New Orleans.

of looking at devastated houses.

of looking at waterlines stained on sides of buildings, higher than your head.

of looking at cryptic codes spraypainted on doors from the first responders.

of knowing that NJ means the New Jersey National Guard searched this house

of knowing that an NE means No Entry, they had no reason to.

of knowing that a zero on the bottom means I could breath again.

of wincing at every house

of not wanting to look, but with a soul crying out, wanting to know the story of these people.

of driving down street after street

of knowing that SELA TF-1 means South East Louisiana Task Force 1 searched this house

of knowing that a lack of an NE means they actually did Enter.

of knowing that a one means one life could not be saved.

of hearing stories that began with "We had to let Mrs. Martha across the street die."

of seeing only sea shells where rows of houses once stood, no place to spray paint cryptic notes.

you can't imagine. Until you've experienced it.

Wonder

Ever get the feeling that something is critically wrong with you and you're a horrible person?

yeah?

Me neither.

Strive for holiness at all comfort.

Thoughts...

Is it a good thing or bad thing that I let my heart control me?
That I care?
That I wonder why?
I don't understand all the time what the deal is, and it confuses the heck out of my soul.

I'm trying more and more to let go of my worries. But working against so much family programming is hard. And working against the very hardwiring in your brain is harder.

My mind thinks to fast and too clearly, it thinks about the meanings of everything, it thinks about why people don't behave the way I expect, don't think the way I expect, aren't concerned with things that logic demands they should.

Why are people so willing to compromise, and why aren't they concerned with thinking if they are? Every person is liable to internal contradiction, thats a result of the fall, but our calling is to be perfect as He is perfect, so why don't people TRY? They have mouths but do not speak, have ears but do not listen.

How is internal contradiction okay? I KNOW it's COMFORTABLE. But Comfort does not make it okay, but should be a trigger for QUESTIONING Why? Is it of God? really? or is it from Satan? Or is it from my defiance of God's will?

And these things make me wonder and worry, and get frustrated with the disconnect between peoples actions and beliefs.

The greatest case for Atheism is Christians.

Why should an Atheist or ANYONE for that matter believe in CHRIST when His followers don't even care that they DON'T follow His teachings? Especially to Love Him above all things, even their own comfort from self-contradiction.

And I can't figure out if my desire to be okay with that is a disconnect itself, in me.

Am I really supposed to be okay with people who lie? Who lie by their actions and words not meeting?

I want to stop worrying, because I want to be sane, but if I stop worrying how much am I not caring anymore? And can I truly love someone if I don’t care?

The answer seems to be that you can not love someone if you don’t care. (Though others try to convince me otherwise). But perhaps there’s a complexity that I’m missing?

We aren’t called to care about people the way would care about a stranger’s dog, we’re called to care about them as if they are family. As if we really do care about their salvation, and not just their comfort.

So WHY THE HELL DO CHRISTIANS BEHAVE OTHERWISE? Why don’t they just stop LYING and tell the truth. They aren’t striving for holiness at all costs. They strive for holiness at all comfort.

At least in being honest you let God work in you. When you lie, you let Satan work.

Father Dennis' Blog

I discovered the other day that my Priest has a blog! He's a great guy!
http://fatherdennis.blogspot.com/

WE WON!

after 26hours and Thousands of Points, we WON by 10 points!

Kaleido Quiz

3pm, March 3rd to 6pm, March 4th

Once again, Kure 88.5 FM presents Kaleido Quiz. The KQ is 26 hours of trivia with scavenger hunts, fantastic prizes, and "Oh, Man...and more." The cost is $25 per team. Pick up your applica tion at KURE's office at 1199 Friley Hall and turn it in by February 27th or on March 3rd with a $5 late fee. Get your teams together now.

http://www.kure885.org/

Thought for the day

so use this as your search engine: http://prolifesearch.com/

It gives money to prolife organisations, and uses Google Search technology.

Also, observation for the day:
I need to control my passions...
Sometimes I feel so hurt or belittled that inside emotion rises and wants to address it as soon as possible, an overpowering (at times) feeling that I need to do something now.
But this lets me be controlled by what ever inspires it's movement, and I don't want to be controled by anything. Though I do want to give my control over to God.
Until I can control them, they control me, and I can not give them to God.

getting better I think

I think I'm getting better, my appetite is slowly returning, and the pain in my head from my sinuses is bearable... and I'm not delirious and thinking that I own a factory still... so on many counts I'm better... but now I'm really dizzy and borderline nauseous... dizzy and nauseous enough to skip another of my classes today... and rest a bit which helped.

I wonder if its the meds? I'm on Ery-tab, this time since between the last time I had an antibiotic and now I had an allgery test that said I was allergic to penicillium...

Well I hope to be much better in three to four days.

getting worse

I'm getting worse... vomitting now... yuck. And my body is weak... yay, I might have to go back to student death soon.

Pneumatitis

so I finally managed to get my self to the doc... I have a bacterial pneumatitis... the doc said it's not yet Pneumonia (thats good at least).

Yay Sickness, Yay work.

Still have that 5 page paper to write... gar

Done.

Victory!

Most Committed Reader I know.

So I have officially taken over the title of Most Committed Reader I know.

I have read at least 20 hours of pure reading this weekend. I say at least, because I'm being genererous to my readings speed and concentration ability.

Now considering that I'm a CA and Human, I've had to take breaks from reading for meetings, emergencies (angel saw part of one when she came to visit), eating and general emotional and psychological welfare.

So all in all to maintain my ability to read this weekend, I've used approximately 30 hours of my life. (I still have 2.65 hours left of the 20 hours to finish before I can claim victory and I'm currently taking a sanity/headache/rest room break).

THEN, I have to write a 5 page report over what I read... luckily its 5 pages... and luckily I've read 614 pages by the time I'm done, so content shouldn't be an issue, quality yes.

Oye.

Praise God.

:-)

So Fr. Stan Acutally emailed me after I posted on his Blog! yay! Next year I hope to work with the CFRs (though prbly not Fr. Stan's House) in NYC. When Tim and I go to Hunter.

Adeline!!!

Check out this song its amazing!!!

Adeline at http://www.mikeandamyfinders.com/
yes, "Adeline" is a link to a full mp3 availble off of their site, it's legit.
(http://www.mikeandamyfinders.com/audio/mp3/Adeline.mp3)

Orange County Crucifix

{edit} Well, I misposted this on this blog instead of my draft writting blog, but as I like it, I'm leaving it here for you to enjoy and I also reposted it here on sirhairdrafts. {end edit}

230

We didn’t have a retreat today. Instead we got to do spring cleaning on the church… a cavernous affair with stained glass streaming light upon the color treated cement floor. We divided into groups, cleaning pews, windows, confessionals, floors and various accoutrements. I decided to work the ladders cleaning the windows, as everyone else was scared of climbing them. I hate ladders. They wobble and I’m sure I’ll die falling off one; I’ve always had dreams of that. Javy and I would move the ladder around he’d clean the bottom of the windows, I’d clean the top, 2 to three stories higher than the slick cement below. The walls braced the ladder well, and I wasn’t too scared after the first few.

We were done, and I looked at the Crucifix hanging mid air above the altar, it was dusty, and I asked the overseer if we could clean it. She agreed, and we moved the tall ladder precariously through the aisle, a few times almost toppling over.

The corpus was a beautiful bronze casting, 2 times the size of a normal body, perhaps more, majestic, silent, beautiful. I almost cried as I cleaned it. I took care of the hands, as a medic would, I daubed the feet, with soft cotton, embracing them in my hands, and kissing the memorial wounds. I cleaned down one side and then up the other. I cleaned His chest, wondering what it would have felt like in real life, strong, proud, to the very end or clammy and suffocating, fragile as a real human. I cleaned his crown, getting pricked and stabbed by the intermeshed five inch thorns sharpened to conical points. My thin hands couldn’t even fit through to clean his hair, the thorns so dense, so painful.

I wish I would have been alone. I wish I could have poured torrents from my eyes. Been overcome by the sorrow and joy. I wish the bronze of my memory was in front of me now.

247am

Its at St. Vincent de Paul, Huntington Beach, CA http://www.svdphb.org/svdphb/

This week

I have about 60hrs of work besides my classes to get done by friday... in addition to that I did today... crazy. So don't expect much out of me this week.

Today I went to a band playing on campus (I thought it was supposed to be a poetry reading that was going to suffice for a class assignment, and decided to stay as I thought the band still would suffice)... and I bumped into my Creative Writting teacher... who introduced me to her Husband Joe, and told him I was a "good writter"... which I denied (because I think I'm mediocre.)

And off to go read 70 pages before writting a few brief papers on unrelated topics.

Fr. Stan Changed his Blog...

http://digitalaudiodeli.com/ is the new blog location http://digitalaudiodeli.blogspot.com/ no longer exists. Just an FYI...

Decisions....

So University of Rhode Island contacted me and said they were "very impressed with both your interview and your application" and were really excited about the possibility of hiring me... I'd be in an upper classman dorm, with three returners, and three newbs on staff with me... (this after I missed the interview time (I thought it was 6 my time, it was 6 their's so I was 15 minutes late, since I have class until 5... I checked my voice mail and found a very tentative message from my interviewers asking where I was... and if I could setup another time... so I called them, and they asked when would be a good time... I actually had expected the call a week later... so I said how about now? I'm game... they asked if I was ready... and I responded No but I'll work with it.)

And University of Northern Colorado, called and were also very impressed with me, and extended me an offer as well...

And Towson hasn't responded yet... (but that was my worst interview, I was really off my game) but they'll call next week, as scheduled.

So I have two (possibly three) offers from institutions (which I expected with my work experience, I'm a fantastic candidate).

And I'll probably turn them all down...

Which is a shame as they'd all be amazing opportunities.

I'm going to New York, if I can get in (CUNY - Hunter). Because that's where Tim wants to go...
It'll be awesome! We'll get to do ministry with the urban dwellers and meet greatly holy men and women. Tested daily and put through the fire, but we'll be burned clean!

It'll be an amazing opportunity to grow and become the holy one I desire so much to be!

New York.

Who'd've guessed.

New York.

And I'm still applying to Stuebie, Loras and Ave Maria...

Crazy
Crazy
Crazy!

But I really feel my heart being drawn to NYC... pulled, much like at times past in my life, like the drawing to Ireland, and Des Moines... God's calling, but I'm not sure where to... Ireland was a proxy for His real plan, NET... is NYC a proxy for a new path?

I wonder.

Sometimes I realise that I can't decide because I fail at my prayer life... I don't take the time I owe Him... and that's why I only feel the vague movings of the Spirit, not the solid determination that I get after prayer... like when I found NET, my heart was solid, and this past summer, despite warnings away of the pain that would follow me, I knew this is where my lord called... so I followed, knowing I would be stepping into a battle... but with Him near, I was assured I'd survive.

Speak lord, your servant is listening.

what i ate

So Tuesday night, I decided to make Tim eat a feast with me, in protest and in forgetting what day it was. So I wrangled a car out of his roommate and started planning it... the final product was the following (originally we had more planned):

Water Crackers with Apricot Stilton
Bruschetta with Tomatoes and Mushrooms
Pasta with Olives, Mushrooms, Onions, Sundried Tomatoes, Oregano, Cracked Red Pepper and Garlic.
Steamed orange butter asparagus with Clementies.
Chicken Cordon-Bleu (with Gruyere and Prosciutto in a bread/cracker/oregano covering)
Fresh Fruit With Honey-Yogurt ( http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/5457 )

It was delicsh... and two of his roommates joined us... it felt nice to be able to cook and have the company of friends... I havent had the opportunity since I was in Austin to really do it, so I was excited :-)

I also made Tim promise that if we end up living together in NYC (Manhattan) then we'll have a Feast every other week :-D

NYC is looking really really awesome... I might be able to convince two more friends to join us! Possibly three!!!!! which means CHEAP RENT!!!!

YAY!

Dinner...

oye! I'm tired...

I just got home after leaving for class today...

I'll fill you in later but Tim and I made dinner and had a good time... that's the gist... I gots ta crash.

Ah Heretics....

so how often do we come across people who say they are catholic but worship idols?

Psalm 115:4-6

Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths but do not speak, eyes but do not see. They have ears but do not hear, noses but do not smell.

People try to divide our faith into compartments... failing remember that we are one whole, whose source and summit is the Eucharist. From this is our life. From this is our life. From this is our life.

From this IS OUR LIFE!

We worship Him first, and from Him do we have the strength to do works of mercy, from Him do our works have meaning. Jesus is a living person who demands love, not a great nice guy who says we should go serve everyone else so that the world is better. He is God... who says love me, and serve my brothers.

He is not a dead guy. He is love incarnate. Incarnate.

In the Eucharist.

PRAISE GOD!

From the Renew America Newsletter

---

State lawmakers defy Roe v. Wade
South Dakota House passes bill criminalizing nearly all abortions

February 11, 2006
WorldNetDaily

With a reversal of Roe v. Wade as its ultimate aim, South Dakota's House of Representatives passed a bill today that would criminalize all abortions except for when a mother is in danger of dying. The penalty for performing illegal abortions would be a maximum of five years in prison.

Supporters say the Woman's Health and Life Protection Act, which passed 47-22, is the result of new research compiled by a legislative task force showing life begins at conception and abortion is harmful to women . . . [Click for more]

See also: Indiana proposal: Life starts at conception (Associated Press)

Dogmatism

(Fr. Dave Farnum, CSP)

Catholics tend to be blamed as dogmatic.

• Sticking to the rules as if only the letter of the law matters.
• Lacking compassion in cases that differ substantially.
• Refusing to bend until the rule has changed.
• Unwilling to change "bad" rules.

But I've seen more of this from people who do not pronounce their faith loudly than from those who do...

From people who do not believe in truth, but in place of it, have instituted the words of man.

People, who afraid to simplify the world into a truth which is a constant tension of sin and mercy, obedience and compassion, faith and reason, etc. have reduced what they can to dogmatic principles, hoping to mete out some meaning, some clarity in a world otherwise devoid of all purpose and reason.

They hold to things that don't matter and run from things that do.

You can't play games in the hall of a dorm, but you can get drunk and have sex in your room.

How are we to love and live? That doesn't matter, just don't buy a water gun, because it's labeled "gun"... a nerf funky blaster? oh sure... it's not called a gun on the package. (A rule as a resident assistant I have to espouse repeatedly).

Am I the only one astounded?

I said it earlier, but this is insane! This is a search for something they don't have! Truth, order, Goodness and rightness. Compassion does not come from creating rules from which people are treated "equally" (equally in the sense of being held accountable to the same exact wording), there is no compassion there, but dogmatism. Compassion comes from seeing a person as God does... as part of His bride (the Church). Compassion comes from knowing the perfect standard, and holding people accountable not because it is a standard, but because it makes them better, holier, more perfect, more beautiful... compassion comes from seeing the standard, and seeing the sinner... and judging (OooOOOOOooo that word the world hates) what is best for the person, mercy, compassion, guidance, punishment, tough love, soft love... or perhaps shockingly, a combination of them. A person is not an equation with one solution... they have a multitude of needs and each need must be addressed as best as we can. Each sin stems from more than one source and each source must be treated if they are to be whole again.

Every human person is valuable and worthy of compassion.

No human person respects dogmatism in the modern sense... but every person hopes for the dogmatism I've just described... for being treated as a unique creation who deserves unique treatment, who is a complex entity with conflicting desires and ideas that conflict because they imperfectly seek the Good. Your desire is not wholly bad, there is TRUTH in it! It is a desire that yearns to be redeemed and placed on a path to wholeness, where all desires unite.

But simple mechanical rules devoid of humanity can not unite and guide a human, they can only act as stumbling blocks, they can only divide and frustrate…

Humanity deserves better. You deserve better.

How are we going to convert the world?

Luke 2:34-35

and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted... so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed."

You're heart is complex. You're heart is NOT simple. You're desires have Truth in them. You have Truth in you. The world wants to tell you that you're an input to an equation, Jesus wants to tell you that He knows you're more... SOO Very much more.

You are His Father's child, royalty in the Heavens.
You're existence is unique, precious and astounding!
God is amazed at you!
AT YOU!

Habakkuk 1:3-5

Why do you let me see ruin; why must I look at misery? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and clamorous discord. This is why the law is benumbed, and judgment is never rendered: Because the wicked circumvent the just; this is why judgment comes forth perverted. ² Look over the nations and see, and be utterly amazed! For a work is being done in your days that you would not have believed, were it told.

You are that work, and your indignation at being simplified will show you the way.

My wallpaper-Gospel Canticle: Luke 2:29-32

This is my wallpaper on my computer right now... I made it using one of my drawings... it's Jesus' hand nailed to the cross... (it's on its side). Thought some of you might like to use it!

reading

So when I was in highschool I never had to read... well I was supposed to, but really when you think about it most stories are predictable, and reading the last few pages and first few, and maybe two or three in the middle is sufficient to get most of the general plot down...

but now!

I have over 1100 pages to read in the next week and a half!

Crazy... and I'll probably do it all...

But then I have like four essays/papers to write!

And a presentation to prepare for!

In highschool I'd be overwhelmed... and think it worthless to attempt... but for some reason I feel a peace about this workload... I mean I GET to read some really cool things... things that I love to learn about! so is it really all that bad?

*eh* If I focus enough I'll be fine!

mebe.

Clearly see

there are things that I can clearly see with a clarity others admire, yet when I look at myself, I'm blind.

My heart carries more weight than my courage.

My heart carries more worry than my mind.

Yet for others, I'm clear. I can recognise their courage and strengthen it, I can recognise their worry and calm it... maybe its a cruel trick that my eyes are nearsighted and my soul is far.

Old blog/journal

so this was the last line in my old opendiary journal...

"anyhow... this was supposed to be really short, but it's not... and now I'm going to end... btw... I posted a quick "blog" at sirhair.blogspot.com ... probablly won't ever update it, but whatever... need shower..."
http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D108622

LoL... and now I never use opendiary... that was a year and a half ago!

This was my first blogspot post:
http://sirhair.blogspot.com/2004/09/why-i-re-joined-bloggers.html

I'll probably migrate the entries from opendiary over to blogspot sometime in the near future... but right now I'm procrastinating on studying for a test and writting an essay for tomorrow. So I should get off...

Give

How much can you give before you lose yourself?

Love
the mundane expression of love is something that excites and confuses me...
its a game that goes back and forth, forth and back,
Promises of eternal devotion, promises to try
what happens when you give and no one returns it?
when love consumes you,
and the dawn becomes part of your soul,
the quiet veil lifting slowly
pulling away all mystery that protects
enriches, maintains your soul.
Naked.
Is it worth it?
the risk of being left naked alone?

Work
I work. the demands of my Lord
makes it hard for me to not.
makes it hard for me to not give my all.
what kind of a man works,
but steals?
how could I get a check for less than my best?
when does the work become master?
when can you relax?

Words
I love my words,
the hidden ones that only three know about
they speak about my soul
they touch my memory
sense, taste, emotion
my words are me
external but essential
if I tell you where they're at
will you rip this part of me away?
how intimate can you be
with friends and strangers?
before you die of heartache?

Orthodoxy

Recently I've been called a conservative by people who would label themselves as Liberal... and I take great offense to this!

Conservatism and Liberalism are both perversions of Truth. They take Truth and reduce it to a simple formula that satisfies their own lives, eliminating the eternal challenge of Christ in favour of a simple rubric.

The basic (though simplistic) way of perceiving this is that liberals embrace the new because its new, and reject the old because its old, and conservatives embrace the old because its old, and reject the new because its new. This is not the only way, especially if we believe in Truth.

There is such a thing as being Catholic, which I think can be glimpsed by 1 Thessalonians 5:20-21

20 Do not despise prophetic utterances.

21 Test everything; retain what is good.

This seems a good guide to discern what it means to have a Tradition, we should not despise the new, but we should test it. We should not dispose of the old universally, we should retain the good. Though I usually call this Orthodoxy, Fr. Dennis made a point (though perhaps unintentionally) that we should all be "Catholic" without any prefix. That we should embrace the Church whole heartedly and seek to remain with it's living wisdom at all times.

Seeking to Love God first, and through Him, love His creations, the new and old.

"High Church or Low Church, liberal or conservative, it is too easy for us to drift and to find ourselves based more on the commandments, traditions and conventional wisdom of men rather than the true wisdom and revelation of God." ~~Penitens

Bike Against World Hunger (aka. Peddaling Paupers)

Here's the beginnings of our website... it's gonna be AWESOME!! Kim is doing an amazing job...

We're still working out a lot of stuff... and I've not yet contacted some people that I need to... but plans and ideas are flowing.

Fr. Stan's new website!

He's got a podcast! (free music, etc.) online check it out!!!
http://digitalaudiodeli.blogspot.com/
Oh and I went to see him today in Iowa City... it was very beautiful... he's a great evangelizer of our culture... an honest and humble servant of our Lord and Lady!

Home

Yup I'm back... My hall is trashed (the restrooms are worse) and I had a great weekend at Loras...

I almost want to go back already... good thing my classes are interesting... else I'd never've returned.

My guys aren't all that bad... just naive children... at least naive in caring for community property and their own bodies... (they get drunk alot... alot).

*eh* I have tonnes of reading to get done that Needs to be done asap... so I'm outtie YO.

The Song from the grove...

This was the song I was listening to as I was in the grove... I dont think I've ever heard it (except a clip) until that moment... I put it on my mp3 player randomly, the only song I didn't know in a group of songs I've known.

No One Else Knows
by Building 429

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

From: http://www.building429.com/media_leadsheets.cfm

The grove.

My feet carry me
to this hidden grove
My heart is in tears as my face smiles, I need to let it out, but I have no time.
I have to run a meeting in less than 30 minutes. I have to be okay this is too personal to talk about. A friend earlier asked me to talk, but I had to prepare, this is my burden. I'm the "leader" of the campus Thomists and we just got formed, its a baby and needs me to feed it. I feed it not from my excess but from my own means. I feed it knowing that
I sacrifice myself.

I stand in the grove listening to praise and worship songs on my mp3 player
The lights from the not so distant buildings and parking lot flood into my sanctuary.
My soul's cathedral.

I'm okay. A song begins to play as my feet start leaving, and I freeze.
I don't like the music so much
But the words pound me,
breaking fast past my sentries heading straight for my heart.
I'm standing.
My ice cream slides out of my hand as I collapse to my heels.
The tears are here.
And I can no longer fight.

He was my dog.
My fat boy, puppy, puppy boy
My footrest, rug and vigilant doorstop.
I loved him.
I grew up with him.
So did my whole family.
He was our brother and our mooch.
And I can't be there.
I can't be there, where families gather to mourn.
I can't.
I'm here.
7pm.

New Blog

I decided to clean up my main blog and my writings blog (I changed it from my theology/philosophy blog to my writings) so I created a new blog that will have drafts and various meanderings of my writtings.

sirhairdrafts.blogspot.com

Its in the process of being developed, so it's a bit ugly... but will look much better soon. Promise.

Edward

He's gone.

My mom just called.

I have absolutely no one to grieve with.

I just discovered another side effect of having a relationship that you expect to go onwards to marriage...

When you expect to give your heart to someone that you love, you guard yourself from relationships that that person might be threatened by, and relationships that your character might be threatened by... e.g., you stop, slow down, or end any relationship you might have with the opposite sex.

Which is great! Because the reward is great as well, and the dignity of the relationship and the other person demands it.

But when its over, you have to start over... finding friends you can call family.

I don't have any.

And my dog's about to die.

And I can't cry with anyone.

I have no one to hold me.

No one to let me cry in their lap...

no one.

I'm evacuated of all family.

An alien in a hospitable, but foriegn land.

Penitens is a smart man...

From Penitens' blog... http://penitens.blogspot.com/
"It is I who have sinned;
it is I, the shepherd, who have done wrong.
But these are sheep; what have they done?
Punish me...

This is not an easy thing to do. Too often we are tempted to shift responsibility or even shift the consequences of our failures onto others. Even David did this: choosing a punishment that impacted the people (pestilence) rather than one that would have threatened him personally (three months of flight from his enemies).

As children and servants of God,
it is important for us
to accept the limits of our control
and to take responsibility,
placing ourselves always in the hands of God:
whose power and mercy are infinite."

Dream Without Limits...Dance Without Cares

Dream Without Limits...Dance Without Cares

I'm EGG-SITED!

This weekend will be a great break from ISU, and it will give me a chance to check out the school I might be going to next year. And have fun with friends and have no obligations at ALL!

And it's ANGEL's 21st!!!!! YAY!!!

I'm EGG-SITED!
(Oh yeah, I'm heading up to Loras this weekend)

What do I want to do?

What do I want to do for the rest of my life, every day... from dawn to dusk... do I really want to be an architect, a theologian, a philosopher????

Graphic design sounds like a lot of fun... but is it too temporary a product for me? today I'm in tomorrow I'm lost?

Freelance writer sounds interesting... I could write about a variety of things from God to my socks... and it'd be fun... but can I sustain the creativity?

I'm a great speaker... at times at least...

I love God...

What can a guy like me do for the rest of their life...

Everyone else seems settled on the thought of being stuck in the same dead end job for the rest of their lives... why cant I just be different... be a modern generalist who impacts and lives in thousands of different worlds?

the dead end job thing has been done before, and no one became rich, and no one felt terribly rewarded... I don't want to live like a drone... mindless... emotionless... I want to LIVE... something few have ever dared to do in the history of mankind... I want to tell the system to back off, stop trying to destroy my heart, stop trying to tame the life within me... stop trying to change me into your pawn for your safe consumption...

I want to live in a way few have dared. I want to BREATHE!